Quote of the day: “Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” -- Andre Gide, French writer, humanist and moralist, 1947 nobel prize for literature.
The greatest challenge I have with this blog does not have to do with the task of sitting still to write nearly every day. My greatest challenge is actually getting in touch with how I am feeling. I used to think I was pretty connected with how I feel, but after two months of documenting this journey, I’m not nearly as connected as I thought.
What I mean by that is I’m a go-through-the-motions type of gal. I allow myself to get pulled in 10,000 directions. My greatest asset of adaptability has become my greatest weakness. I’ve become so accustom to fitting in everywhere, doing any sort of task or assignment—from marketing to public relations to accounting to secretary—that I have no clue what I actually enjoy doing or feel good at. Sure, I find a nugget of joy in everything I do in order to keep me spiritually intact, but this journey of faith and destiny has required me to get very honest with myself, and boy, have I not been living honestly.
When you truly believe and have faith in a spirit that’s bigger than you, and that it supports you back tenfold, then it gives you the courage to be honest because there is no longer the fear of not being able to handle the truth.
My living dishonestly has gotten to the point where I actually can’t see where the lie has become the truth and the truth has become the lie.
How did I get to this point?
It all started when I left Kauai around eight years ago. I felt so confident and comfortable in my spirit that I remember thinking and feeling I could be or do anything and it wouldn’t “affect” me. After years of breaking down the attachment to and understanding of an identity, I realized I could wait on tables, sweep floors, clean houses, be an executive, own a business—whatever it was that I did, it just didn’t matter. All that mattered was who I was doing all of these tasks.
This belief freed me to experience life in a new way. I moved to New York City with tremendous excitement. I gave myself permission to experience the joys of city life. After years of living in wondrous places of natural beauty, it felt only appropriate to experience the city—its own form of beauty. Without an external identity, you can do and be anything at any time, any place.
Because of this belief, I’ve continued to do many different jobs and be many different positions…and it now feels like many different people. All of which have taught me tremendously, yet, it has caused me great confusion. I feel like I’m spinning at the top of the twister. I’m embarrassed to say, it has affected me.
Although I do still belief it’s not what we do in this world that matters, but who we are doing it, I don’t like who I am at this moment in time because it doesn’t feel like me. Maybe it’s “me” coming full circle, coming back to my Self. Maybe I’ve had to get lost all of these years in order to come back home, refocus and reconnect for a rebirth. Maybe I haven’t been lost at all; that this is just part of the discovery process.
I don’t just want to do any job or any task anymore. I don’t know what that means—if I am less evolved or more evolved. All I know is that I’m looking for the sweet spot, where the spiritual me and world me collide. After eight years of allowing myself to be and do anything, I’m looking to reposition my place in this world to maximize my natural, spirited talents. Enough already. I’m tired. I’d like to simplify.
I yearn to take my Self back in order to give it again, though hopefully in a more balanced way. Although I’ve continuously tuned up my spirit during these past eight years of free wheelin’ to get through the years, it’s now time for a new ride…and preferably a hybrid.
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