Quote of the day: “As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit.” —Emmanuel Teney; Professor of Psychiatry
I can honestly say that I believe in today’s quote and my life is changing accordingly. I still have moments every day where I want the answers, the details about how my future hopes and aspirations will play out. I want to know what’s going to happen, specifically, when I leave my job…how I’m going to earn money, how I’m going to be able to afford health insurance. Yes, I still want to know all of this, but the big difference I feel in my Self now is that now I don’t NEED to know.
Why don’t I need to know? Because I’m here today, in this very moment, without ever knowing I’d be here and I still managed to get here. Basically, what I am trying to say is that I’ve never known the details of the next step and it has always worked out. It would be nice to feel a greater sense of control of my big-picture life, but that’s just fear talking, or more accurately, a lack of faith.
This year it’s all about faith. Faith is the main motivator in all of my unscripted actions. I’ve noticed recently that when I ache for that feeling of control in my life I am able to soothe it more effortlessly by remaining present and not thinking too far into the future. Again, it is in the present moment that we create our future.
Bringing it back down to earth, yesterday we had an incredible snowstorm. Nearly the entire city shut down before the end of the work day and I had the joy of receiving an early dismissal from work—you gotta love that! Just like the good ‘ole days when you’re a kid and school gets closed. We even canceled classes at the studio, so my hubby and I had the day to just be together.
In our being, we played board games, cooked dinner together, watched a movie and gave each other the attention we both needed. It’s amazing how “full” a day can feel when it is not splintered into a thousand directions.
Unfortunately, today, the performance we had scheduled for this evening has been canceled because of more severe weather to come. This is the downside of the snowy season, but I must say, the upside far outweighs it. Earning extra income tonight would have been greatly appreciated, however, yesterday’s snuggle time proved to be priceless.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Touched by an Angel
Quote of the day: “We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.” —Fredrick Koeing
I had a moment the other day when I was waiting backstage in full “African dance” costume that I recognized and appreciated out-loud to my fellow dancer what I do have. In that moment, I was earning a living from dance, which equates to earning a living from my spirit. In that moment, I was living the dream. In that moment, work was life and life was work. Everything balanced out. There was no separation.
That moment isn’t reliving itself the same way today or even tomorrow, but it was real then and the present-moment awareness of it proves to offer great strength as it still lingers today.
In February’s intention of the month, Deepak speaks to allowing the thoughts and feelings of that oh-so-better future to inspire our actions in the present moment. I love in life when we have those moments where it feels as if the future and present collide as one. It’s kind of trippy.
Today I had another “let-me-introduce-who-I-am-and-how-I-can-be-of-service” meeting with a woman in a different department within the university. This is the second of the two I had scheduled. This time I walked away feeling totally and completely inspired. Not that I didn’t feel inspired at my first meeting. They just felt very different and I felt very different going into both meetings.
The location of today’s meeting was in a recently rehabilitated warehouse in downtown Syracuse. Outside her office was a huge, window-filled conference/meeting area furnished with sleek, urban-style furniture and large, colorful posterboards on easels that displayed the various community initiatives the department was engaged in. Bright oranges, greens and yellows painted the room. It was exuberant.
When I walked into her office with red-and-orange-striped carpeting, I knew I had found a “home,” if only for a moment. Her downtown view of Syracuse awakened every cell of my body. I was invigorated.
Similar to what happened in my first meeting, once I began to explain who I was and why I wanted to meet with her, she made a number of suggestions about people I should contact. As one should do in a meeting like this, I wrote them all down very quickly. But what was so cool about this meeting was she really “saw” me. Without expressing to her some of my more private long-term dreams, she spoke directly to one of them by telling me that I should teach.
As excited as I was by her recommendation, I quickly made it clear to her how I don’t have my master’s degree (at the very least) and how I would love to do that once I did get the degree. (P.S. – On my bucket list is to teach at the college level). Much to my surprise, she scoffed at the idea of me needing to have a master’s to be an adjunct teacher. She then proceeded to tell me where I needed to teach, who I needed to talk to and how I should approach my conversation with that person. She even began to brainstorm about what I should teach and why. I absolutely loved every minute of her profiling me. She was right on target and it was exactly what I needed.
I couldn’t believe it—someone who works in a high-level position within the university validated my real-life experience and passions as worthy of teaching. Now, who knows what the actual requirements will be for me to be an adjunct teacher once I meet with who she suggested, but in this moment, I don’t care. I am just so inspired by her pushing me, telling me to dream big only after speaking with me for a few moments.
I entered the meeting by greeting her with a handshake and exited it by giving her a hug. She will forever go down in this yearly tale as one of the people who changed my tide…shifted my course…and brought me closer to who I’ve always dreamed to be. She’s become a difference maker to me on this journey, throughout this experiment, in this very moment.
Thank you, MH, for changing my life.
I had a moment the other day when I was waiting backstage in full “African dance” costume that I recognized and appreciated out-loud to my fellow dancer what I do have. In that moment, I was earning a living from dance, which equates to earning a living from my spirit. In that moment, I was living the dream. In that moment, work was life and life was work. Everything balanced out. There was no separation.
That moment isn’t reliving itself the same way today or even tomorrow, but it was real then and the present-moment awareness of it proves to offer great strength as it still lingers today.
In February’s intention of the month, Deepak speaks to allowing the thoughts and feelings of that oh-so-better future to inspire our actions in the present moment. I love in life when we have those moments where it feels as if the future and present collide as one. It’s kind of trippy.
Today I had another “let-me-introduce-who-I-am-and-how-I-can-be-of-service” meeting with a woman in a different department within the university. This is the second of the two I had scheduled. This time I walked away feeling totally and completely inspired. Not that I didn’t feel inspired at my first meeting. They just felt very different and I felt very different going into both meetings.
The location of today’s meeting was in a recently rehabilitated warehouse in downtown Syracuse. Outside her office was a huge, window-filled conference/meeting area furnished with sleek, urban-style furniture and large, colorful posterboards on easels that displayed the various community initiatives the department was engaged in. Bright oranges, greens and yellows painted the room. It was exuberant.
When I walked into her office with red-and-orange-striped carpeting, I knew I had found a “home,” if only for a moment. Her downtown view of Syracuse awakened every cell of my body. I was invigorated.
Similar to what happened in my first meeting, once I began to explain who I was and why I wanted to meet with her, she made a number of suggestions about people I should contact. As one should do in a meeting like this, I wrote them all down very quickly. But what was so cool about this meeting was she really “saw” me. Without expressing to her some of my more private long-term dreams, she spoke directly to one of them by telling me that I should teach.
As excited as I was by her recommendation, I quickly made it clear to her how I don’t have my master’s degree (at the very least) and how I would love to do that once I did get the degree. (P.S. – On my bucket list is to teach at the college level). Much to my surprise, she scoffed at the idea of me needing to have a master’s to be an adjunct teacher. She then proceeded to tell me where I needed to teach, who I needed to talk to and how I should approach my conversation with that person. She even began to brainstorm about what I should teach and why. I absolutely loved every minute of her profiling me. She was right on target and it was exactly what I needed.
I couldn’t believe it—someone who works in a high-level position within the university validated my real-life experience and passions as worthy of teaching. Now, who knows what the actual requirements will be for me to be an adjunct teacher once I meet with who she suggested, but in this moment, I don’t care. I am just so inspired by her pushing me, telling me to dream big only after speaking with me for a few moments.
I entered the meeting by greeting her with a handshake and exited it by giving her a hug. She will forever go down in this yearly tale as one of the people who changed my tide…shifted my course…and brought me closer to who I’ve always dreamed to be. She’s become a difference maker to me on this journey, throughout this experiment, in this very moment.
Thank you, MH, for changing my life.
Monday, February 22, 2010
One Hat Fits All
Quotes of the day: "My life is my message." - Mahatma Ghandi
"To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to." - Kahlil Gibran
Both of these quotes moved me deeply when I read them today. I love that on any given day a certain quote can affect you more than on another day. Each moment is different. Each day is unique. Each quote offers layers of wisdom and when we are drawn to a quote in a particular moment I believe it’s because it must speak to the layer we have just peeled or are trying to peel.
I just finished eating a banana. If only it could be that easy to peel away our layers as it is a banana.
Anyways, getting focused here, I feel like the lights have been turned on in me in a whole new way and I can’t wait to see what I find! It all started yesterday when I was at my friend Jill’s house. She lives in this beautifully open, spacious and window-filled house right on the lake in a nearby town. The backyard of her house extends towards the water and eventually stops when it meets the first of two community walking, biking, running (multipurpose) paths. Jill is an avid walker, so the location of this home is ideal for her.
In the wintertime the county doesn’t shovel one of the paths, so it becomes a decent place to cross country ski. Jill and I braved the elements yesterday, mostly the wind, snapped on our skis and off we went, sliding and gliding alongside the frozen lake. It felt fantastic to be outside, breathing in and out the cold, crisp, fresh, brisk air.
We skied out the back door of her house when we left and returned the same way. The fancy ski resorts got nothing on us :).
Afterwards, when I was getting ready to leave, I noticed a book she had lying on the banister of her stairway. Jill had just returned from a business trip to Seattle and placed on top of the stack of books was one, titled: It's Not about the Coffee: Leadership Principles from a Life at Starbucks.
Now, I love coffee, good coffee. I worked in a number of coffee shops during my twenties, mostly independently owned shops. I’ve never been a big fan of Starbucks’ coffee or their business model, which I assumed was as follows because of what I had seen first-hand: “Identify a successful local coffee shop and then open up a store right across the street from it and run it out of business.” In Syracuse, I saw this happen twice to a locally owned shop. To be honest, I have no idea of their actual business model. I don’t know if Starbucks' headquarters says to do this or not. I really don’t know, but I began to like Starbucks less and less when this happened.
Much to my surprise, when I saw this book on her banister I was instantly and excitedly intrigued. I picked it up right away and asked Jill if I could read it when she’s done. She told me to take it then because she wouldn’t be getting to it soon. Without hesitation, I placed it in my bag and off I went.
Last night, when my multiple loads of laundry were making their way into the washer and dryer, I began reading the book, and I have to say, I’m thirty something pages into it and it’s completely changing my life…the author, Howard Behar, Former president of Starbucks International, is completely changing my life.
I find myself connecting in a very powerful way to what Howard is saying. I had no idea of Starbucks’ business philosophy and what I am learning and reading so far is incredible. More importantly are the principles by which Howard lives his life, which has in turn become his work…his passion. The main message Howard is presenting over and over again in the beginning chapters of the book is: Know Who You Are—Wear ONE Hat All the Time, Every Time.
There’s so much I am relating to that I can’t write it all here. My entry would be pages and pages. It’s already getting long as it is, but I can’t emphasize how this message of his is influencing me. I’ve blogged back in January about feeling lost, confused and fatigue from wearing so many hats and by putting myself into so many different boxes. Howard speaks directly to this issue, as he once struggled with it, and affirms how we must find and wear ONE hat. With that one hat, we can do and be many things, but if we don’t know what that one hat is—who we are—then nothing else will matter and we will never feel satisfied, fulfilled or balanced. With wearing one hat, he says there is nothing to balance.
Wow. Read that again: With wearing one hat, he says there is nothing to balance.
How freeing...I feel like I can breathe better justing reading that.
Interesting enough to note, earlier in the day yesterday, before I went to Jill’s to ski, I kept wondering why I’ve been in “leadership” roles most of my life when I feel like I can barely manage life and all its stresses. I was quite baffled, actually. I couldn’t wrap my brain around why I continue to put myself in these roles when I feel like I can’t take the pressure. I even asked my husband about it.
I don’t believe it was a coincidence that this book on leadership principles caught my eye at Jill’s when I had been questioning my own leadership abilities. Because of yesterday’s reading, I’ve realized I don’t know who I am. I really don’t. I know who I’m not and Neale Donald Walsch talks about how important that is during the process of discovering who we are.
I’ve realized the reason I haven’t settled into fulfilling work in my life is precisely because I don’t know who I am. I used to think I needed to find what I am passionate about, which is only partially true. Like Howard said, once we know who we are, we find our passions. Ah, ha! I’ve been looking in the wrong place the whole time. It’s not about finding things I am passionate about. It’s about finding me.
Like I said before, there’s something special about my friend Jill. She’s like a crystal, or genie. Whatever she is, I’m so glad I have her in my life.
Another layer has been shed. If only I knew what was underneath it all. Little by little, I’m discovering it…I can discovering me.
"To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to." - Kahlil Gibran
Both of these quotes moved me deeply when I read them today. I love that on any given day a certain quote can affect you more than on another day. Each moment is different. Each day is unique. Each quote offers layers of wisdom and when we are drawn to a quote in a particular moment I believe it’s because it must speak to the layer we have just peeled or are trying to peel.
I just finished eating a banana. If only it could be that easy to peel away our layers as it is a banana.
Anyways, getting focused here, I feel like the lights have been turned on in me in a whole new way and I can’t wait to see what I find! It all started yesterday when I was at my friend Jill’s house. She lives in this beautifully open, spacious and window-filled house right on the lake in a nearby town. The backyard of her house extends towards the water and eventually stops when it meets the first of two community walking, biking, running (multipurpose) paths. Jill is an avid walker, so the location of this home is ideal for her.
In the wintertime the county doesn’t shovel one of the paths, so it becomes a decent place to cross country ski. Jill and I braved the elements yesterday, mostly the wind, snapped on our skis and off we went, sliding and gliding alongside the frozen lake. It felt fantastic to be outside, breathing in and out the cold, crisp, fresh, brisk air.
We skied out the back door of her house when we left and returned the same way. The fancy ski resorts got nothing on us :).
Afterwards, when I was getting ready to leave, I noticed a book she had lying on the banister of her stairway. Jill had just returned from a business trip to Seattle and placed on top of the stack of books was one, titled: It's Not about the Coffee: Leadership Principles from a Life at Starbucks.
Now, I love coffee, good coffee. I worked in a number of coffee shops during my twenties, mostly independently owned shops. I’ve never been a big fan of Starbucks’ coffee or their business model, which I assumed was as follows because of what I had seen first-hand: “Identify a successful local coffee shop and then open up a store right across the street from it and run it out of business.” In Syracuse, I saw this happen twice to a locally owned shop. To be honest, I have no idea of their actual business model. I don’t know if Starbucks' headquarters says to do this or not. I really don’t know, but I began to like Starbucks less and less when this happened.
Much to my surprise, when I saw this book on her banister I was instantly and excitedly intrigued. I picked it up right away and asked Jill if I could read it when she’s done. She told me to take it then because she wouldn’t be getting to it soon. Without hesitation, I placed it in my bag and off I went.
Last night, when my multiple loads of laundry were making their way into the washer and dryer, I began reading the book, and I have to say, I’m thirty something pages into it and it’s completely changing my life…the author, Howard Behar, Former president of Starbucks International, is completely changing my life.
I find myself connecting in a very powerful way to what Howard is saying. I had no idea of Starbucks’ business philosophy and what I am learning and reading so far is incredible. More importantly are the principles by which Howard lives his life, which has in turn become his work…his passion. The main message Howard is presenting over and over again in the beginning chapters of the book is: Know Who You Are—Wear ONE Hat All the Time, Every Time.
There’s so much I am relating to that I can’t write it all here. My entry would be pages and pages. It’s already getting long as it is, but I can’t emphasize how this message of his is influencing me. I’ve blogged back in January about feeling lost, confused and fatigue from wearing so many hats and by putting myself into so many different boxes. Howard speaks directly to this issue, as he once struggled with it, and affirms how we must find and wear ONE hat. With that one hat, we can do and be many things, but if we don’t know what that one hat is—who we are—then nothing else will matter and we will never feel satisfied, fulfilled or balanced. With wearing one hat, he says there is nothing to balance.
Wow. Read that again: With wearing one hat, he says there is nothing to balance.
How freeing...I feel like I can breathe better justing reading that.
Interesting enough to note, earlier in the day yesterday, before I went to Jill’s to ski, I kept wondering why I’ve been in “leadership” roles most of my life when I feel like I can barely manage life and all its stresses. I was quite baffled, actually. I couldn’t wrap my brain around why I continue to put myself in these roles when I feel like I can’t take the pressure. I even asked my husband about it.
I don’t believe it was a coincidence that this book on leadership principles caught my eye at Jill’s when I had been questioning my own leadership abilities. Because of yesterday’s reading, I’ve realized I don’t know who I am. I really don’t. I know who I’m not and Neale Donald Walsch talks about how important that is during the process of discovering who we are.
I’ve realized the reason I haven’t settled into fulfilling work in my life is precisely because I don’t know who I am. I used to think I needed to find what I am passionate about, which is only partially true. Like Howard said, once we know who we are, we find our passions. Ah, ha! I’ve been looking in the wrong place the whole time. It’s not about finding things I am passionate about. It’s about finding me.
Like I said before, there’s something special about my friend Jill. She’s like a crystal, or genie. Whatever she is, I’m so glad I have her in my life.
Another layer has been shed. If only I knew what was underneath it all. Little by little, I’m discovering it…I can discovering me.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
The Wonders of Winter
So, I’ve decided to answer my own question from Thursday’s entry—Yes, we must always feel, whether we like it or not. We can try to avoid feeling the feeling that we’re feeling, but eventually, at some point, we will end up having to feel it. Sooner or later, we must feel it in order to move forward.
Our ability to feel varies with each of us; our sensitivities are unique. We’re layered beings. Some of us try to peel the layers. Some try to tear the layers. Some try to keep the layers while still trying to get to the core. Regardless, whether we know it or not, we’re all trying to get to the core. Trying to find or be our Self.
This is why I love the ocean. Basking in the warm water, sun and salt helps to melt away layers, slowly and softly. Oh, how I yearn for Kauai.
But the season outside of me looks different than my daydream of Hawaii’s tropics. The sky reflects the white, silver and grey glisten of the snow; the air stands frozen into sharp, slippery icicles. We seem to add more layers during this season, in more ways than one, but eventually, we will uncover them, discovering what we've been covering the whole time.
Winter’s wisdom is difficult to bear, but proves fruitful in due time. It teaches us patience, reflection and stillness. It serves a great purpose.
…The wonders of winter…
Our ability to feel varies with each of us; our sensitivities are unique. We’re layered beings. Some of us try to peel the layers. Some try to tear the layers. Some try to keep the layers while still trying to get to the core. Regardless, whether we know it or not, we’re all trying to get to the core. Trying to find or be our Self.
This is why I love the ocean. Basking in the warm water, sun and salt helps to melt away layers, slowly and softly. Oh, how I yearn for Kauai.
But the season outside of me looks different than my daydream of Hawaii’s tropics. The sky reflects the white, silver and grey glisten of the snow; the air stands frozen into sharp, slippery icicles. We seem to add more layers during this season, in more ways than one, but eventually, we will uncover them, discovering what we've been covering the whole time.
Winter’s wisdom is difficult to bear, but proves fruitful in due time. It teaches us patience, reflection and stillness. It serves a great purpose.
…The wonders of winter…
Thursday, February 18, 2010
In Attendance
Quote of the day: “There is not a moment when I do not feel the presence of a Witness whose eye misses nothing and with whom I strive to keep in tune.” - Mahatman Gandhi
In an odd way I feel very connected to today’s quote. I use the word “odd” because it’s hard to imagine myself feeling a level of self-awareness that relates to Gandhi’s, for he is an ultimate…an authentic master. However, I get what he’s saying.
Today, I didn’t want to blog. I haven’t felt very connected all day. I’ve been forcing myself each and every minute to wake up, pay attention and stay present. Again, this is a common occurrence by Thursday of my current work week. It’s the fatigue setting in. So, I didn’t want to blog because I didn’t feel like I had anything to say except for, “I’m tired.”
When trying to connect during moments of such fatigue, it's necessary for me to work through the fatigue to be able to connect, if that makes any sense. So, in essence, I must really feel it to get through it, and some days, I'd much rather not feel it at all. I'd rather just live in survival mode and push through. But to write, I must connect, and to connect, I must feel.
Must we always feel?
There has been this “witness” lingering around me, watching me with silence. It doesn’t need to speak because I already know what will be said. It’s a feeling of accountability.
So I fully feel and understand what Gandhi is saying here. The witness is “me” watching me. I do strive to keep in tune. Even on my most tired days I still feel its presence, and I’m here today, showing up, faint and all.
In an odd way I feel very connected to today’s quote. I use the word “odd” because it’s hard to imagine myself feeling a level of self-awareness that relates to Gandhi’s, for he is an ultimate…an authentic master. However, I get what he’s saying.
Today, I didn’t want to blog. I haven’t felt very connected all day. I’ve been forcing myself each and every minute to wake up, pay attention and stay present. Again, this is a common occurrence by Thursday of my current work week. It’s the fatigue setting in. So, I didn’t want to blog because I didn’t feel like I had anything to say except for, “I’m tired.”
When trying to connect during moments of such fatigue, it's necessary for me to work through the fatigue to be able to connect, if that makes any sense. So, in essence, I must really feel it to get through it, and some days, I'd much rather not feel it at all. I'd rather just live in survival mode and push through. But to write, I must connect, and to connect, I must feel.
Must we always feel?
There has been this “witness” lingering around me, watching me with silence. It doesn’t need to speak because I already know what will be said. It’s a feeling of accountability.
So I fully feel and understand what Gandhi is saying here. The witness is “me” watching me. I do strive to keep in tune. Even on my most tired days I still feel its presence, and I’m here today, showing up, faint and all.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Dream a Little Dream
I can’t help but to comment on this today. I’m a big fan of paying attention to the dreams we have when we sleep. I love dreaming. I love to do it during the day, but I also love to remember what happened during the night. Last night, however, I had terrible dreams. I was suffering.
My husband and I always share our dreams when we first wake up or later in the day whenever they come to us. He’s big into dream interpretation, but his scope is limited and mostly centers on interpretations relating to African culture.
As the morning sun rose to its usual wake-up time, I turned towards my hubby, still with my eyes shut, to tell him that I had terrible dreams about him cheating on me. I actually woke up at one point during the dream state and said out loud, “Jeez, enough already!” because I was so fed up with the despair that I was feeling in the dream.
As only my husband can do, he gave me a big squeeze and a chuckle, and said that he was sorry I suffered so much last night.
We both knew the dream wasn’t really about him cheating or lying or anything like that, but neither he nor I had suggestions as to what it could have been about. So, I turned to my handy online resource for dream interpretation http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary and have come across a very interesting explanation of “cheating” in a dream. The part that resonates with me is:
Yes, that totally makes sense. After being able to get in touch with my feelings yesterday when writing my blog, I get why I dreamt that last night. You see, part of the emotional tornado we had gotten caught up in was me feeling like he didn’t “see” me and I felt completely abandoned. That was the feeling that lingered for days. That was the feeling I shed tears over. It was abandonment, deep down inside, so deep that you can’t touch it. It’s endless.
Interesting enough, in my dream I cried and cried over me leaving him because of his cheating. In my dream I felt totally and completely abandoned—hollow to the core. It was incredibly painful.
So, what’s the point of all this interpretation? For me, it’s an opportunity to learn and grow. It has become clearer to me how my own insecurity of my Self has put an enormous amount of pressure on my husband to make up the difference. And, if and when he doesn’t, my emotional Self spirals out of control.
I have always felt secure in his love for me, but I haven’t always felt secure in my love for my Self. Honestly, I’m continuing to know my Self, so I don’t see how I could expect him to “know” me in advance.
To end with words from the poem "Invictus" by William Henley:
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
My husband and I always share our dreams when we first wake up or later in the day whenever they come to us. He’s big into dream interpretation, but his scope is limited and mostly centers on interpretations relating to African culture.
As the morning sun rose to its usual wake-up time, I turned towards my hubby, still with my eyes shut, to tell him that I had terrible dreams about him cheating on me. I actually woke up at one point during the dream state and said out loud, “Jeez, enough already!” because I was so fed up with the despair that I was feeling in the dream.
As only my husband can do, he gave me a big squeeze and a chuckle, and said that he was sorry I suffered so much last night.
We both knew the dream wasn’t really about him cheating or lying or anything like that, but neither he nor I had suggestions as to what it could have been about. So, I turned to my handy online resource for dream interpretation http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary and have come across a very interesting explanation of “cheating” in a dream. The part that resonates with me is:
To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you, indicates your fears of being abandoned.
Yes, that totally makes sense. After being able to get in touch with my feelings yesterday when writing my blog, I get why I dreamt that last night. You see, part of the emotional tornado we had gotten caught up in was me feeling like he didn’t “see” me and I felt completely abandoned. That was the feeling that lingered for days. That was the feeling I shed tears over. It was abandonment, deep down inside, so deep that you can’t touch it. It’s endless.
Interesting enough, in my dream I cried and cried over me leaving him because of his cheating. In my dream I felt totally and completely abandoned—hollow to the core. It was incredibly painful.
So, what’s the point of all this interpretation? For me, it’s an opportunity to learn and grow. It has become clearer to me how my own insecurity of my Self has put an enormous amount of pressure on my husband to make up the difference. And, if and when he doesn’t, my emotional Self spirals out of control.
I have always felt secure in his love for me, but I haven’t always felt secure in my love for my Self. Honestly, I’m continuing to know my Self, so I don’t see how I could expect him to “know” me in advance.
To end with words from the poem "Invictus" by William Henley:
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Wild, Wild West
Quote of the day: “Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” —Oprah Winfrey; television host, actress, philanthropist
Today I’m getting back in the saddle. I’ve never owned a horse or lived on a ranch, but I’ve ridden horses and been on a ranch, and the feeling of both invokes strength and freedom. Today, I’m ready to ride again. I’m ready to feel the joy, any joy, for that matter. Even though the last few days had been pretty tough emotionally, the joy still managed to find a seat, although it was wayyyyyyy in the back. It’s now sitting more in the middle row.
Whew, what an intense few days. It all started off with the meeting I had with another department within the university. Nothing earth shattering happened at the meeting, but it went well. The person I met with basically runs an entire “school” on campus and works on various campus initiatives that greatly interest me. It was very, very kind of him to meet with me. He was incredibly gracious and basically just let me divulge my passions and interests in serving the university in a new capacity. He offered some words of wisdom, which I will follow up on, but the meeting was more about me simply introducing myself and letting him know who I am.
Even though I may be simplifying it, this was a huge deal for me. I’ve had meetings with plenty of people I didn’t know before, but this was completely different. I had never asked for someone’s time to discuss my passions and how I think they could be of service to that person. I was totally out of my comfort zone. Afterwards, I walked over to the beautiful chapel on campus, which houses a student-run, non-profit coffee house on the bottom floor (very cool) and purchased for $1.00 a large cup of coffee (imagine that). Once I secured the lid after giving it a quick taste to make sure there was enough cream in it, I walked up the stairs, entered the church and sat in the back pew.
Immediately I closed my eyes, slouched in position and began to feel my nerves still getting the best of me. For someone who has done a fair amount of public speaking with ease, this was all new to me. I did my best to not attach to the judgments that were running through my head. I consciously allowed them to flow…out of me. I soaked in the silence of the space and wrapped my vulnerable Self in the majesty that filled the air. I felt protected and safe. It was because of my spirited meditations that I was inspired to ask for the meeting in the first place, so it was perfect for me to conclude the day in such a space…in communion with God.
Then, just like that, I found myself over the next two days having two more meetings with people not at all affiliated with the university, but involved in other works I am interested in. They were just conversations, again, but they came out of my commitment to Irrational Joy—connecting with my thoughts, feelings, hopes and desires—faith and destiny.
It was just a week or so ago that I was hanging out with my dear friend Jill, sharing with her some of these new creative thoughts and ideas I had for work. Jill is one of my best friends from childhood. We grew up together, yes, Jill and Jill, but we lost touch for some years during college and post college. Even though we weren’t connected, per say, we still remained connected. Over the past few years our friendship has grown above and beyond our childhood kinship. She is a soul sister… a creative incubator… a dream catcher and supporter… She rocks.
For some reason it feels like the ideas I share with Jill seem to come to fruition. It’s like she has some special power. It’s actually very cool.
Anyways, it was after sharing these ideas with Jill that I suddenly found myself “acting” on them all in one week. Yikes!
Plus, tied in with these three significant events for me was a huge emotional tornado my dear husband and I got caught up in. Ugh. Thankfully, with the grace, love and understanding, we’ve found our footing.
There was a lot of energy surrounding all of these situations and at one point I felt like I was riding a wild horse, fast and furious in the open field, until suddenly, *POW*! I hit a tree.
So, I guess the moral of today’s blog entry is, “Always wear a helmet after you hang out with Jill.” (love ya, girlfriend, sooooo just kidding).
Today I’m getting back in the saddle. I’ve never owned a horse or lived on a ranch, but I’ve ridden horses and been on a ranch, and the feeling of both invokes strength and freedom. Today, I’m ready to ride again. I’m ready to feel the joy, any joy, for that matter. Even though the last few days had been pretty tough emotionally, the joy still managed to find a seat, although it was wayyyyyyy in the back. It’s now sitting more in the middle row.
Whew, what an intense few days. It all started off with the meeting I had with another department within the university. Nothing earth shattering happened at the meeting, but it went well. The person I met with basically runs an entire “school” on campus and works on various campus initiatives that greatly interest me. It was very, very kind of him to meet with me. He was incredibly gracious and basically just let me divulge my passions and interests in serving the university in a new capacity. He offered some words of wisdom, which I will follow up on, but the meeting was more about me simply introducing myself and letting him know who I am.
Even though I may be simplifying it, this was a huge deal for me. I’ve had meetings with plenty of people I didn’t know before, but this was completely different. I had never asked for someone’s time to discuss my passions and how I think they could be of service to that person. I was totally out of my comfort zone. Afterwards, I walked over to the beautiful chapel on campus, which houses a student-run, non-profit coffee house on the bottom floor (very cool) and purchased for $1.00 a large cup of coffee (imagine that). Once I secured the lid after giving it a quick taste to make sure there was enough cream in it, I walked up the stairs, entered the church and sat in the back pew.
Immediately I closed my eyes, slouched in position and began to feel my nerves still getting the best of me. For someone who has done a fair amount of public speaking with ease, this was all new to me. I did my best to not attach to the judgments that were running through my head. I consciously allowed them to flow…out of me. I soaked in the silence of the space and wrapped my vulnerable Self in the majesty that filled the air. I felt protected and safe. It was because of my spirited meditations that I was inspired to ask for the meeting in the first place, so it was perfect for me to conclude the day in such a space…in communion with God.
Then, just like that, I found myself over the next two days having two more meetings with people not at all affiliated with the university, but involved in other works I am interested in. They were just conversations, again, but they came out of my commitment to Irrational Joy—connecting with my thoughts, feelings, hopes and desires—faith and destiny.
It was just a week or so ago that I was hanging out with my dear friend Jill, sharing with her some of these new creative thoughts and ideas I had for work. Jill is one of my best friends from childhood. We grew up together, yes, Jill and Jill, but we lost touch for some years during college and post college. Even though we weren’t connected, per say, we still remained connected. Over the past few years our friendship has grown above and beyond our childhood kinship. She is a soul sister… a creative incubator… a dream catcher and supporter… She rocks.
For some reason it feels like the ideas I share with Jill seem to come to fruition. It’s like she has some special power. It’s actually very cool.
Anyways, it was after sharing these ideas with Jill that I suddenly found myself “acting” on them all in one week. Yikes!
Plus, tied in with these three significant events for me was a huge emotional tornado my dear husband and I got caught up in. Ugh. Thankfully, with the grace, love and understanding, we’ve found our footing.
There was a lot of energy surrounding all of these situations and at one point I felt like I was riding a wild horse, fast and furious in the open field, until suddenly, *POW*! I hit a tree.
So, I guess the moral of today’s blog entry is, “Always wear a helmet after you hang out with Jill.” (love ya, girlfriend, sooooo just kidding).
Saturday, February 13, 2010
X-Ray Vision
Quote of the day: “Sad are only those who understand” - Arab Proverb
The feeling I was stuck in this weekend has subsided a bit. I am slightly removed from the tornado I was spinning in. Do you ever have those days where you are saturated with some feeling in your body? You know, totally absorbed with heaviness?
Writing is usually something I do to help me process...to get in touch with my feelings...to connect. I have been so in the feeling, I haven't been able to process it--meaning, I haven't been able to write. Reflection is key for me, always.
To be able to reflect, to see yourself clearly in front of you, brings present-moment awareness and personal understanding. Time and breathing space always helps.
My reflection is still quite shallow since I am only moments away from the sadness I felt. The surface of the sadness had to do with feeling unseen by a loved one. It’s an awful feeling to have to fight for the person you love to see you, to know you, as you see and know your Self. When this disconnect happened, it felt like the life was sucked out of me.
Today was the first day I’ve exercised in three days. That’s a long time for me. I’m not saying I exert myself with intensity every day, but I usually do some form of movement. The sadness had drained me that much.
I trust in the next few days I am going to have a better understanding of why I was so upset and what I am to learn from it. The only little bit of insight I have today is that I have continued to allow the people who I love in my life influence me with their limitations of life, love, and my Self. I have fallen victim to their energies, fears and expectations on an intensely deep level because the exertion of sadness and rejection I felt when it appeared my loved one didn’t “see” me initiated loud belly cries where my head still hurts today, three days later.
Why is it so important to feel seen by the person you love?
I need to stew on this a bit…more to come.
The feeling I was stuck in this weekend has subsided a bit. I am slightly removed from the tornado I was spinning in. Do you ever have those days where you are saturated with some feeling in your body? You know, totally absorbed with heaviness?
Writing is usually something I do to help me process...to get in touch with my feelings...to connect. I have been so in the feeling, I haven't been able to process it--meaning, I haven't been able to write. Reflection is key for me, always.
To be able to reflect, to see yourself clearly in front of you, brings present-moment awareness and personal understanding. Time and breathing space always helps.
My reflection is still quite shallow since I am only moments away from the sadness I felt. The surface of the sadness had to do with feeling unseen by a loved one. It’s an awful feeling to have to fight for the person you love to see you, to know you, as you see and know your Self. When this disconnect happened, it felt like the life was sucked out of me.
Today was the first day I’ve exercised in three days. That’s a long time for me. I’m not saying I exert myself with intensity every day, but I usually do some form of movement. The sadness had drained me that much.
I trust in the next few days I am going to have a better understanding of why I was so upset and what I am to learn from it. The only little bit of insight I have today is that I have continued to allow the people who I love in my life influence me with their limitations of life, love, and my Self. I have fallen victim to their energies, fears and expectations on an intensely deep level because the exertion of sadness and rejection I felt when it appeared my loved one didn’t “see” me initiated loud belly cries where my head still hurts today, three days later.
Why is it so important to feel seen by the person you love?
I need to stew on this a bit…more to come.
Mumbo Jumbo
It’s been an intense few days on so many different levels. I haven’t been able to write because I haven’t been able to connect with how I am feeling. When I am feeling strong emotions, I need to be able to process them—meaning have time and space to check in with them and see what they are all about. That is what writing has always been for me. I began writing as a way to express my thoughts and feelings. Just like with dance, it began as a way to express my feelings. Now they both are becoming so much more. They are becoming an art form for me…my art.
I still don’t know how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. I’m a bit baffled … bewildered … confused. I’m just stuck in it, whatever it is. Do we always have to be feeling “something,” a specific “emotion,” or is it possible for us just to be feeling, period. I’m feeling today. I don’t know what emotion it is or if it is just one because I’m experiencing joy, sadness, inspiration, hope, beauty, pain, sorrow…all of it. I feel it all right now, every emotion. That’s what I feel—everything.
Don’t think too much about it right now. Feel it, without judgment, being present—as is. No thoughts. No meanings. No meanings.
Life.
Breath.
Present.
P.S. -- The meeting went very well...needing to process to comment...but went well...
I still don’t know how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. I’m a bit baffled … bewildered … confused. I’m just stuck in it, whatever it is. Do we always have to be feeling “something,” a specific “emotion,” or is it possible for us just to be feeling, period. I’m feeling today. I don’t know what emotion it is or if it is just one because I’m experiencing joy, sadness, inspiration, hope, beauty, pain, sorrow…all of it. I feel it all right now, every emotion. That’s what I feel—everything.
Don’t think too much about it right now. Feel it, without judgment, being present—as is. No thoughts. No meanings. No meanings.
Life.
Breath.
Present.
P.S. -- The meeting went very well...needing to process to comment...but went well...
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Unchartered Waters
Quote of the day: "“Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So... get on your way.”—Theodor "Dr. Seuss" Geisel; Writer, Cartoonist
What a timely quote for me.
I’m getting on my way today and I’ve begun the ascent. The trail up the mountain is non-blazed territory. The brush is thick, sharp and sticky, but I’m finding my way as I go. My machete is my belief in a God who believes in me. The first rest stop is schedule for 4 p.m. when I meet with another department within the University.
The person I’m meeting with doesn’t know me. I don’t know him. It was recommended by the women I interviewed with a few weeks back that I connect with him because of my passions and aspirations. Maybe, just maybe, today’s meeting will point me in the direction of the peak. Maybe it will shorten my path to the top. Maybe it will direct me back the way I came. Regardless, some form of movement will occur and I LOVE movement.
I’m nervous. I’ve never approached my career this way. I am usually much more reactive to the jobs field. You now, look for job postings online and in the paper, applying and then hoping for a formal interview. I’ve always tried to fit me into all the positions I’ve had or applied to.
I believe each job I’ve had has been exactly what I needed at the time, and now, at this juncture in my life, I feel that process can no longer serve me, which essentially can no longer serve the world because what good am I to the world if I am not utilizing “me.” If “me” comes from God, then by all means, there must be value and purpose in what is “me.” Now, I’m trying something new. I’m approaching my career by searching the job postings within my soul and then looking externally for opportunities to serve out these passions.
I’m nervous. Did I say that already?
I thought I wouldn’t have time today to post on my blog. I thought I would need to use every extra minute I have to prep for the meeting. Although I have spent some time prepping, I realized I needed to post. I needed to exhale and find my voice. I’m so thankful I did. I’ve come home.
I trust in me. I trust in God’s trust in me. I love life. I love others. I love my ability to feel and care. I love my passions. I believe there’s value to these passions. And most importantly, I believe I am here to serve—to give—in concert with these passions.
I am asking today to be of service…not to be served.
Wish me well. I’ll comment in tomorrow’s posting on the meeting.
What a timely quote for me.
I’m getting on my way today and I’ve begun the ascent. The trail up the mountain is non-blazed territory. The brush is thick, sharp and sticky, but I’m finding my way as I go. My machete is my belief in a God who believes in me. The first rest stop is schedule for 4 p.m. when I meet with another department within the University.
The person I’m meeting with doesn’t know me. I don’t know him. It was recommended by the women I interviewed with a few weeks back that I connect with him because of my passions and aspirations. Maybe, just maybe, today’s meeting will point me in the direction of the peak. Maybe it will shorten my path to the top. Maybe it will direct me back the way I came. Regardless, some form of movement will occur and I LOVE movement.
I’m nervous. I’ve never approached my career this way. I am usually much more reactive to the jobs field. You now, look for job postings online and in the paper, applying and then hoping for a formal interview. I’ve always tried to fit me into all the positions I’ve had or applied to.
I believe each job I’ve had has been exactly what I needed at the time, and now, at this juncture in my life, I feel that process can no longer serve me, which essentially can no longer serve the world because what good am I to the world if I am not utilizing “me.” If “me” comes from God, then by all means, there must be value and purpose in what is “me.” Now, I’m trying something new. I’m approaching my career by searching the job postings within my soul and then looking externally for opportunities to serve out these passions.
I’m nervous. Did I say that already?
I thought I wouldn’t have time today to post on my blog. I thought I would need to use every extra minute I have to prep for the meeting. Although I have spent some time prepping, I realized I needed to post. I needed to exhale and find my voice. I’m so thankful I did. I’ve come home.
I trust in me. I trust in God’s trust in me. I love life. I love others. I love my ability to feel and care. I love my passions. I believe there’s value to these passions. And most importantly, I believe I am here to serve—to give—in concert with these passions.
I am asking today to be of service…not to be served.
Wish me well. I’ll comment in tomorrow’s posting on the meeting.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Coming Home
Nearly a year ago I ventured to my spiritual home on this earth, Kauai. Anyone who knows me personally knows how important Kauai is to me, including my husband, which is why he so graciously supported my solo retreat to the island.
It was during this time last year that we were struggling with the city’s bureaucrats to acquire the necessary paperwork in order to begin renovating the vacant, dilapidated garage into our dance center. What should have taken two weeks to process took more than five months. Tensions were also high with our landlord, and since I am the person responsible for communicating with all the city officials and the landlord, I was completely overwhelmed.
So much of the situation was out of my control and that tortured me. Each time we thought we were about to move forward, we’d take a step back. I was forced to abandon my handy project timeline. It was getting through this process that I really began to understand the importance of “detachment.”
The stress and strain wore terribly on my spirit. It had been seven years since I left Kauai. I lived there for one year and it was the most amazing year of my life. It was the pinnacle of my spiritual quest that began during my junior year in college. When I left the island I honestly believed I would return within the year for a spiritual tune-up, but life seemed to get in the way. Returning home to the island last year was significant.
Before I left my dear friend Jill gave me a card with this poem on it. It meant everything to me during that time, and it still pulls at my heart strings every time I read it. I have it pinned up on the cubicle I sit in where I waste time every day. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
whenever we become discouraged, let us close our eyes and remember at time when we were not afraid to dream…
when we were small, we were all great artists, graceful dancers, storytellers. We composed songs, created paintings, and imagined great adventures.
we didn’t think about it too much—we just made things up as we went along, improvising whenever we got stuck…
and I want to remind you that even though you’re a “grown-up” now, you are still a creator at heart, an improviser, and inventor who can make beautiful things out of whatever life hands you.
whatever you dream, whatever you hope to achieve in your life, all you have to do is remember to trust your heart…
and trust that the answers have been a part of you all along.
- Jennifer Nomura
Quote of the day: “The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” —Bertrand Russell; Philosopher, Mathematician
It was during this time last year that we were struggling with the city’s bureaucrats to acquire the necessary paperwork in order to begin renovating the vacant, dilapidated garage into our dance center. What should have taken two weeks to process took more than five months. Tensions were also high with our landlord, and since I am the person responsible for communicating with all the city officials and the landlord, I was completely overwhelmed.
So much of the situation was out of my control and that tortured me. Each time we thought we were about to move forward, we’d take a step back. I was forced to abandon my handy project timeline. It was getting through this process that I really began to understand the importance of “detachment.”
The stress and strain wore terribly on my spirit. It had been seven years since I left Kauai. I lived there for one year and it was the most amazing year of my life. It was the pinnacle of my spiritual quest that began during my junior year in college. When I left the island I honestly believed I would return within the year for a spiritual tune-up, but life seemed to get in the way. Returning home to the island last year was significant.
Before I left my dear friend Jill gave me a card with this poem on it. It meant everything to me during that time, and it still pulls at my heart strings every time I read it. I have it pinned up on the cubicle I sit in where I waste time every day. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
whenever we become discouraged, let us close our eyes and remember at time when we were not afraid to dream…
when we were small, we were all great artists, graceful dancers, storytellers. We composed songs, created paintings, and imagined great adventures.
we didn’t think about it too much—we just made things up as we went along, improvising whenever we got stuck…
and I want to remind you that even though you’re a “grown-up” now, you are still a creator at heart, an improviser, and inventor who can make beautiful things out of whatever life hands you.
whatever you dream, whatever you hope to achieve in your life, all you have to do is remember to trust your heart…
and trust that the answers have been a part of you all along.
- Jennifer Nomura
Quote of the day: “The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” —Bertrand Russell; Philosopher, Mathematician
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Filling Up on God
There has been a shift in me since my Friday awakenings. The days have felt very different. I feel very different. I feel at ease.
I guess this is what life feels like when you believe in a God who believes in you and when you believe in the truth that our needs are always met; that we need nothing but our relationship with God; that the relationship IS the answer to all our fears, doubts and concerns.
It’s as if the tightness in my chest has lifted. The fatigue of spirit has drifted away. The timeline I’ve created to make changes in my professional life no longer feels like a ticking bomb. It all feels like an adventure, and is.
I’m more present and am not feeling so tortured by the present because I’ve changed on the inside, which I know is putting into motion changes on the outside. Wait and hope, right? Believing in my needs being met because they always have been, I’ve opened my Self up to multiple possibilities. I’m arranging meetings with people I don’t know, but whose ideas I am passionate about. I’m following up on creative thoughts and feelings. I’m seeing clearly how I am capable of being prosperous while living creatively—that it is no longer something that happens to “other” people. I’m now seeing how it can happen to me. I’m believing in me because I have the support of God.
Here is what has shifted in my mind since I’ve come to believe that God believes in me.
1). I’m no longer alone.
2). There is nothing to fear.
3). I don’t have to figure anything out—just need to act on creative thoughts, urges and desires. After that, wait and hope, then be inspired on what to do next.
4). The possibilities are endless.
It’s hard to explain in words this shift. I’m a bit befuddled as to how I didn’t get this before, but it makes total sense of my recent fear to take risks. When I was younger and had only myself to worry about, the fear didn’t exist. It wasn’t because I believed that God believed in me, it was more about me searching for a God, period. Through the search I came to have an unwavering belief in God, though I have continued to build a relationship based on proving God exists—hence the purpose of this blog. My thought was if I could document the changes that occurred in my life over this next year through a commitment to believing in God, then I would have the ultimate proof of God’s existence. Meaning, that this time, with this proof, well, then, God would feel and be more real than ever.
In just five weeks on this journey, I’ve realized this documentation isn’t to prove God’s existence, but to show the process of having a daily relationship with God and how it changes the course of life—allowing us to become that which we have always dreamed of. For a “real” relationship to exist both parties must give to each other and trust each other. I’ve continuously given time to God through my thoughts, prayers and words, to strengthen my belief. I thought by strengthening my belief I would be able to find God, touch God, feel God, as if God hasn’t always been here, with me.
What I’ve realized is I can continue to strengthen my belief in God all I want, but it will only fill half the void. God’s belief in me, and my knowing of that, is what’s required to fill the other half. Then, the relationship is whole. Then, I am a balanced human and spirit, walking this journey.
Quote of the day: “It always seems impossible until it’s done.” —Nelson Mandela; former President of South Africa
I guess this is what life feels like when you believe in a God who believes in you and when you believe in the truth that our needs are always met; that we need nothing but our relationship with God; that the relationship IS the answer to all our fears, doubts and concerns.
It’s as if the tightness in my chest has lifted. The fatigue of spirit has drifted away. The timeline I’ve created to make changes in my professional life no longer feels like a ticking bomb. It all feels like an adventure, and is.
I’m more present and am not feeling so tortured by the present because I’ve changed on the inside, which I know is putting into motion changes on the outside. Wait and hope, right? Believing in my needs being met because they always have been, I’ve opened my Self up to multiple possibilities. I’m arranging meetings with people I don’t know, but whose ideas I am passionate about. I’m following up on creative thoughts and feelings. I’m seeing clearly how I am capable of being prosperous while living creatively—that it is no longer something that happens to “other” people. I’m now seeing how it can happen to me. I’m believing in me because I have the support of God.
Here is what has shifted in my mind since I’ve come to believe that God believes in me.
1). I’m no longer alone.
2). There is nothing to fear.
3). I don’t have to figure anything out—just need to act on creative thoughts, urges and desires. After that, wait and hope, then be inspired on what to do next.
4). The possibilities are endless.
It’s hard to explain in words this shift. I’m a bit befuddled as to how I didn’t get this before, but it makes total sense of my recent fear to take risks. When I was younger and had only myself to worry about, the fear didn’t exist. It wasn’t because I believed that God believed in me, it was more about me searching for a God, period. Through the search I came to have an unwavering belief in God, though I have continued to build a relationship based on proving God exists—hence the purpose of this blog. My thought was if I could document the changes that occurred in my life over this next year through a commitment to believing in God, then I would have the ultimate proof of God’s existence. Meaning, that this time, with this proof, well, then, God would feel and be more real than ever.
In just five weeks on this journey, I’ve realized this documentation isn’t to prove God’s existence, but to show the process of having a daily relationship with God and how it changes the course of life—allowing us to become that which we have always dreamed of. For a “real” relationship to exist both parties must give to each other and trust each other. I’ve continuously given time to God through my thoughts, prayers and words, to strengthen my belief. I thought by strengthening my belief I would be able to find God, touch God, feel God, as if God hasn’t always been here, with me.
What I’ve realized is I can continue to strengthen my belief in God all I want, but it will only fill half the void. God’s belief in me, and my knowing of that, is what’s required to fill the other half. Then, the relationship is whole. Then, I am a balanced human and spirit, walking this journey.
Quote of the day: “It always seems impossible until it’s done.” —Nelson Mandela; former President of South Africa
Monday, February 8, 2010
Wait and Hope
Quote of the day: “All human wisdom is summed up in two words; wait and hope.” —Alexandre Dumas; Writer
I wholeheartedly believe in today’s quote. If my life was a song, the statement “wait and hope” would be the chorus. Try singing it…wait and hope, bump bump bump, wait and hope, bump bump bump, wait and hope, bump bump bump bump…
I wait for the right time to act. I hope for the best to happen.
In continuing my study of the Illusion of Need, I experienced a bit of déjà vu. In understanding the illusion and realizing we have nothing to fear, we then have nothing to be afraid of. With nothing to be afraid of we become fearless. Then, everything becomes an adventure.
In that moment, I remembered journaling something about how life used to feel like an adventure to me. I flipped only a few pages back and there it was, written in my temperamental handwriting: Life IS an adventure!
When writing this I wasn’t consciously thinking about how all my needs are met and that there is nothing to fear. I was thinking more along the lines of me wanting to break free from the monotony of life, to take risks and let life show me what to do. I was needing change…spontaneity…excitement.
But what I see now is underneath my need for change was a yearning to live fearlessly and in confidence that all my needs will be met, regardless of the situation. This would be described by Neale Donald Walsch as using the illusion for its intended purpose to experience that which you truly are. And then, we are to become that which we have always dreamed of.
Imagine that. Becoming what you dream yourself to be?
The challenge always lies in not falling to the belief that the illusion is true: that all my needs will NOT be met; that I SHOULD be afraid.
I used to feel as if it was so risky and daring to trust in God, or the Universe, or whatever higher power there is, and that all my needs will be met. Now, I don’t see why they wouldn’t be met. I believe in God and I believe God believes in me. So, I should be all set, right?
Let’s wait and hope.
I wholeheartedly believe in today’s quote. If my life was a song, the statement “wait and hope” would be the chorus. Try singing it…wait and hope, bump bump bump, wait and hope, bump bump bump, wait and hope, bump bump bump bump…
I wait for the right time to act. I hope for the best to happen.
In continuing my study of the Illusion of Need, I experienced a bit of déjà vu. In understanding the illusion and realizing we have nothing to fear, we then have nothing to be afraid of. With nothing to be afraid of we become fearless. Then, everything becomes an adventure.
In that moment, I remembered journaling something about how life used to feel like an adventure to me. I flipped only a few pages back and there it was, written in my temperamental handwriting: Life IS an adventure!
When writing this I wasn’t consciously thinking about how all my needs are met and that there is nothing to fear. I was thinking more along the lines of me wanting to break free from the monotony of life, to take risks and let life show me what to do. I was needing change…spontaneity…excitement.
But what I see now is underneath my need for change was a yearning to live fearlessly and in confidence that all my needs will be met, regardless of the situation. This would be described by Neale Donald Walsch as using the illusion for its intended purpose to experience that which you truly are. And then, we are to become that which we have always dreamed of.
Imagine that. Becoming what you dream yourself to be?
The challenge always lies in not falling to the belief that the illusion is true: that all my needs will NOT be met; that I SHOULD be afraid.
I used to feel as if it was so risky and daring to trust in God, or the Universe, or whatever higher power there is, and that all my needs will be met. Now, I don’t see why they wouldn’t be met. I believe in God and I believe God believes in me. So, I should be all set, right?
Let’s wait and hope.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Freaky Friday
Quote of the day: "Most people believe in God, they just don't believe in a God who believes in them." - Neale Donald Walsch
Friday's day of rest was spectacular.
It started off with a sleep-in. T0 put it in the sweet words of my husband, who rises each morning by giving me a kiss, "I don't want to see you downstairs at 8 a.m."
I rose at 9 a.m. It's funny how our concept of "sleeping in" changes as we age. When we're teenagers, we can sleep until noon. When we're college students, we can sleep until 2 p.m. When we're young women, post-college, we can sleep until 10 a.m. Now, in my early thirties, sleeping until 9 a.m. feels like an eternity...and it felt great!
When I woke, I knew what I needed to do to start the day right, but there was an underlying anxiety riddling through me. There were a few work tasks demanding my attention, so I quickly grounded myself by settling into the present reality of me having free time and space. Basically, I talked myself through the anxiety, telling myself I had plenty of time to complete the tasks after I take some time to read, reflect and rejuvenate my spirit.
I guess the professional world would call this time management.
As I normally do, I turned to one of hte books on my coffee table that instantly speaks to my spirit. It's one of those books you can open to any page, paragraph, or sentence and find meaning to comtemplate. I always find it interesting to see what page I open to, as if there is a reason to opening that page in that particular moment. Yesterday's passage was poetically perfect.
It was all about the Illusion of Need. I've read this explanation numerous times, but it is saturated in layers of understanding, so you can read it over and over and still find new meaning. Well, yesterday's read proved to be quite fruitful. I understood the teaching with a new awareness in my mind, body and spirit.
To believe the Illusion of Need is true, we then live in a constant state of fear...fear that our needs won't be met. To see the illusion for what it is, an illusion, we can use it to understand and experience the truth that our needs are alwaysmet. Case in point, if I look back to how I came to be at this particular moment in time, I would see that my needs have always been met because I am here. I may not have experienced all that I wanted, but I always had all that I needed, for I am here.
Neale Donald Walsch talks about the Illusion of Need being the first and strongest of illusions. It is the base of which all other illusions are created. To see the illusion for what it is and to be able to use it to experience that which you are is the Garden of Eden, for there is no fear, but a rooted trust in knowing that all will be taken care of.
The second area of understanding that rocked my world yesterday was the quote of the day, "Most people believe in God, they just don't believe in a God who believes in them." I felt a shift in my body after I read this. There was a feeling of deep understanding.
I realized this entire faith walk, which has been about documenting how my life changes this year through a commitment to God (faith) and destiny, is not fully what I am doing. I've always had faith. I've always trusted in a higher presence and lived my life accordingly. My faith has been tested at times, but it always remains. What I haven't done is lived my life with the belief that God believes in me. This is where the blog is taking my faith to a new level. To believe this...to know what this validation and support feels like is undoubtedly the most transformational knowing of all.
It removes the fear of your needs not being met, plus it removes the wanting of approval from others...parents, lovers, friends, colleagues, etc. Believing that God believes in you and will support your dreams, well, that's the pinnacle of support--the alpha--the omega.
Who needs a loan from the Bank of America when hyouc an borrow from the Bank of God?
Needless to say, it was a valuable rest day. Insights were had and th epath continues to shape its course. It's been quite the adventure so far.
To be continued...
Quote of the day: "Most people believe in God, they just don't believe in a God who believes in them." - Neale Donald Walsch
Friday's day of rest was spectacular.
It started off with a sleep-in. T0 put it in the sweet words of my husband, who rises each morning by giving me a kiss, "I don't want to see you downstairs at 8 a.m."
I rose at 9 a.m. It's funny how our concept of "sleeping in" changes as we age. When we're teenagers, we can sleep until noon. When we're college students, we can sleep until 2 p.m. When we're young women, post-college, we can sleep until 10 a.m. Now, in my early thirties, sleeping until 9 a.m. feels like an eternity...and it felt great!
When I woke, I knew what I needed to do to start the day right, but there was an underlying anxiety riddling through me. There were a few work tasks demanding my attention, so I quickly grounded myself by settling into the present reality of me having free time and space. Basically, I talked myself through the anxiety, telling myself I had plenty of time to complete the tasks after I take some time to read, reflect and rejuvenate my spirit.
I guess the professional world would call this time management.
As I normally do, I turned to one of hte books on my coffee table that instantly speaks to my spirit. It's one of those books you can open to any page, paragraph, or sentence and find meaning to comtemplate. I always find it interesting to see what page I open to, as if there is a reason to opening that page in that particular moment. Yesterday's passage was poetically perfect.
It was all about the Illusion of Need. I've read this explanation numerous times, but it is saturated in layers of understanding, so you can read it over and over and still find new meaning. Well, yesterday's read proved to be quite fruitful. I understood the teaching with a new awareness in my mind, body and spirit.
To believe the Illusion of Need is true, we then live in a constant state of fear...fear that our needs won't be met. To see the illusion for what it is, an illusion, we can use it to understand and experience the truth that our needs are alwaysmet. Case in point, if I look back to how I came to be at this particular moment in time, I would see that my needs have always been met because I am here. I may not have experienced all that I wanted, but I always had all that I needed, for I am here.
Neale Donald Walsch talks about the Illusion of Need being the first and strongest of illusions. It is the base of which all other illusions are created. To see the illusion for what it is and to be able to use it to experience that which you are is the Garden of Eden, for there is no fear, but a rooted trust in knowing that all will be taken care of.
The second area of understanding that rocked my world yesterday was the quote of the day, "Most people believe in God, they just don't believe in a God who believes in them." I felt a shift in my body after I read this. There was a feeling of deep understanding.
I realized this entire faith walk, which has been about documenting how my life changes this year through a commitment to God (faith) and destiny, is not fully what I am doing. I've always had faith. I've always trusted in a higher presence and lived my life accordingly. My faith has been tested at times, but it always remains. What I haven't done is lived my life with the belief that God believes in me. This is where the blog is taking my faith to a new level. To believe this...to know what this validation and support feels like is undoubtedly the most transformational knowing of all.
It removes the fear of your needs not being met, plus it removes the wanting of approval from others...parents, lovers, friends, colleagues, etc. Believing that God believes in you and will support your dreams, well, that's the pinnacle of support--the alpha--the omega.
Who needs a loan from the Bank of America when hyouc an borrow from the Bank of God?
Needless to say, it was a valuable rest day. Insights were had and th epath continues to shape its course. It's been quite the adventure so far.
To be continued...
Quote of the day: "Most people believe in God, they just don't believe in a God who believes in them." - Neale Donald Walsch
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Catch Me if You Can
Quote of the day: “Don't be afraid to be amazing.” —Andy Offutt Irwin; storyteller, singer-songwriter
It’s amazing what an evening of resting can do for the spirit. After living through yesterday’s vat of fatigue, I am aware now more than ever how important it is to not act on anything I am thinking and feeling when I feel that way, and to relax in the knowing this too shall pass.
Feeling fatigue in spirit almost feels like the flu, but worse because unlike with the flu, there is a fear it won’t go away. Sure, when you’re sick with the flu it feels like it’s lasting forever, but you know there is an end in sight. When you’re sick with a fatigued spirit, it’s difficult to trust in the hope of there being brighter, more energetic and inspired days ahead. The dark, soul-sucking vat the fatigue places you in feels timeless.
Today, in less than 24 hours, I’ve made my way out of the vat. My spirit is much more awake and I’m feeling hopeful. Yesterday, by 5:30 p.m., I was ready to walk away from it all—the job, the belief in being able to create something for myself, the hope of living my dreams. This morning, when the clock turned to work wake-up time, I felt the dread I normally feel on week days, but that was it. There was no vacuum; no black hole harboring my spirit like the day before. I was free.
You know that feeling when you wipe clean the windshield of a dirty car, or when you clean the bathroom mirror…that feeling of Ahhhhhhhhhh. Oh yes, this is how I felt when I woke up.
In taking advantage of my being present, I walked into my boss’ office this morning and asked if it would be OK if I took a vacation day tomorrow. She confirmed it would be fine.
And just like that, I’ve created some breathing space for my Self.
We do NOT have to fear our unique ability to be amazing. We can have it all, little by little, if we believe and trust in the hope of the dream. When we’re tired, it doesn’t mean we can’t do it all. It doesn’t mean we have to walk away from a vision. It simply means to do nothing for a moment and rest.
These moments of fatigue used to discourage me from giving all my dreams hope. I would assign inaccurate beliefs to the experience, such as: Your dreams are unrealistic. See, you can’t do it all; have it all. Your expectations are too high. Stop shooting for the stars and face reality.
Coming full circle to a philosophy I blogged about from Neale Donald Walsch, which states how we give meaning to everything and anything that happens in our lives—that there is no other meaning than the meaning we assign to it. I would allow the fatigue to assign self-defeating meanings to my life. I’m no longer doing that.
The only meaning I can give to what I felt yesterday was that it meant I needed to rest. And today, I’m shooting for the stars.
It’s amazing what an evening of resting can do for the spirit. After living through yesterday’s vat of fatigue, I am aware now more than ever how important it is to not act on anything I am thinking and feeling when I feel that way, and to relax in the knowing this too shall pass.
Feeling fatigue in spirit almost feels like the flu, but worse because unlike with the flu, there is a fear it won’t go away. Sure, when you’re sick with the flu it feels like it’s lasting forever, but you know there is an end in sight. When you’re sick with a fatigued spirit, it’s difficult to trust in the hope of there being brighter, more energetic and inspired days ahead. The dark, soul-sucking vat the fatigue places you in feels timeless.
Today, in less than 24 hours, I’ve made my way out of the vat. My spirit is much more awake and I’m feeling hopeful. Yesterday, by 5:30 p.m., I was ready to walk away from it all—the job, the belief in being able to create something for myself, the hope of living my dreams. This morning, when the clock turned to work wake-up time, I felt the dread I normally feel on week days, but that was it. There was no vacuum; no black hole harboring my spirit like the day before. I was free.
You know that feeling when you wipe clean the windshield of a dirty car, or when you clean the bathroom mirror…that feeling of Ahhhhhhhhhh. Oh yes, this is how I felt when I woke up.
In taking advantage of my being present, I walked into my boss’ office this morning and asked if it would be OK if I took a vacation day tomorrow. She confirmed it would be fine.
And just like that, I’ve created some breathing space for my Self.
We do NOT have to fear our unique ability to be amazing. We can have it all, little by little, if we believe and trust in the hope of the dream. When we’re tired, it doesn’t mean we can’t do it all. It doesn’t mean we have to walk away from a vision. It simply means to do nothing for a moment and rest.
These moments of fatigue used to discourage me from giving all my dreams hope. I would assign inaccurate beliefs to the experience, such as: Your dreams are unrealistic. See, you can’t do it all; have it all. Your expectations are too high. Stop shooting for the stars and face reality.
Coming full circle to a philosophy I blogged about from Neale Donald Walsch, which states how we give meaning to everything and anything that happens in our lives—that there is no other meaning than the meaning we assign to it. I would allow the fatigue to assign self-defeating meanings to my life. I’m no longer doing that.
The only meaning I can give to what I felt yesterday was that it meant I needed to rest. And today, I’m shooting for the stars.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Going Through the Motions
Quote of the day: "Fatigue is the best pillow." – Benjamin Franklin
I’ve been stewing over what to write about today in my blog entry. Normally I am able to tap into my voice in the late morning, before I head out on lunch. On this particular morning, the juices were not flowing. Actually, I don’t think I was even breathing until after noon.
Yesterday, I came into work well before my normal arrival time in order to leave early for a dance and drum performance at a college. The show went great, though we didn’t pull into our driveway until almost 10 p.m. It all made for a very long day.
This morning, I woke up completely and utterly fatigued. I commented to my husband, who was as chipper as always in the early morning hours, that I really wasn’t awake–to not be fooled by my showered, vertical appearance because I was actually sleepwalking.
I’ve already commented some about living on auto-pilot, but man-o-man, it’s amazing how the body can survive on its own, going through the motions it knows it needs to do, without the spirit being awake.
The fatigue I feel today isn’t physical. It rarely is. In fact, the only remedy I could find to my waking daze, besides taking the afternoon off and sitting in my writing room to reconnect (which wasn’t an option), was to jog for a few minutes, then do repeated sequences of downward dog into a push-up position, then some core/ab work, and then lay flat on my back in corpse position in the women’s locker room in meditation.
The active breathing and engagement with my physical self helped to sweat off the haze I found myself in and now I am able to put together a sentence, slightly. I “feel” more of my Self now, but I’m not fully present. Definitely not.
Being on this journey requires me to share all of the experience; not just the inspired, feel-good moments. In commitment to faith, it is precisely in these moments of fatigue that we must hold onto those of exuberance.
My spirit gets tired when I don’t give it time to rest. The running from one thing to the next, to the next, to the next, may be fine for some people, but not this chica. If there is one thing that I’ve become absolutely certain about myself over the past few months is that I absolutely, positively, need downtime…the type of downtime that is quiet, soft, still and in spirit.
I don’t have the slightest clue on how to get the downtime I need, though I know “I” need it like my body needs water. I trust that this knowing will help me to create the breathing space I desire.
I’ve been stewing over what to write about today in my blog entry. Normally I am able to tap into my voice in the late morning, before I head out on lunch. On this particular morning, the juices were not flowing. Actually, I don’t think I was even breathing until after noon.
Yesterday, I came into work well before my normal arrival time in order to leave early for a dance and drum performance at a college. The show went great, though we didn’t pull into our driveway until almost 10 p.m. It all made for a very long day.
This morning, I woke up completely and utterly fatigued. I commented to my husband, who was as chipper as always in the early morning hours, that I really wasn’t awake–to not be fooled by my showered, vertical appearance because I was actually sleepwalking.
I’ve already commented some about living on auto-pilot, but man-o-man, it’s amazing how the body can survive on its own, going through the motions it knows it needs to do, without the spirit being awake.
The fatigue I feel today isn’t physical. It rarely is. In fact, the only remedy I could find to my waking daze, besides taking the afternoon off and sitting in my writing room to reconnect (which wasn’t an option), was to jog for a few minutes, then do repeated sequences of downward dog into a push-up position, then some core/ab work, and then lay flat on my back in corpse position in the women’s locker room in meditation.
The active breathing and engagement with my physical self helped to sweat off the haze I found myself in and now I am able to put together a sentence, slightly. I “feel” more of my Self now, but I’m not fully present. Definitely not.
Being on this journey requires me to share all of the experience; not just the inspired, feel-good moments. In commitment to faith, it is precisely in these moments of fatigue that we must hold onto those of exuberance.
My spirit gets tired when I don’t give it time to rest. The running from one thing to the next, to the next, to the next, may be fine for some people, but not this chica. If there is one thing that I’ve become absolutely certain about myself over the past few months is that I absolutely, positively, need downtime…the type of downtime that is quiet, soft, still and in spirit.
I don’t have the slightest clue on how to get the downtime I need, though I know “I” need it like my body needs water. I trust that this knowing will help me to create the breathing space I desire.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
It All Comes Back Around
Hope just emerged in my life where I was defeated.
Remember a few weeks back I had an interview for another position within the university? Well, I quickly assumed I wasn’t a candidate in the running because I never heard back for a second interview. Turns out I was a candidate who was strongly considered, although I still wasn’t offered the position. I know this because the person in charge called me yesterday to explain they offered the position only a few days ago to someone else after a long, contemplative couple of weeks. She continued to express how impressed she was with me and that she would be happy to assist me in finding another position within the university that would better utilize me and my skills set.
Wow, how about that?
In today’s job market, where employers have one of the largest pools of candidates to choose from, you rarely hear of personal follow-up calls to interviewees to let them know they didn’t get the job, let alone a call offering to help the person find another position. I was unbelievably surprised and grateful. What a gift!
This is a perfect example of feeling defeated only to not being defeated at all, hence the title of my blog entry on January 12 when I processed my disappointment, “The Joy in Losing.” What I discovered from writing the blog was that it was the “competitive” part of me who felt disappointed in not being chosen, or in “losing,” not the real me. This interview was actually the first time in my life when I interviewed fully as me. What I mean by that is I didn’t curb my answers to the panel’s questions to give them what they wanted to hear. If you’ve ever interviewed for a job, you know what I mean by that. Not that I gave outrageous answers or anything, it’s just that I remained centered in who I am and answered accordingly. I never wavered, even when I felt tempted to say what should be said, regardless of what I believed, in effort to WIN.
That good ‘ole phrase, “I guess it wasn’t mean to be,” proved to be true. It wasn’t mean to be that, but it’s meant to be something else.
Even though I walked away that afternoon feeling good, internally, about how I presented myself, it’s hard to express in words how good it also feels to receive the external validation. It wasn’t needed, but it sure feels good.
On January 12, when I wrote my blog entry, I honestly believed I had found the joy in losing. It’s my quest each and every day to find the joy and I had done so on that day. Today, I find it so beautifully ironic how the joy that day has come full circle and continues to give me hope for a better tomorrow.
Quote of the day: “Hope is always available to us. When we feel defeated, we need only take a deep breath and say, "Yes," and hope will reappear.” —Monroe Forester
Remember a few weeks back I had an interview for another position within the university? Well, I quickly assumed I wasn’t a candidate in the running because I never heard back for a second interview. Turns out I was a candidate who was strongly considered, although I still wasn’t offered the position. I know this because the person in charge called me yesterday to explain they offered the position only a few days ago to someone else after a long, contemplative couple of weeks. She continued to express how impressed she was with me and that she would be happy to assist me in finding another position within the university that would better utilize me and my skills set.
Wow, how about that?
In today’s job market, where employers have one of the largest pools of candidates to choose from, you rarely hear of personal follow-up calls to interviewees to let them know they didn’t get the job, let alone a call offering to help the person find another position. I was unbelievably surprised and grateful. What a gift!
This is a perfect example of feeling defeated only to not being defeated at all, hence the title of my blog entry on January 12 when I processed my disappointment, “The Joy in Losing.” What I discovered from writing the blog was that it was the “competitive” part of me who felt disappointed in not being chosen, or in “losing,” not the real me. This interview was actually the first time in my life when I interviewed fully as me. What I mean by that is I didn’t curb my answers to the panel’s questions to give them what they wanted to hear. If you’ve ever interviewed for a job, you know what I mean by that. Not that I gave outrageous answers or anything, it’s just that I remained centered in who I am and answered accordingly. I never wavered, even when I felt tempted to say what should be said, regardless of what I believed, in effort to WIN.
That good ‘ole phrase, “I guess it wasn’t mean to be,” proved to be true. It wasn’t mean to be that, but it’s meant to be something else.
Even though I walked away that afternoon feeling good, internally, about how I presented myself, it’s hard to express in words how good it also feels to receive the external validation. It wasn’t needed, but it sure feels good.
On January 12, when I wrote my blog entry, I honestly believed I had found the joy in losing. It’s my quest each and every day to find the joy and I had done so on that day. Today, I find it so beautifully ironic how the joy that day has come full circle and continues to give me hope for a better tomorrow.
Quote of the day: “Hope is always available to us. When we feel defeated, we need only take a deep breath and say, "Yes," and hope will reappear.” —Monroe Forester
Monday, February 1, 2010
One Down and 11 More to Go
Quote of the day: "Discover your own discontent, and be grateful, for without divine discontent there would be no creative force." - Deepak Chopra
In taking a moment to reflect, I’ve completed a month on this blogging journey of faith and destiny. While it may not look like a lot has changed in my life on the outside over the past four weeks due to a commitment to living faithfully, and with joy, there have been significant changes on the inside.
For starters, this voice of hope, joy, passion and purpose is no longer a distant noise in the dark corner of my Self that comes alive in moments of retreat and silence. The daily check-ins of mindful communication with my Self and putting it down in words has given it more breath, strength and life. A shift in position is occurring. The voice of fear, lack and need isn’t commanding the attention it once had. It is now becoming the distant noise…the after-thought.
Over the past 27 blog entries, I’ve begun to discover the source of my discontent, which time and time again points to a wanting or a needing…that I need something out there, anything, to fill me up, to satisfy this need of more…more passion, purpose, love and joy. The discontentment feels like an insatiable hunger.
Deepak Chopra speaks to this discovery of discontent and finds value in the quest, “for without divine discontent there would be no creative force.” As his words of wisdom so often ring true for my spirit, I have felt and acted on a number of creative surges in January, all of which occurred from the inside out.
This is what I find to be so fascinating about the discovery process…It’s been purely in the act of discussing the daily conversations, conflicts and confusions within my Self that I’ve been able to bring to light the source of my discontent, to put it out there, which has in turn reduced its hold on me.
It’s amazing how the process of becoming emotionally and spiritually fit compares to becoming physically fit. In giving attention to the disciplines each day, we become more of want we dream to be. Without the attention, they remain a dream.
In just four short weeks I’ve changed the outside of my life from:
1. Dreaming about writing to writing every day.
2. Wishing for a stronger lower-back and core region to prevent further and future injury to doing 10 minutes of core work each day, which have already made a noticeable difference in regards to pain—not to mention my clothes fit even better and I overall feel stronger.
It may not seem significant, but these two changes are huge for me. They are tangible actions of change. They are the result of a commitment to find joy in each day and I’m so thankful already.
I can only wonder what this next month will bring...and so the journey continues.
In taking a moment to reflect, I’ve completed a month on this blogging journey of faith and destiny. While it may not look like a lot has changed in my life on the outside over the past four weeks due to a commitment to living faithfully, and with joy, there have been significant changes on the inside.
For starters, this voice of hope, joy, passion and purpose is no longer a distant noise in the dark corner of my Self that comes alive in moments of retreat and silence. The daily check-ins of mindful communication with my Self and putting it down in words has given it more breath, strength and life. A shift in position is occurring. The voice of fear, lack and need isn’t commanding the attention it once had. It is now becoming the distant noise…the after-thought.
Over the past 27 blog entries, I’ve begun to discover the source of my discontent, which time and time again points to a wanting or a needing…that I need something out there, anything, to fill me up, to satisfy this need of more…more passion, purpose, love and joy. The discontentment feels like an insatiable hunger.
Deepak Chopra speaks to this discovery of discontent and finds value in the quest, “for without divine discontent there would be no creative force.” As his words of wisdom so often ring true for my spirit, I have felt and acted on a number of creative surges in January, all of which occurred from the inside out.
This is what I find to be so fascinating about the discovery process…It’s been purely in the act of discussing the daily conversations, conflicts and confusions within my Self that I’ve been able to bring to light the source of my discontent, to put it out there, which has in turn reduced its hold on me.
It’s amazing how the process of becoming emotionally and spiritually fit compares to becoming physically fit. In giving attention to the disciplines each day, we become more of want we dream to be. Without the attention, they remain a dream.
In just four short weeks I’ve changed the outside of my life from:
1. Dreaming about writing to writing every day.
2. Wishing for a stronger lower-back and core region to prevent further and future injury to doing 10 minutes of core work each day, which have already made a noticeable difference in regards to pain—not to mention my clothes fit even better and I overall feel stronger.
It may not seem significant, but these two changes are huge for me. They are tangible actions of change. They are the result of a commitment to find joy in each day and I’m so thankful already.
I can only wonder what this next month will bring...and so the journey continues.
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