The Anatomy of Anxiety

Quote of the day: "You are what your deep, driving desire is. As you desire is, so is your will. As your will is, so is your deed. As your deed is, so is your destiny."- Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

I have been feeling some anxiety this morning because in just one more day I am heading back to work. I’ve had the past week and a half off and it has been fabulous. The anxiety is coming because my brain is starting to obsess on the many tasks I need to complete before that dreaded day of Monday.

This is a repetitive behavior of mine and it leads to procrastination because I become so riddled with the anxiety that I become paralyzed. Completing even the smallest task, such as doing the laundry, or updating our dance web site, overwhelms me.

Anxiety is like a leech. You know, that nasty, blood-sucking creature that lives in murky waters. It’s a slick, devious and sucks the life right out of me. It instantly robs my joy. I feel its heavy burdens lying firmly upon my chest. My throat begins to close, not fully, but enough to feel a difference. The muscles in my neck contract themselves into little knots. The muscles supporting my hips actually begin to tighten too. When I pay attention to my body and tell it to relax, muscles that I had no idea were even tightened begin to release…all effects of this devilish anxiety.

This year is all about taking it back—me back—and bringing me back to my life, above and beyond. So, I’ve been stewing on this conflict. I ask my Self, “Where are YOU in all of this anxiety?” The picture suddenly comes clear. There I am. Hiding in the corner, shivering, shaking, drenched with fear. As soon as the smallest requirements of life call upon me, I retreat. “Why do you do this?” I ask my Self. Within an instant, I hear the words, “I am afraid!” echo throughout my body. “But what are you so afraid of? Laundry?” I say mockingly to my Self. But it really isn’t funny, and it isn’t laundry that I am afraid of, or the responsibilities of life. It’s that I haven’t been able to bridge being my Self, the joyous person who I feel I am inside, out into the everyday activities of life. I’ve pushed her aside; thrown her in the corner; told her there isn’t a place for her in all of this, and I’ve allowed my Self to believe that is true.

I’m not looking to “find” a “solution.” What I’m looking to do is bridge that gap through my awareness of there being a separation. It is precisely through this awareness that we can begin to mend and heal, and hopefully, become the whole person so many of us desire to be.

Today I choose differently. I choose joy…irrational joy. It seems irrational to me to be joyous while doing laundry, paying bills, etc., because I never have been. These tasks have always brought me nothing but misery and stress, and I always hate the person I am doing them. If these tasks are a requirement of life, why not just change the person I am when doing these tasks? Really, why not just be me, the real me, the joyous me? Plus, I have an experiment to complete...to live life joyously, in alignment with my Self at all times, regardless of circumstance.

“So what do I do about all that anxiety?” I ask. Suddenly, I’m not so worried about it. Something tells me that the anxiety will fade as my conditioned responses to situations fade. In this moment, I see the anxiety for what it is—a helpless knee-jerk reaction to beliefs we’ve held to be true.