Cycles of Awakening

Quote of the day: “Live your life fom your heart. Share from your heart. And your story will touch and heal people's souls.” - Melody Beattie, author

Today feels good. The sun is out once again. The sky shines blue. And I feel myself floating beneath the noise, drama, worry and concern.

A freelance writing and editing tip within the university has come my way. Hmm, not sure if anything will pan out, but still floating.

This time last year I took a retreat to Kauai to rest and reconnect all parts of me—mind, body and spirit. The bright sun, along with the time of year, has brought back memories of the island. Today, when I was out walking on my lunch break, flashes of Hanalei Bay dashed across my inner eye. My body instantly began to remember what it felt like to pull into the town of Hanalei after being gone for seven years. It was a coming-home feeling of tremendous magnitude coupled with effortless joy and grace.

Maybe it is just because of the sun and time of year that I had such remembrances today, or maybe it is because I’m feeling more at home within myself. It is probably a combination of both, but it doesn’t really matter why.

One of the most impactful moments of self-awareness that I had on my trip last year was when I apologized over the phone to my husband for being so angry, inpatient and resentful. I kept on repeating to him, over and over, how sorry I was for my discontent playing such a destructive role in our marriage. He lovingly and patiently accepted my words of grace without giving them much energy. But that moment of clarity, when I realized I had been living as someone other than my true nature, or rather I had been attached to the “pain body” as my identity, changed everything. It brought me back to my Self. It allowed me to see the dramatic roles I had been playing in our marriage and in my life.

Now here I am, a year later, witnessing the same behaviors and feeling the same remorse. I’m thankful for the awareness, again, though I have to be honest. I’m a bit frustrated with this cycle. I can’t imagine how my husband must feel. I mean, don’t get me wrong. He’s no peach all the time, but he’s responsible for himself and I’m responsible for myself, so it serves no purpose in engaging that perspective.

I just can’t help but wonder if the cycle will ever end. Will I always end up waking up to my Self only to fall asleep again and then to wake up and then fall asleep and then wake up and then fall asleep… You get the point.

Is it possible to stay awake? How do we do it?

As soon as I wrote the above questions, immediate answers of, “Yes it is! Moment by moment, day by day, it can be done,” silently tickled my throat.

To be fair to my Self, it wasn’t a year of sleeping. I just had some naps, that’s all.

On a physical side note, since I was a kid, I’ve always loved to nap and sleep. You never had to ask me twice and it takes me about five seconds to fall asleep once my head hits the pillow. I hope this doesn’t mean I am destined to be a sleeper in spirit, as well.