The Joy in Losing

Quote of the day: “Confidence, like art, never comes from having all the answers; it comes from being open to all the questions.” – Earl Gray Stevens

I have to be honest. I’m a bit disappointed. I didn’t receive a call-back from the first round of interviews. I didn’t make the cut. No possible new job, new chapter, new adventure, new life.

When I received the invitation to the first round of interviews, I wasn’t quite sure if I even wanted the position. And, after the interview itself, I still wasn’t sure I wanted the job. It had a lot to offer: higher pay, more human contact, less time spent sitting at your desk. All of these factors intrigued me. I even created a whole story in my head of where Biboti and I could travel with the extra money. It’s funny how quickly our brains can fantasize.

All the while, I knew it was just a fantasy and that reality would hit sooner rather than later. It was fun to dream. Even though I’ve moved on from the fantasy part, I’m a bit stuck in the rejection piece. I can’t help but to ask myself, “Why didn’t they want me? What was wrong with me?”

I realized the feeling of not being chosen compared to the feeling of losing a game. It’s all about competition. I once loved competition. Most importantly, I once loved winning. I was extremely competitive in every sport I played, and when I was younger, that competitive edge played a larger role in other areas of my life, some of which became very self-destructive.

I didn’t win here. I lost. And it stinks to lose. But I can’t help to wonder if it’s possible to actually win when you lose?

We hear all the time and I find myself saying, “Well, I guess it wasn’t mean to be.” But what does that actually mean? Is it a way to console the loss? Is it a way to justify you weren’t good enough? Or, is it being able to trust the unknown?

We can’t always see in the present how we can win from a loss. There’s just a void; an empty pit. Maybe what eventually fills that void is the answer we’ve been waiting to receive?

One can only hope.

I definitely don’t have all the answers, but I surely do have a lot of questions. According to Early Gray Stevens’ quote of day that’s being confident. For me, it’s not so much about confidence than it is the alternative. To limit the possibilities of this loss to me not being good enough doesn’t have any value or serve any purpose except for making me feel bad about myself, and what good can come from that? Sure, I can reflect on my interviewing style and find areas of improvement that can serve as a learning tool. But to be honest, I really felt good about how I represented myself as a professional and as a person. If that wasn’t good enough, then I can either believe I wasn’t good enough, or it wasn’t meant to be.

I choose to believe it wasn’t meant to be.