Body Talk

Quote of the day: "Stress is not what happens to us. It's our response TO what happens. And RESPONSE is something we can choose." -- Maureen Killoran, author

I purposely chose today’s quote because I believe it needs further explanation in order to be true, and most importantly, practical. Plus, stress is what’s up for me today…it’s my arch nemesis…my Newman, if you will (Seinfield reference).

Let me use my morning stressor as an example to help explain what I’m getting at.

Over the past two weeks we’ve spent more than $500 on fixing our two computers. This is a lot of money in our world. The laptop was working for about two days and then it wouldn’t connect to the Internet, which was one of the issues that needed to be fixed. After spending roughly 20 minutes on the phone with the computer repair people, trying to troubleshoot the problem they had supposedly fixed, they said to bring it back in for them to take another look, free of charge (which wasn’t a given—I had to fight a bit for this).

So, we bring it in and they fix the problem on site. Fine. Great. All is well, right? Wrong. We get it back home and suddenly the same night we’re unable to watch video clips online. Why? Who knows? My husband brings the computer back to the place again this morning and they say, “Now we have to charge you more to fix it.”

More! What? It’s still not working from the first go-around!

I was furious. Stressed? Yes, you can say that. So I called and spoke with the repair guy who I spoke with before and after about 10 minutes of explaining why they are obligated to fix the computer again, free of charge, noting that it’s NOT free since we already paid them $500, he put me on hold to speak with his “supervisor” who then fixed the computer, free of charge.

Now I’m all for not sweating the small stuff. Believe me, I get it, but here’s what I realized today. Our bodies, regardless of how we’re going to “choose” to “respond” to a situation, will naturally react to a situation, and that reaction will not be in our immediate control. Our bodies will choose the response, just like that whole fight or flight thing.

So, yes, we may be able to choose our response to something, but that “conscious” choice does not always happen in the same moment when the body reacts. We must recognize the natural reaction of the body to be able to fully understand our stress and how to manage it.

My point to this annoying computer repair story is that my body was overwhelmingly consumed with the stress even after I was able to choose my response in moving forward. It wasn’t until after I was able to do some stretching on my lunch break, and some crying (to be honest), was I able to fully release it from my body. The crying was simply a release of energy, not an overly dramatic response.

Stress affects the well being of all humans. Our bodies are our vehicles in this world. We can increase the health and vitality of our bodies by being conscious of thought patterns and beliefs we hold to be true, but we mustn’t stop there. We must continue to do whatever we need to do to cleanse ourselves of the natural responses we’ll have to life situations.

In this moment of today I feel a sense of ease in managing my stress because it no longer feels like something I am totally doing to myself. And with that understanding, I am free.

Hustle and Flow

Quote of the day: “Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.” —Kahlil Gibran; Artist, Poet, And Writer

My mind looks at what has happened in my short-lived life (per the quote of the day) as an adventure. That’s the meaning I give it—nothing more, nothing less than an adventure.

I yearn for adventure. I crave it like my morning coffee. It wakes me up—not the wake-up that happens on Monday through Friday when I have to get up for work. Honestly, I am not really awake. The “I” that I speak of is the real me, inside, not the day-to-day Jill who runs on auto pilot. It’s normally not until I take a moment to blog that I begin to awaken the real me. I’m pretty much asleep until then. Isn’t that sad?

I can’t help but to wonder how many of us spend the majority of our days on auto pilot?

In effort to wake up, it’s not so much about changing my attitude. Most days my attitude is pretty good, positive and hopeful. It’s more about taking the time to reflect and connect, which is exactly what wakes me up.

What I find so fulfilling about having adventures, which I define in the most simple of ways as going with the natural flow for that day, is that I wake up both on the outside and inside. It’s a win-win! If only the day-to-day drudgery felt more like an adventure, like a natural flow, then all would be well.

Is it possible to approach each day as an adventure? I mean, each day of an 8-5 desk job? I’ve tried to, honestly, play that mental game, but I never could pull it off. For some reason the act of clipping newspaper articles doesn’t seem as fun and exciting as cross country skiing through Highland Forest.

In all seriousness, I understand how much our attitude towards life creates our experience. I get it mentally, I just haven’t been able to feel it physically, emotionally and spiritually when it comes to bringing an adventurous attitude into the office, mainly because it’s not my natural flow.

But, maybe the trick in doing so lies in approaching the day, not the tasks, as an adventure. That becomes a challenge too because my days are already planned out and fixed in regards to time and place, so that’s not really much room for “something” new to happen.

So, then maybe it’s about keeping my mind open to letting an adventure take place and being able to recognize it. The adventure then shifts to more of a mental flow than physical flow. It could be something as simple as having a side conversation with a colleague that turns out to be quite fulfilling, or receiving a phone call or email that tugs at my spirit.

I realize I may be pushing it here, but I’m trying my best. Like a river that ebbs and flows, I’m stuck in an eddy and am trying to do what I can—something, anything—to get going.

To get flowing…

Miracle on Mundane Street

Quote of the day: “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” —Albert Einstein; theoretical physicist, philosopher

Can you imagine living your life in the mindset that everything is a miracle? According to Albert Einstein, this is one of two ways we can live our lives—either believing that nothing is or that everything is.

If I break the philosophy down to my present moment of today, and reframe the context of “miracles” from something huge and heavenly, to something small and appreciated, then the hot cup of tea I am drinking right now is a miracle…and let me tell you, it surely feels like it is. It’s freezing in my office, so feeling warmth in my hands and in my belly constitutes as a miracle.

But what I think he’s getting at in terms of everyday living is that we can either give appreciation for all the little things that we have or experience, or we can disregard them as if they should be there or happen. In truth, there are no shoulds. What is, is. We have the ability to shift our mindsets from a place of lacking (non-miracles) to a place of having (miracles).

When I bring my awareness back from thoughts of the future to the present moment, it becomes much easier to see all the miracles surrounding me. From having this moment to write my thoughts, to waking up to the man I love, to having the opportunity to be kind to others, to being able to eat a banana and cottage cheese for breakfast, to wearing clothes that not only clothe me but make me feel good, to having a car that can get me to work, to earning money…and the list of miracles goes on and on.

If good ‘ole Mr. Einstein is right, and we have only two ways to live our life, then I choose to live it with miracles. However, I can honestly say that I am only able to do this when I have present-moment awareness. If I start to get lost in future thinking, then I fall victim to thoughts of lacking. My desire for a better future and a different present quickly creates distaste for the here and now because it’s not what I hope it to be.

Yet, it is in the present that we create the future. Finding joy, love and passion today eventually becomes tomorrow, which then becomes our future—our story, our lives.

What are your miracles today?

All Roads Lead Back to Kindergarten

Quote of the day: “Love life and life will love you back. Love people and they will love you back.” —Arthur Rubinstein; pianist

It feels good to love people, doesn’t it? I know it’s not always easy to get out of our own way, sometimes, and to be in a place to share our love for others, but when we do, it surely is fabulous.

Yesterday I had the privilege of spending a few minutes with my colleague, Carol, after a meeting we had with Congressman Maffei’s staff regarding a potential grant opportunity. I felt the meeting proved to be a waste of time, although Carol was more optimistic. I have a difficult time meeting with politicians to talk about grant monies they have access to, only to then end up listening to their ideas about where to potentially access other grants, most of which any person in the arts/non-profit/grant world is already familiar with and has tried that path.

Anyways, as we drove away from the Federal Building, Carol and I engaged in a spirited conversation about our personal and professional lives. She is a soul sister whose parol runs deep. She feels like she’s walked this earth many times before, and often reminds me of Maya Angelou. She has that certain je ne sais quoi about her.

As we shared honest reflections of our Selves and our ability to believe in the unseen when it comes to other areas of our lives, we couldn’t help but to wonder why there seems to be doubt when it comes to believing in our Selves. What is it about the human species that can give so much love, hope and faith externally, yet struggle to do so internally?

If we only gave a quarter of the amount of energy we spend on other people’s dreams to nurturing our own, then maybe we would be able to bring to life what we so desire. Each day, we support the dream of others when we go to work for “someone’s” business, shop at “someone’s” stores, pick up a coffee at “someone’s” cafe, go to the movies, read a book, etc. You get my point. Don’t get me wrong, all of which is fabulous because it creates an economy and it feels wonderful to support others. I do it all the time.

Though the point is, we all have our own niche; our own God-given talents. We may be able to express these talents through working for someone else, or we may have to create our own work to then be able to express our talents. Regardless of how we do it, the point is, we find a way to express what’s unique to us.

Although Carol and I are at different stages in our lives, with different responsibilities, we find each other’s spirits at similar crossroads. I don’t know how our futures will unfold, but I do know that it feels so good, so healthy, so comforting and so peaceful to be able to share in each other’s love for life. In that moment, I am fulfilled.

The Sound of Silence

Quote of the day: "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." - John Lennon

It’s the start of a new work week. Isn’t it amazing how fast the weekend goes? I always find myself stumbling through Saturday, trying to de-stress from the week. When Sunday arrives, I normally find my rhythm, only for it to then be cut short come Monday a.m. … Oh, the cycle of the Monday-through-Friday work week.

As I approach the week, my plan is to not have a plan. Yes, I need to pay attention to my responsibilities, but I’m bringing myself back to present-moment awareness. I don’t know what’s going to happen for me work wise. I don’t know what I am going to do. I do know that I want things to be different, but that’s all I have right now and I’m sticking with that.

Over the weekend I recognized the amount of mental stress I was putting on myself and I felt so close to collapsing by Friday evening. I just couldn’t keep track of anything anymore. My mind was completely exhausted … from trying to keep my day tasks straight, to completing my evening responsibilities, to trying to figure out what I am going to do with my life, to reading about economy issues, to worrying about the devastation in Haiti … it all just became too much. I was even so distraught that I forgot a friend of mine was coming in town and I was supposed to meet up with her for drinks! (Sorry Al. I really suck sometimes).

I had hit a wall and the wall had hit me back, smack dab in the face. Even my forehead was sore, really. I needed to unplug for moment and that is exactly what I did.

I spent some time alone, sitting in silence, calming my thoughts. It’s amazing how much better I begin to feel when I spend time in silence. This may seem like an odd thing to do, and somewhat indulgent given the pace of most of our lives, but it’s incredibly helpful for me. Throughout the day, our minds become so saturated with the thoughts, wants, needs, worries and fears of others that we often begin to adopt these beliefs as our own without being aware that we’re doing it. Suddenly, our voice isn’t our voice at all. It’s actually someone else’s voice speaking through us.

I used to think it was easy for people to know what they wanted in life and out of life. But I’m realizing more and more that this isn’t as easy as it seems. We may think we know what we want, but do we really, and are we doing it?

I look at the different areas in my life that require a significant portion of my time and energy, and I ask myself, “Who are you doing these things for? Do you want to be doing them? If no, then why are you doing them?”

We often criticize people and call them “selfish” if they are committed to doing things that bring them joy. I’ve never really understood that because how can we be of any good or of service to others if we aren’t well within? Isn’t it precisely because of our selfish time that we are able to give selflessly? Why is being “selfish” a bad thing?

Because I have a history of taking this time to nurture my Self, such as this weekend, it would look like I have the ability to take care of myself. But, the irony is that I can barely take care of myself … in society’s terms. I nearly had a mental collapse just after a work week! And, my house is a disaster. I can barely put my clothes away, let alone wash them.

Now, put me on a trail to hike a mountain in the rain, or on an island where I know nobody and I don’t have any money, or on a Greyhound bus to nowhere, I’ll be fine. I’ll survive. Heck, I’ll even thrive!

But put me in a regular routine with stability, security and normalcy—I’m in trouble. I can barely survive, let alone thrive. I become lost.

So, this week, I’m not worrying about making plans for my life. I’m just going to do what I need to do in the moment and maybe then life will happen for the better.

Let Freedom Ring

Quote of the day: “The time is always right to do the right thing.” – Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

This evening my husband and I attended an event that was honoring Donna, a colleague of ours, as an “Unsung Hero.” She is so deserving of this honor, which acknowledges people in the community who have been doing incredible work, but aren’t recognized for it. The event and award are in honor of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

It was an emotionally moving event, although it doesn’t take much to turn on my well of emotions these days. Honestly, since I’ve been writing regularly and tapping into my spirit, I find myself even more sensitive than I normally am. The floodgates are opening…watch out!

I was overwhelmed with joy for Donna to have her moment in the spotlight. No matter who you are in this world and how humble you may be, it always feels so good, deep down to the core of your being, to be loved back for all the loving you do for others. Even though the greatest gift is in the giving, there is tremendous comfort in the receiving. Tonight was Donna’s night to receive and I felt incredible for her.

What also moved me deeply was a performance by the university’s black choral ensemble. Their first piece was nice, but their second piece—it was thrilling. It started off like most acapella songs—smooth, controlled and in harmony. And then, little by little, the choral broke out into distinct vocal sections and the conductor began to take the song in a new direction. He started with the bass-line group that continued to repeat the bottom layer of the song, and then one group would jump in at a different place, and then another group, and then another, and then he would slowly swing his arms up to the side, like a bird that’s about to take off in flight, only to circle their voices back down again, to the single bass line. He repeated this pattern for four full cycles and then just when you think you had enough, the conductor lifted the voices of the choir through the bodies of the 300+ people in the audience and we all took flight and soared for what felt to be eternity. And as our spirits landed perfectly on the ground, the conductor let the wind out of our sails with the softest of exhales. It was beautiful.

Shown intermittently throughout the event were video clips and sound bites of Dr. King. This is where I heard the quote of the day, “The time is always right to do the right thing.” When I heard him saying it through the echoing speakers at the Dome, time stood still. It was as if the proverb had swallowed me up inside of it, and it took my breath away.

Like most people, I’ve always been so moved by the words of Dr. King. Just the sound of his voice turns on my well water. His unbelievably passionate pursuit of truth, justice and equality through love penetrates my body, then grabs my soul and places her on the outside as if I’ve found my kin. He just gets it—life, love and humanity.

This particular quote of his speaks to the better nature of all of us. It signifies a common moral foundation that we all share as humans and it calls on us to live life accordingly, at all times, and at all costs. And to personalize his words, relating it to the problems we may face in our own lives, I find tremendous freedom in the urgency to live in a way that’s right, and just, for me.

May we all find comfort in the words of Dr. King, for truth and justice through acts of love will always bring us closer to each other, closer to our Selves, and closer to God.

The Passionate Pursuit of Passion

Quotes of the day: “Sometimes par is good enough to win.” – From the film, Tin Cup

“I will never substitute joy for practicality.” - Mazda commercial

Last night, as part of my resting within assignment, I decided to indulge myself in some of my favorite pop culture television shows. I was taking the night off from finding motivation within and decided to look outside myself, particularly to the primetime dramas drafted by highly talented screen writers. I hoped to find inspiration through their work, and fortunately, I did. Much to my surprise, there appeared to be a common theme shared.

It all started with a TV show about doctors—doctors who are chiefs, residents, interns, friends, lovers and haters. The main theme in question was whether one should choose the love of another over their most precious gift or talent. What an interesting scenario it created.

Stepping away from that for a moment, I then found myself very interested in watching an old movie about a naturally talented golfer who has chosen an off-the-beaten-path lifestyle (living in a Winnebago in West Texas) that contains his talents in a safe, non-threatening environment. Everything changes when he meets a girl and tries to win her heart by making “more” of himself, in society’s terms, through competing in a professional golf tournament against her boyfriend. His main challenge in life is that he always finds himself in situations where he could either take the safer road to victory, where he would probably end up being more “successful,” or risk it all through what has the potential to be an unbelievable shot. He always chooses to take the big shot, even though it costs him the competition. He stays true to his passion and inspiration, regardless.

Although these scenarios are different, the common theme I continued to ponder was the challenge people face when figuring out how to remain true their gift, which in many cases defines who they are, without retreating from the world—from lovers, family, society—to then end up in solitude.

Because I was so heavily influenced from yesterday’s couch surfing, I thought it was only appropriate to use two quotes that I heard last night while watching TV as the quotes of the day. I often wonder, when thinking about my own life, is par good enough?

As my spirit aches for more, yearns for more, the most obvious question is, more what? More life! More passion, more zest, more vibrancy, more purpose, more meaning…the list goes on and on. But why? Why isn’t par good enough to win? Why isn’t playing safe, where I win with steady paychecks and stable health insurance coverage, enough? Why must I feel the need to also take that big shot where all can be lost when others don’t?

Maybe it’s ego. Maybe it’s pride. Or, maybe, just maybe, it’s because there is a talent waiting to be shared.

I found myself connecting to the characters. I empathized with their love for their passion and their unwillingness to settle for less than what they feel to be true for them. And I also appreciated how the truth of love appeared, showing us that it allows people to be who they are, so you don’t have to decide.

If only I was passionate about something that would present such a clear profession as does the love of medicine or the perfect golf swing. I know I'm passionate about many different things, but none of them seem to equate to a profession.

If only there was a job for people who are passionate about living life passionately. Then maybe I'd be of some use, somewhere.

The Art of Resting

“I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.” —Agatha Christie; writer

My dear friend, Tasneem, has coined the phrase, “get-up muscle.” What it’s referring to is people’s ability to persevere in their life…to continue on…to get up and show up in life even when they are weary and burdened.

I love this phrase. When I started “Irrational Joy,” I began to work my get-up muscle both physically and spiritually. I started by working my core and lower back. Over the past few months my lower back had been very sore; even quite painful at times. It became clear that I needed to strengthen the muscles where the pain occurred. Unfortunately, my father suffers from terrible lower-back pain and injuries, which have greatly affected his mobility. With much sadness in my heart for his limitations, I couldn’t help but to see him as a mirror of my aged self. It promptly motivated me to take a few minutes each day to strengthen my core. Already I feel a noticeable difference.

Our “physical” core is what allows our bodies to get up from the horizontal position we sleep in to the vertical position we stand in. Plus, it’s what enables us to have balance. Our “spiritual” core is what keeps us motivated to get out of bed, whether we’re able-bodied or not. Without the spiritual get-up muscle, we got nothing.

Blogging each day is part of my training, just like the core exercises. It gets me going, thinking, connecting, reflecting, and finding joy. It helps me to slip into the gap…the place where we all come from…the bliss. However, the entire day doesn’t always feel so blissful. At least once a day, if not more, I begin to lose steam. I want to give up on this whole faith thing. I become petrified. I become doubtful and lose trust. I start to feel lost and alone.

But then the next day comes and I use my get-up muscle to keep going…and I don’t even have to face anything awful in my life, like the people in Haiti, except for unfulfilled work. But honestly, it’s enough to require my get-up muscle. I call on it every day, and every day, at some point, if not at multiple points, I experience the joy in living.

That’s what I love about today’s quote. It’s all encompassing and honest. How could we even begin to feel the depth of joy if we’ve never felt sorrow? How could we possibly know hope if we’ve never known despair?

All of us have a get-up muscle. We may or may not recognize it, but it’s there. Just like our core, we can choose to strengthen it, or not.

Do something today that strengthens your spiritual get-up muscle. The only requirement is that it feels good, inside.

Today, besides my blog entry, I choose to rest within. I don’t have to be ambitious today. I don’t have to be inspired. Today, I’m strengthening my get-up muscle by doing the exact opposite of what we do to strengthen our core muscles—I’m resting it. What a fabulous oxymoron.

America’s Fallen Idol

Quote of the day: “Life is just a chance to grow a soul.” —A. Powell Davies; minister

I grew a soul this weekend (see quote of the day)…in the dance studio. In my post on Friday, “The Many Faces of Fear,” I talked about the fear of creating a dance piece with a friend of mine. I had never done anything so formal, and quite frankly, out of my comfort zone.

More specifically, since I am new to my own creative process of choreographing dance, I was afraid I’d fall flat on my face and not find any inspiration. Plus, we’d be creating “together,” which I had no idea what that would actually look like.

To the contrary, it went great. The inspiration came effortlessly, and precisely from the soul. Where else could it have come from if I haven’t had years of modern dance training? African dance, yes. But, modern? Not so much. It must be in the soul. How else could I do it? We didn’t finish the entire song, but that’s OK. I am overwhelmingly pleased with what we did create. It’s beautiful, fun, and a reflection of us.

It wasn’t scary at all. As with most things we’re afraid of in life, the thought of it turned out to be scarier than the actual act. Why is that? Do we try to protect ourselves in case it does become too difficult and we get our feelings hurt? Or, are we conditioned to self-sabotage?

Maybe the real question is, why do we never feel good enough?

I can say why. It’s because we live in a society that constantly compares and competes. We reward the “best” talent. As a culture, we love to judge. Take a look at the number of talent competition TV shows that have been created over the past few years: American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, America’s Got Talent, So You Think You Can Dance, America’s Best Dance Crew, etc. The ratings for the majority of these shows are through the roof.

People love to be the best. I know I always did, especially when it came to sports. I loved to compete and win. Losing? Not so much. I tried to avoid it at all costs. But as I’ve developed my Self more consciously over the past X years, I’ve realized that what I really yearn for is to give my best; not necessarily be the best. In the end, when I’ve given my best, I’ve already won.

But I can’t help to wonder about the people who audition for these shows, fully confident and believing they have a chance to win, only to fall short and be told by the judges that they are utterly and completely awful. If you’ve ever seen one of the American Idol episodes when they’re traveling from state to state, holding open auditions, you know the contestants I’m referring to. I wonder how their sense of Self is so different than what we see as viewers and judges. Is it better for them to live in their reality than the outsider’s reality?

I don’t have the answer here, but what I’m getting at is maybe it’s better to lower our expectation of what’s “good” in effort to do what we fear. Not everything we do in life is meant to be a competition, let alone that we be the best at what we’re doing.

Some things in life are meant for the pure enjoyment of it—no strings attached.

Maybe therein lies the answer to the American Idol contestants…

Once Upon a Daydream

Quote of the day: “Don’t wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.” – Mark Victor Hansen

The flow of today has been quite the hustle. I had a deadline to meet at work and I had been putting off the majority of the work until today. Even though my morning and early afternoon felt like a blur, I’ve completed the tasks before the time. Perfect.

In taking a moment to breathe and connect with the world outside of my head, I am inspired. There’s not one particular person, place or thing that is inspiring me; just the mere fact of being alive. However, one of the best parts of being alive is having the ability to daydream.

Hello, my name is Jill Ouikahilo and I’m a daydreamer. Big time.

I love to drift off in warm, feel-good thoughts. It’s so comforting and inspiring. Sometimes these daydreams motivate me to act in a way that supports my best Self. Other times the daydream stays right where it is—in the dream. Not every daydream is meant to come to life, but what about the ones that are supposed to come to life? How are we to tell the difference?

For me, I decipher which dreams will be worth it—where the joy in the essence of the dream outweighs the struggle that’s required to bring it to fruition. I’ve been daydreaming about my future…what I want it to feel like and look like. I already know from personal experience that living a dream isn’t always easy and doesn’t always feel as good as it did when it was a dream because of what’s required to sustain it in this physical world.

This I’ve learned well. It’s taught me to be more selective in my daydreaming searches and has prepared me for the next venture.

Per the quote of the day, I do believe there are no perfect conditions and that there is never a time that everything is just right. Life is messy, kinda like my closet. All we need to do is pick up one piece of clothing at a time, and little by little, it will be clean. And just when it gets clean, it will get messy again. So is life. All we need to do is choose to live now, today, and act in a way that supports the dream because it is in the present moment that we create our future.

Do something today that supports your dream of tomorrow.

Give Love Life

Quote of the day: "Don't take life too seriously. You won't make it out alive." - unknown

As the weekend flew by like a whirlwind, I'm left a bit under the weather. I have some element of sickness circulating through my upper respiratory system. Thankfully I am off from work today, which allows me be more restful.

I have only a brief note for today and then back to resting...

Yesterday I had the pleasure of sharing in the joy of my aunt Sharon's 61st birthday. In honor of her, a group of 10 friends and family members went out to lunch. It was fairly fine dining. Sharon enjoyed her delicate squares with a cosmopolitan, while a few of us sipped down a bubbly mimosa. It was a pleasant afternoon meal followed by coffee, cake and presents at her house.

The highlight of the afternoon came when Sharon opened a gift from my mother, which was the quote of the day written in beautiful caligraphy, framed and matted. It was precious. Sharon told my mom she loved this quote and that she refers to it often when speaking to her staff at the office. You see, Sharon has suffered some terrible tragedies in her life, most notably being the loss of her daughter, Shelley. More than 40 years ago, Sharon and Shelley were in a car accident. Sharon barely survived, but Shelley didn't make it. I believe she was no older than 1 year.

This tragic event shaped Sharon's life and her Self. She is one of the most loving, caring, compassionate and giving women I know. Her ability to feel runs as deep as the ocean. What moves me the most about Sharon is her ability to persevere. She never, never gives up on joy, and most importantly, she never gives up on life.

As we cleaned up the wrapping paper from the floor, Sharon called us all to attention. She had something to say. She proceeded to comment on the quote of the day and how incredibly accurate it is...that it is precisely because of her ability to not take life too seriously that's she's been able to endure the losses. With heartfelt laughter and tears, Sharon thanked us for being in her lives...she thanked us for loving her...

How beautiful it is to love others, and to be loved.

The Morning Hour

Just a poem...

Stillness spent drinking in the morning wake
warm, relaxing, full of breath
lighted candles glow
visions of Self
moments of truth
remembering what is known
there is no meaning at all...just the meaning we give it
feeling a flow...and letting yourself go
floating away with it...to a new place
a new day

The Many Faces of Fear

Quote of the day: “Vision is not enough, it must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps, we must step up the stairs.” —Václav Havel; playwright, essayist

The mortality theme continues to flow into today’s musings. Not necessarily by choice, but through observation.

First off, one of the first things my colleague discusses with me this morning was a story she read in her hometown newspaper about a college basketball player who went up for a rebound, bumped into some guys, fell, and hit his head. Twenty minutes later, at the hospital, he was pronounced dead. Just like that, he died of a head injury from a fall that probably happens every day on the basketball court. Just like that.

Then, I was standing in front of glass doors, looking out at the world. I needed to step away for a moment from the computer screen and connect with the actual day. Anyways, in the distance from our office building lays a cemetery. Another colleague of mine sees me standing at the door, walks up to me, and tells me how every day she sees the same woman, walking the same path, up into the cemetery. We comment on who she could be visiting. I felt sad for her.

In a matter of two hours I was faced with two scenarios regarding death. And after yesterday’s blog entry, I can’t help but to wonder what else am I trying to understand about life from the physical reality of death?

Live each day to the fullest? OK, makes sense. Seize the moment? Alright, I got it. I understand these mantras intellectually and spiritually, but what do they mean in practical, tangible terms?

For me, it means getting together with a friend on Saturday to create a dance to a song that moves my soul from the inside out. This, I have never done before. I don’t have training in choreographing dance pieces. I don’t have moves I can pull out of my dance bag from someone else. All I have is my own groove…and what the heck is that?

I’ve never shared with someone else the creative process of manifesting movement. In fact, I just started to do this with my Self only a few months ago. But, this song, this incredibly soulful song by Alicia Keys, titled “Tell you something” on her “As I Am” album, inspires me to invite this particular friend into the studio with me to create together. I don’t know why. I don’t what we’ll even do, but I know it’s what my body and soul so desperately ache to do. I just love the rift, groove and musical composition of the song. Give a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOd342yao-M

This is what it means, for me, to seize the moment. It means actually doing what I’m inspired to do. It doesn’t matter if the action of the inspiration is big or small because it’s all relevant. Creating a dance piece with a friend might seem like a low-risk thing to do. It’s not like I’m jumping out of an airplane, or quitting a job without necessarily having another job lined up (hmm), but it’s very scary to me. It makes me feel vulnerable…What if in the studio I’m not inspired to move and I can’t come up with anything? What then? I suck. I got nothing…This is the fear talking.

The fear of failure.

I’ve realized, in this moment, that I am more afraid to fail than I am to die.

Wow. I'll need to chew on that...

In the Wake of a Disaster

Quote of the day: “The wise man belongs to all countries, for the home of a great soul is the whole world.” –Democritus, Greek Philosopher

There’s nothing more sobering than watching the devastation that’s taking place right now in Haiti. It’s awful; so awful. I feel so helpless. There’s just so much destruction and despair. How can the people of Haiti possibly endure it all? How do they begin recover or even rebuild? There’s just so much; so much…

And the truth is, they will endure, recover and rebuild, over time. It’s a testament to the human spirit. Void of race, color, or creed, the human spirit is amazingly capable of enduring such a disaster. How else could they survive sleeping, injured and hungry, on the streets of the make-shift camps? How else could they continue to search and rescue others while they mourn the losses they have already suffered?

They are my brothers and sisters; our brothers and sisters. As they suffer, so do I. As they mourn, so should we.

As our mortality glares at us through the television screen of the on-site news coverage, I can only draw strength from Haitian people. They are my source of inspiration. What value is their life and mine if I don’t respond when death is staring at me in the face? How can we not act as if today is all we have? And with that, how can we not make the best out of today?

It’s easy to physically turn away from the devastation. I can put down the newspaper, or turn off the TV, which I have done a number of times already. But who am I fooling. It’s there for them, and it’s there for me.

Perspective is always a funny thing when it’s at the expense of another. It always makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. The loss of so many lives in an instant seems to magnify the actuality of life itself, including mine. I sit here in what appears to be a “comfortable” setting, where I am in no immediate physical threat. I have shelter, food and clean water. I have clothes, a car…a list of material possessions. And as I sit here, I suffer over the dissatisfaction with my work life. Are you kidding me?

It’s not that my feelings within my own life aren’t real, or of value. They are. But my goodness, if the Haitians are capable of sifting through rubble to find live or dead bodies, I can definitely sift through the emotional dissatisfaction within myself to find the courage to live life how I see fit.

May we all do something today to help the Haitian people, and help ourselves.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

I’ve been stewing over today’s blog entry, trying to listen within to what pops us. And honestly, I don’t hear anything.

Here lies a problem.

It’s not that we need a profound thought to share each day, or that we need to say something just to say something. Every day, regardless of what’s actually happening, writers tend to have the ability to create a conversation based on their own reflections. This could be something as simple as nature, to something as complex as relationships, to something even more complex as our relationship with our Selves. The ability to observe life as an outsider while being a participant is what I believe lends to interesting writing. In order to do that, one must stand firmly within in order to gain such perspective.

I look like I’m playing a game of Twister right about now. I’m all over the place.

I just can’t seem to carve out that “time” each morning to center myself. And really, how the heck is it supposed to be done? Do we not sleep? Do we ignore our house chores, partners, kids, jobs, commitments? How does the modern-day woman find her balance?

There are countless articles printed in pop magazines that address this challenge and books. You know the ones I’m referring to, the “How to Reduce Your Stress in 5 Easy Steps” articles or the “Find Your Inner Balance” books. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you sense where my emotional self is today?

I don’t know about everyone else, but this is what happens to me when I’m tired. I’m totally useless. There is nothing rational about my joy today. It’s completely irrational, along with me.

Life can feel like a treadmill that has no stop button; not even the one that you clip to your shirt in case you fall off. Nada. Zip. Zilch. It just continues to go on, and on, and on, and on, whether you are ready or not.

I swear, Greg Anderson is speaking directly to me through the quote of the day. He’s saying, “Jill, shut the heck up! Stop your mindless wishing of things being different and start to find other ways to get what you want!”

I can hear his voice beating down on me. I don’t have any idea who he is, but I can still hear him. He sounds like the wizard in the Wizard of Oz.

Alright, Greg, I hear you. There must be a way to do it—to create the life experience we desire.

And, Greg replies, “Have faith. You know what to do. Now do it!”

I only hope Greg is not hiding behind a curtain like the wizard.

Well, look at that. I guess I did have something to say after all.

Quote of the day: "Stop the mindless wishing that things would be different. Rather than wasting time and emotional and spiritual energy in explaining why we don't have what we want, we can start to pursue other ways to get it." -Greg Anderson

The Joy in Losing

Quote of the day: “Confidence, like art, never comes from having all the answers; it comes from being open to all the questions.” – Earl Gray Stevens

I have to be honest. I’m a bit disappointed. I didn’t receive a call-back from the first round of interviews. I didn’t make the cut. No possible new job, new chapter, new adventure, new life.

When I received the invitation to the first round of interviews, I wasn’t quite sure if I even wanted the position. And, after the interview itself, I still wasn’t sure I wanted the job. It had a lot to offer: higher pay, more human contact, less time spent sitting at your desk. All of these factors intrigued me. I even created a whole story in my head of where Biboti and I could travel with the extra money. It’s funny how quickly our brains can fantasize.

All the while, I knew it was just a fantasy and that reality would hit sooner rather than later. It was fun to dream. Even though I’ve moved on from the fantasy part, I’m a bit stuck in the rejection piece. I can’t help but to ask myself, “Why didn’t they want me? What was wrong with me?”

I realized the feeling of not being chosen compared to the feeling of losing a game. It’s all about competition. I once loved competition. Most importantly, I once loved winning. I was extremely competitive in every sport I played, and when I was younger, that competitive edge played a larger role in other areas of my life, some of which became very self-destructive.

I didn’t win here. I lost. And it stinks to lose. But I can’t help to wonder if it’s possible to actually win when you lose?

We hear all the time and I find myself saying, “Well, I guess it wasn’t mean to be.” But what does that actually mean? Is it a way to console the loss? Is it a way to justify you weren’t good enough? Or, is it being able to trust the unknown?

We can’t always see in the present how we can win from a loss. There’s just a void; an empty pit. Maybe what eventually fills that void is the answer we’ve been waiting to receive?

One can only hope.

I definitely don’t have all the answers, but I surely do have a lot of questions. According to Early Gray Stevens’ quote of day that’s being confident. For me, it’s not so much about confidence than it is the alternative. To limit the possibilities of this loss to me not being good enough doesn’t have any value or serve any purpose except for making me feel bad about myself, and what good can come from that? Sure, I can reflect on my interviewing style and find areas of improvement that can serve as a learning tool. But to be honest, I really felt good about how I represented myself as a professional and as a person. If that wasn’t good enough, then I can either believe I wasn’t good enough, or it wasn’t meant to be.

I choose to believe it wasn’t meant to be.

What Goes Up Comes Down

Quote of the day: “Nothing can bring you happiness but yourself.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

As with anything in life, what goes up must come down, including us. Physics is a bitch. The emotional high of the weekend leaves me feeling a bit off today at work. I believe it’s the consequence of having too much fun, if there is one. Unfortunately, we all touch down to earth at some point. I miss them terribly already.

Could it be possible to love hanging out with your girlfriends too much?

A Columbia Girls’ gathering, whether it’s big or small, never falls short of its ultimate goal: endless laugher and chatter. Today’s silent humming of HVAC units and keyboard strokes magnify the boredom of office work. Can we get a little connection, please? You know; human to human contact? Enough already with the e-mail, Internet and computer vibes. Can’t a girl get a little life out of the day?

I guess this is life too…endless time spent in cyberspace, void of human interaction and our senses. This is the other end of the physics equation; the denominator; the down. Where’s the joy in this?

Oh yeah, I remember, there is none. The joy is in me. Separate from the tasks at-hand, free from condition, the joy resides within. People have been saying this adage for years, including Emerson in the quote of the day, “Nothing can bring you happiness but yourself.”

Except for girlfriends, Sir Emerson. Obviously he never spent time with The Columbia Girls, or had his own great group of guy friends. They can surely bring happiness. But to take it a step deeper, the whole joy-in-hanging-out-with-your-girlfriend thing, one of the reasons why it is so fun is because my best Self comes to life when hanging out with them. They are incredible mirrors. They help me to see more clearly who I am and who I hope to be. It is within their presence that the worlds of my past, present and future collide because the good ole stories of yesterday continue to be told; the realities of the present are shared and processed out-loud, with experts; and the hopes and dreams of the future are nurtured.

There’s no pretending with them. No need to walk on eggshells. If there’s an elephant in the room, I’m usually good for inviting her to dinner. We get the news out in the open, free from shame, worry or guilt.

We don’t even DO anything when we’re together except eat, drink and be merry. Sure, that’s a lot of fun, but we can do that with almost any group of friends or family. What makes spending time with The Columbia Girls so special is that the foundation of our union was built upon a time in our lives where the freedom of youth met the expansion of a higher mind.

College life: a perfect blend of past and future for the ultimate present.

We may no longer look just like the girls we once were (thank God—the beer drinking added a puffy element to most of us), or think just like them (double thank God--we made some really stupid choices), but we are surely still them…with children, partners and jobs in tow.

Live, Laugh, Love

Quote of the day: “A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.”-- Elbert Hubbard

I have fabulous friends. It’s hard not to be boastful when it comes to them. They are dynamic, grounded, nurturing, bold, likeable, loud, humorous, sensitive, real, creative, consistent and adventurous…the total package.

Words can’t describe how different I feel after a girlfriend getaway. It’s as if suddenly everything is OK in life. All the idiosyncrasies that annoy you and drive you nuts no longer feel so unbearable. A part of them actually feel a bit enjoyable. Always there’s a change in perspective; a newness; a freshness.

There were many topics of conversations covered, as you can imagine, but before we get there, I needed to physically get there. The getaway always begins with a road trip. Yes! What in life is better than a road trip? Really. Noelle almost always drives. She’s a great road-tripper. We instantly begin to catch up on each other’s news, and everyone else’s, and begin to solve all the problems. We laugh and giggle. We share in our hopes and dreams, and talk about the company we’re all building outside the typical confines of a conference room. This brainstorm session was about logos, and Noelle and her husband playfully sketched a few designs, which are great. And continually, we share in our joy and enthusiasm for the night ahead. We build it up even more. We’re all just desperate to be together and to fully immerse ourselves in the fun of it.

We arrive in Rochester, and at Jenny’s condo, because of the highly talented “Tom Tom.” You know –that GPS system. It was my first experience traveling with a Tom Tom, and ONLY a Tom Tom. We didn’t have any other directions. I was extremely nervous to drive without any sense of direction and to have to rely solely on the voice of the Tom Tom. Talk about trust? Noelle just kept laughing at me for being so mesmerized by the whole thing. I grew to like her and her virtual driving.

The condo is gorgeous—perfect for Jenny. It’s what she had been wishing for over the past few years. Even though living in her fabulous downtown Rochester apartment was great, she had grown out of it. She yearned for more space to express who she had grown into. The condo completely reflects her, and her boyfriend, and it’s just right.

Joy and her little baby girl, Sam, were already there when we arrived. It didn’t take long before the first glass of wine was poured, and I’ll confess, it was me who did it. I couldn’t wait any longer to sit on couches, chit chat and drink wine. Everyone else quickly joined in.

Sam was chill the entire night. As the conversation passed, so was she. Good snuggly time was spent with each of her aunties. I wonder if she could have possibly been influenced by her environment last night, even at this incredibly premature age, by all the conversation. If she was, she would know all about men—men has husbands, men as boyfriends, men as friends and men as lovers. She would know all about whom she should count and who she shouldn’t, and that even ten times could still not be enough to have to count, according to her Aunt Noelle. At least this piece of conversation involved some mathematical concepts.

She would also know all about women in their early thirties…our wants, our needs, our struggles, our powers. Sam would have all the answers, or none of them. She would have learned to not have an intimate relationship in high school, so it doesn’t do so much damage. She would instead wait for college and then enjoy herself responsibly. She would not stay in unhealthy relationships because she was insecure. She would have confidence in herself and her beauty, and enjoy the powers it brings. She would hold her girlfriends closest to her heart, where her family lies, and always rely on them alongside any boyfriends. She would manifest in her thirty-something life hopes and dreams from her twenties.

And most importantly, she would know the importance of getting away with girlfriends. No one gets this more than her mom, Joy. When Sam was about three weeks old, Joy drove with her from Ithaca to Syracuse for the opening celebration of One Village Dance Centre. Some of the other Columbia Girls were coming and staying the night at my house and Joy did not want to miss this opportunity to at least see them for a few hours. Giving birth three weeks prior meant nothing to her.

The weekend wrapped up as it should have—with a yummy, and somewhat greasy, breakfast at a local diner. It was delicious. The four of us enjoyed the multiple refills of coffee, eggs, home fries, toast, pancakes, bacon and French toast. Sam laid her weary head, with a green-knit cap, to the side in her car seat (I think that’s what you call them?) and rested. She may have been awake enough last night to learn all about men and living in her thirties, but today she’s still a baby and needs her beauty sleep. The time will come on her own for her to wake up in her early thirties. If she’s anything like us, she won’t be rushing to grow up.

Girlfriend Getaway

Quote of the day: “Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.” —Jane Howard

I had the good fortune this morning of sleeping in. After completing my first week back to work from a week and a half of vacation, it was much needed. To top it off, I woke up to the excitement of a mini Columbia Girls retreat.

(Note: The Columbia Girls is the name of my group of college girlfriends, which includes 12 fabulous women. We became known as The Columbia Girls because our junior year in college we all lived together in one very big house on Columbia Street. We would travel from party to party, or bar to bar, in one big, obvious pack. Our peers quickly dubbed us as “The Columbia Girls.”)

Today’s reunion brings just four of us together in Rochester, N.Y. Although we’ll miss the other 2/3 of our clan, we’ll surely enjoy the 1/3 we have.

In reading my morning musings, I came across the most perfect phrase of what I believe to be true and what I am working to accomplish through this blog/experiment. In my faithful book of truth, “Communion with God” by Neale Donald Walsch, he states:

“If your life is an experience of constant joy and total bliss, then you truly have it. This does not mean that your life is without the conditions that can cause pain, suffering, and disappointment. It does mean that you live in joy despite those conditions. Your experience had nothing to do with the conditions.”

This statement sums up everything I’ve been trying to express over the past week. It is the quintessential explanation of this blog, “Irrational Joy.” It clears away the illusion that living in joy and bliss equates to a pain-free life. On the contrary, it reiterates how crucial it is to be able to detach from the conditions in order to remain in a state of joy. To be able to live in such harmony, for me, requires the daily exercise of spiritual study and understanding, which is no different than any form of physical exercise. If you don’t use it, you lose it.

As with physical activity, some days you just need a longer run, bigger hike, or a challenging dance class. It’s the same with spiritual exercise. Some days you need more silence, study or a weekend with your girlfriends filled with excessive laughter, food and wine, and never-get-old stories.

Jane Howard is right when she says that everyone needs a clan. I’m incredibly thankful for mine.

Let it Ride

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.”—James Neil Hollingworth

Friday is always a good day because it signifies the weekend has finally come, but what bothers me about Fridays is that it reminds me of how sad it is to live your life for the weekend. I fall guilty to this thought process all too often. I’m wondering if you live in our society, which is filled to the brim with structured work days, school days, commitments and events, is it possible to live each day with the same joy and excitement we have for the weekend? Or, are we destined to fall into the trap of “wishful weekend thinking” because of the nature of our society?

For me, this is the ultimate challenge of this life experience...To find the illustrious balance of joy and playfulness within each day, spanning from the vocation to the weekend vacation. I often find myself needing the full day on Saturday to recover from whirlwind of the work week. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that something is off here. One school of thought would be to tell myself to “Suck it up! Work is work. It’s not meant to be fun and feel good. That’s why they call it work.” Another school of thought would be to tell myself to “Wake up! This isn’t working. Stop trying to fit a round peg in a square hole. Life isn’t mean to be torturous. Follow your joy. Trust in it. It will bring you work, but only if you bring it to life.”

It’s all well and good, the second school of thought, but what the hell does it mean in practical terms? Do I simply spend my days cross country skiing, writing my blog entries, taking dance and yoga classes, hiking, traveling, drinking coffee, hanging out with friends and family, reading, jogging and meditating, and expect to find a way to make a living?

Ah ha! In this moment, as I wrote the last sentence, I realize doing all of the above is exactly that—making a living—a life that is vibrant, colorful and joyful. I have the making-a-living part covered. The question is then, how do I earn money while I’m living?

There has got to be a way…somewhere, somehow. Even though I can’t mentally find a solution, my spirit so deeply believes in it to be true. And once again, in this moment, as I write the last sentence, I continue to be reminded of my need to “find” the solution. I’m never going to find it. It will find me. It always has before, so I don’t know why I would think this time it would be any different. I just want it now.

I know my blog entries may seem a bit contradictory and cyclical, where some days I am confident in the unknown and other days I’ve scared out of my mind, trying to build up confidence to be who I yearn to be. In living and writing authentically, I must present my Self as is, on that particular day, in order to accurately document the process of one committed to following their bliss. For some, it may be an overnight decision to change everything in their lives in an instant. For me, this time, I’m choosing to be more patient, mindful and grounded, which is much different than how I’ve followed by bliss before. And honestly, I have more fear (and responsibilities) than I ever had before.

The big difference, this time, is that I’m no longer alone. It’s no longer JUST about me, and that’s OK. When your actions just affect you, that’s one thing, but when your actions immediately affect someone else, that’s another thing. When another human being has joined your ride in life, it’s worth taking the extra time to make sure the lap bar is securely fastened because he’s worth too much to risk lightly. Even though he’s expressed full support in what I choose, I still feel timid, meaning it's not really about him that's holding me back. It's me. But in the end, my misery will eventually become his if I don’t do anything, which is why it is ultimately our duty to follow our bliss regardless of circumstance.

Boiling Point

Quote of the day: “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” – J.K. Rowling

Today, I am utterly and completely exhausted. Like clockwork, by the time Thursday afternoon comes, the wave of fatigue crashes down on me, sucking me under and pulling me in. Much like the winter waves in Hanalei Bay, Kauai, if you don’t hold still underneath the ocean’s wreckage, you’ll become wrecked yourself. I’ve recognized this pattern of fatigue. We meet every week about this time. Well, the weeks I’m not on vacation.

Tonight, in response, I choose to rest at home (underneath the wreckage) by finishing my blog entry and then curling up on the sofa to Sex and the City episodes on DVD that were checked out from the library. Side note: This is just one of my husband’s many strengths. He rented the entire box set for me the other day, unasked. What a guy.

As I wait for the tea pot to sing its wonderfully annoying song titled, “Boiled,” before I begin to dive into a Sex and the City marathon, I can’t help but to reflect on my day. In ways it was just another ordinary day, starting with a difficult wake-up (although you’d be happy to know the coffee trick has helped, slightly) followed by a rushed-to-get-out-the-door morning, to the usual hurry-up-and-get-me-to-work-as-fast-as-possible look I give to Biboti as he drives me to work. What was different though was I had a job interview for another position within the University. One hour, six interviewers and a writing test later, I rushed back to work, exhausted.

I’m not sure if I’ll be offered the job, and I’m not stressing about it. If they think I’ll be a good fit and I think I’ll be a good fit, then so it goes. If they don’t, or I don’t, then so it goes. No harm, no foul. All will be well.

Even as the fatigue drains my mental body and physical body, my spirit holds steadfast in its joy. I can’t exactly control how my body responds to the long work week and to what happens outside of me, but I can control the health and well-being of my spirit. And with her remaining seated next to the light of joy, hope and possibility, then all will be well accordingly.

I appreciate the words of J.K. Rowling in today’s quote of the day. It reminds me that the act of living can become the dream itself.

…And there she goes, singing her wonderfully annoying song…until tomorrow.

Always Do Your Warm-Ups

Quote of the day: “The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.” – Ben Stein

The idea for this blog came to me in October 2009. (I had no idea about the Julie & Julia movie! Pblssst.) We had just opened One Village Dance Centre after a year of mobilizing political, social and emotional capital, and after five years of envisioning such a project. I was sitting on the hand-me-down couch in my writing room that looks out into my backyard, settling into the stillness within. I reflected on the tremendous rollercoaster of getting a business opened and could feel the effects of the ups and downs, twists and turns. A mild case of whiplash still lingered throughout my body. I was amazed, and still am, that we were able to create from the unseen what is now seen; that we were able to sign a lease on a building with no money in the bank or assets to leverage, yet only a knowing, a trust, that it will work itself out; that we fill find a way to make it happen. And we did.

When I would hear similar stories like this that happened to other people, I would always get stuck in the, “How did they do it? Really.” Over and over I would hear all about the faith thing, and the unwavering trust and belief in the project that ultimately led to opportunities, answers and solutions. It’s as if the will of those people found the way. I could understand this spiritually, but not mentally. I could understand this when it comes to a single person, without the responsibilities of providing for others, because I could relate it to the adventures I experienced in my early twenties. But I could not for the life of me wrap my brain around how someone could leap with multiple bags in tow.

It turned out I was one of those people. I leaped while carrying more than the single bag I had grown accustom to and I landed in the reality of the dream. During the first three months of signing the lease, where the fundraising part was so crucial, I was electrified. I had a tremendous amount of energy. I mobilized. I was inspired. Most importantly, I believed down to the very essence of my core that we would persevere. I didn’t know how, and I didn’t exactly know when, but I knew that we would. And we did.

However, I did learn that bringing a dream to reality, even when you’re dialed in to allowing spirit to guide you, isn’t so smooth. There were numerous starts and stops; steps forward and steps backward. There were times of joy and times of fear, but throughout each of these times, there was always trust in a hopeful outcome. The most important life lesson I learned throughout the year was detachment. In specific terms, I learned to detach from outcomes. I would set goals and intentions, but I stopped attaching to how they would play themselves out. Attachment only brings suffering because there is no wiggle room; no room to grow, change or evolve. Detachment allows you to remain open to the fruition of the intention.

As I gazed out the sliding glass door in my writing room, taking comfort in our ability to open the doors to our dream, both physically and metaphorically, I realized we had only just begun. The real work was in sustaining; in keeping the doors open. But, I remain detached to what sustaining looks like. I recognize this challenge daily, but I don’t give in to the fear now because I didn’t before. And today, I have physical proof of what trusting in a hopeful outcome can bring. I dance in it every night.

So as I recognized where we had come from and what was required before us, I thought to myself, “Why not do the same thing with my ‘work’ in life?” I believe in me. I believe in what I dream my life to look like and feel like in regards to lifestyle. I don’t know exactly what it looks like in terms of a defined job description, but I have plenty of ideas on what it should feel like. I know what I am good at and what brings me joy when I am doing it. What I don’t know is how my dream of a work-life will be financed. But we didn’t know how the studio would be financed either when we leaped.

This is how I came to the idea of the blog. It didn’t feel right to start the blog then. I was inspired to begin with the New Year. Not because of the cliché New Year’s resolution, but because of the significance in documenting a full year from the beginning to the end. Starting in mid-October just felt wrong, energetically. Also, I needed a few months to build up the courage to commit to such an idea.

My intuition knew the time was right when we signed the lease to the building, and I know my intuition will tell me when the time is right to make the career leap. I’m feeling rumblings, but it’s not the time just yet. I also thought it would be important to document the time leading up to any changes. Just as anything in life, how meaningful would the end result be if we didn’t have a sense of the beginning?

We just don’t leap in life out of nowhere. There’s a training period; a build-up. Spiritual exercise is no different than physical exercise. We always need to warm-up; lengthen and strengthen. Then, we get to a point where it’s time to go—to jump!

I'm stretching my hip flexors and spirit flexors about right now.

Not Your Average Cup of Joe

Quote of the day: “Your vocation in life is where your greatest joy meets the world’s greatest need.” – Frederick Buechner

I’m batting two-for-two the past two days at work. This is a rare occasion for me. What I mean by that sport reference is I’ve remained centered in who I am while at work. This usually comes in waves and lasts for a few moments, not days.

Today didn’t start out so easy though. I found it much more difficult to wake up this morning then I did yesterday. I honestly don’t know yet how to break through that awful morning wake-up feel. When I was in the shower I tried to brainstorm ideas, but the only thought I had was to buy myself really good organic coffee and use its delicious taste as the motivation for me to wake up. The coffee idea probably came from my desperate need to get out of the shower and GET a cup of coffee, but regardless, it is still all that I can think of.

My vocation surely doesn’t excite me enough to want to get up and I’ve tried time and time again to use the idea of “my morning time” to get me up early, but that still doesn’t work. When my body pleads, “Just a few more minutes, please!” it doesn’t matter how fulfilling it feels to journal, read or meditate. My mind isn’t awake enough to override my body. So, maybe, just maybe, the thought of good, tasty, savory coffee will get me out of bed with more ease because my mind doesn’t need to think too hard to remind my body how great it feels to have a good cup of coffee.

Like so many of us, I dragged myself out of bed and persevered through the sleep comma I was in. My morning time was, of course, cut short due to that extra few minutes of sleeping, which led to many more minutes. I felt my irritable Self infiltrate the morning hour, but I still managed to drum up some joy through quickly reading a passage in one of my most favorite books, “Communion with God,” by Neale Donald Walsch. It said something along the lines of, and I’m paraphrasing here, what life can be like when we are living consciously: “Experiences are then something we choose to do, not have. They are actions, not reactions. Life then becomes what you create it to be, not accepted as so.”

I felt a shift. I never thought of experiences as an action we choose to do. I’ve always thought of choices as an action and the experience of that choice as the reaction. I like it though.

Per the quote of the day, I don’t know where my greatest joy meets the world’s greatest need, which is why I don’t know yet what my vocation is, but I do know that I experienced (chosen action) great joy connecting with a colleague this morning who is on his own spiritual journey. He felt overwhelmed in his life, lost and paralyzed to move forward, all because he had segregated significant aspects of his life and himself. Basically, he had put into separate boxes his different selves and was feeling lost. Sound familiar? I shared with him my willingness to integrate my own life, inviting him to do the same. That way, we can find some solid footing (our Self), and it will be much easier to make a decision on how to move forward because we’ll be able to see things more clearly.

I do know that I continuously experience pure contentment, fulfillment and effortlessness when I am talking, thinking, reading or writing about the experience of trying to live consciously, in communion with our best Self.

If anyone knows how that joy of mine can fill a world need, then maybe I could actually find a vocation. :)

Boxes are for Packages, Not People

Quote of the day: “The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” – M. Scott Peck

Today’s quote of the day hits me so deeply. It’s so true. The greatest movements, transitions or adventures that have happened in my short-lived “adult” life have always come out of those terribly uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled times. Here’s what I’ve realized this morning…

For years I’ve tried to be mindful (thanks Sangeetha) of my tendency to think in “all-or-nothing” terms because this process of thought feeds the insatiable beast of depression. When life becomes void of options, I become void of life. All-or-nothing thinking creates two compartments of thought—good or bad—which then create two pools of emotions—joy or sadness. To sustain a well life, I realized this thought process had to change and expand to include a whole spectrum of possibilities. That even when I feel like my back is against the wall, and there is nowhere to turn, an outlet will be made available. I might not be able to instantly see it with my own eyes, or touch it with my own hands, but somehow, some way, an option will present itself.

The irony is, spirit moves in funny ways, and I might not always “like” the option. It may not be what I had expected or anticipated. It may make me feel incredibly uncertain, but that is where the trust piece comes in. This trust is crucial. If we don’t have this sense of trust in the unknown and uncertain, then we will never feel as if we have options or possibilities. Life will reduce itself to calculated, pre-determined practicalities and we will reduce our greatness by remaining stuck in the past…for the past is the only thing in life that is known. Our future then becomes what we give attention to in the present, which is just a reoccurrence of what we know, which is the past.

Without creating room for the unknown I limit the possibilities of life to create magic, miracles or good luck.

Stay with me now. Here is what all this insight means to me in practical application terms…

I choose to bring all of me to the day job, to the night job, to relationships, to partnerships. No more compartments. No more boxes of selves. No more this Jill, that Jill, this hat, that hat. There is only one me, wearing all the hats at the same time, in the same place. All these separations of Self create rigidity, tightness, all-or-nothing thinking and total confusion. I lose the real me, and without the real me, there can be no trust in any type of uncertainty. There can be no foundation to leap off of. There can be no room for the unknown, and therefore, no room for the magic to happen.

Two more funny things happened this morning when I realized I no longer had to live with all these different selves, at different times, in different settings, with different hats on. And that I don’t have to set aside in the corner the best of me, telling her she can only come out to play when the time is right…again, that all-or-nothing thinking.

1. The miserable Jill who hates her job because she is totally and completely unfilled at work isn’t so miserable today because she isn’t alone in her misery. The joyous, hopeful, mindful, positive, loving and faith-walker Jill is also present and filling the space.

2. The stress of trying to do a variety of jobs and tasks for different people, with different purposes, all in one day, doesn’t feel so intense. It’s as if the easy-going, island girl has finally met the professional business woman and they have found a way to be friends.

Imagine that. Being ALL of you wherever you are.

Skiing for Inspiration

Quote of the day: "Winter: A white, calming renewal." - unknown

I woke up later than usual this morning. I followed my daily ritual: first, pull my knees to my chest a few times to wake up the body and back. Then, swing those legs around to the side of the bed, but before I stand up, I reposition my slippers for easy entry. Following my first step I pull aside the curtains to see what it looks like outside. Today, with great surprise, there was snow…tons of snow. It was “dumping” as they would say in the ski towns. The snow was fat, but light; soft and fluffy, yet firm. It was heaven for a ski lover.

Without hesitation, I rushed downstairs to tell my dear husband that I would be heading out for the day, as soon as humanely possible, to head to the best forest-skiing trails in the Syracuse area. (He’s so patient with me. I didn’t even ask if he had any thoughts or plans for us for the day.) He tried to point out the danger in driving 25 miles or so south, but I quickly brushed asides his concerns as if he was the crazy one. He lovingly allowed me to be me and off I went to get the coffee brewing. I called one of the best playmates and girlfriends anyone could ask for to join me, and without any hesitation on her end, she agreed. The plan: get ourselves both some coffee and then get the hell out of the house and into the woods!

So much for my day of doing house chores and completing business tasks. With snow like this, toilet bowls and emails can wait!

We made it to the forest safely. The roads weren’t nearly as bad as my husband feared. Plus, I drive a Subaru Outback, so we were in the clear. We arrived filled with joy and excitement for the adventure ahead. We put on our ski boots, pulled the skis out the car, put our last layer of clothing on and off we went into the lodge. For a full day of cross country skiing in the woods, it only cost us $3 each! Can you believe that? It costs around $50 for a few hours of downhill skiing. Off we went, into the forest…the winter wonderland.

Seven miles and two and a half hours later, we circled back to the lodge soaked in sweat, snow and sisterhood. With each mile, we calmed our minds. With each glide of the ski, we exercised our bodies. With each breath of fresh winter air, we cleansed our spirits. We were happily exhausted.

With the snow continuing to fall, we felt it was important to get home before dark because of the driving conditions. Thankfully, the roads were easy to navigate, especially with Alicia Keys serenading us. Her new album is fabulous. After a hot shower and hearty dinner, I’ve begun to tackle my to-do list, and a funny thing has happened. I’m not feeling anxious about going back to work tomorrow and all that needs to get done this week. Oddly enough, I feel centered and in control. Not the type of control that’s domineering, but that feeling of being in the driver’s seat. I no longer feel afraid of losing my Self in the tasks ahead of me. And with me being by my side, I no longer feel so lost and alone.

Thank you to the snow and the woods.

The Anatomy of Anxiety

Quote of the day: "You are what your deep, driving desire is. As you desire is, so is your will. As your will is, so is your deed. As your deed is, so is your destiny."- Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

I have been feeling some anxiety this morning because in just one more day I am heading back to work. I’ve had the past week and a half off and it has been fabulous. The anxiety is coming because my brain is starting to obsess on the many tasks I need to complete before that dreaded day of Monday.

This is a repetitive behavior of mine and it leads to procrastination because I become so riddled with the anxiety that I become paralyzed. Completing even the smallest task, such as doing the laundry, or updating our dance web site, overwhelms me.

Anxiety is like a leech. You know, that nasty, blood-sucking creature that lives in murky waters. It’s a slick, devious and sucks the life right out of me. It instantly robs my joy. I feel its heavy burdens lying firmly upon my chest. My throat begins to close, not fully, but enough to feel a difference. The muscles in my neck contract themselves into little knots. The muscles supporting my hips actually begin to tighten too. When I pay attention to my body and tell it to relax, muscles that I had no idea were even tightened begin to release…all effects of this devilish anxiety.

This year is all about taking it back—me back—and bringing me back to my life, above and beyond. So, I’ve been stewing on this conflict. I ask my Self, “Where are YOU in all of this anxiety?” The picture suddenly comes clear. There I am. Hiding in the corner, shivering, shaking, drenched with fear. As soon as the smallest requirements of life call upon me, I retreat. “Why do you do this?” I ask my Self. Within an instant, I hear the words, “I am afraid!” echo throughout my body. “But what are you so afraid of? Laundry?” I say mockingly to my Self. But it really isn’t funny, and it isn’t laundry that I am afraid of, or the responsibilities of life. It’s that I haven’t been able to bridge being my Self, the joyous person who I feel I am inside, out into the everyday activities of life. I’ve pushed her aside; thrown her in the corner; told her there isn’t a place for her in all of this, and I’ve allowed my Self to believe that is true.

I’m not looking to “find” a “solution.” What I’m looking to do is bridge that gap through my awareness of there being a separation. It is precisely through this awareness that we can begin to mend and heal, and hopefully, become the whole person so many of us desire to be.

Today I choose differently. I choose joy…irrational joy. It seems irrational to me to be joyous while doing laundry, paying bills, etc., because I never have been. These tasks have always brought me nothing but misery and stress, and I always hate the person I am doing them. If these tasks are a requirement of life, why not just change the person I am when doing these tasks? Really, why not just be me, the real me, the joyous me? Plus, I have an experiment to complete...to live life joyously, in alignment with my Self at all times, regardless of circumstance.

“So what do I do about all that anxiety?” I ask. Suddenly, I’m not so worried about it. Something tells me that the anxiety will fade as my conditioned responses to situations fade. In this moment, I see the anxiety for what it is—a helpless knee-jerk reaction to beliefs we’ve held to be true.

The Journey Begins

Quote of the day: "If you're unhappy, the thing to do is ask yourself, 'What am I choosing to believe about my life and my Self?'" - Jill Ouikahilo

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to only make choices in your life based on the desire of your heart and soul? I mean, really choosing to do what you want to do (not should do) in all areas of your life, free from the worries of money, what other people think, the economy...your rational mind?

I do. All the time, which brings me to the adventure that begins today. I have vowed to live 2010 as an experiment of destiny and faith, and to document it daily with this blog, "Irrational Joy." (I have two silver-and-black plaques hanging on the wall in my writing room that are decorated with chinese lettering for faith and destiny. They inspire me all the time). The only choices that I make this year are those which are aligned with my best self, hopes and dreams. I will no longer allow the fear of not having enough money, too many bills, health care, and so on and so on, dictate the way in which I live my life. It may be an experiment that effects my life personally, but it will be for everyone...all of us who feel there is something more to life, who believe it and know it to be so.

I'm tired of playing it safe. I need more. I want more, so much that I am no longer paralyzed by the fear of "lacking." If living more joyfully and in alignment with my true self requires big, bold and what would could be considered "foolish" decisions by others, then so be it. I have stepped on the faith walk and there is only one way to go, forward. Let us see what happens...

This year, my experiment of "Irrational Joy," is about the unwavering commitment of the human spirit to follow its bliss. It may not be pretty. It may get messy, but it will be completely and solely faith driven. I'm not talking about dogmatic faith tied up in rules, commandments, laws, etc. I'm referring to faith in the source of all creation. Faith in the source that brings forth the unseen to be seen...and for it to be documented for all to share, take part in, discuss and dialogue.

I dream about what my life would look like and feel like if I made choices based on beliefs of abundance and prosperity, coupled with feelings of joy and bliss. On the contrary, I've come to a place within my life experience that I more often find myself making choices due to my fears and beliefs of not having enough. I've recognized that this unconscious, self-defeating and debilitating thought process is creating a painful life experience. So, I have a clear choice to make.

I choose joy, unattached. Nothing rational about it.

This is an experiment and an adventure. A complete faith walk. A mystery. I really don't have any idea where I'll end up in a year from now. I could be standing in the same place that I started this journey. And if that is so, I will be satisfied and complete because it will be through the daily awareness of spirit guiding me in the world without becoming of it.

I've always heard people question the power of faith. I've questioned it myself at times, but in the core of my being, I know it is precisely the belief in faith, the unseen, the unknown, that allows life to be magical. I yearn for this magic. I've lived it before and seen its workings. It has come in and out of my life, as I have led that dance. It's always there, though, waiting to dance once again.

This blog is solely about the journey over the next 365 days. I invite you to join me. I've been journaling my inner most thoughts and feelings for the past 12 years, and now it's time for me to take it to the next level. If I ever hope to make my dream of becoming a published writer come true, I need to get myself out there...so, here I am.

Until tomorrow.

Happy New Year, 2010!