Working Girl

Quote of the day: “Rejoice in the things that are present; all else is beyond thee.” —Michel de Montaigne; Essayist, Author

I’m off for another on-campus meeting in a new department. This is my fourth since February. I’m simply trying to personally interact with different areas on campus that are of interest to me, and the woman I met with on my second meeting suggested I make this appointment.

I had applied for countless jobs within other departments and couldn’t even get an interview until the last one. I understand everyone struggles with “getting employers to look past the resume,” which is why I’m seeking out face-to-face time.

One of the many fringe benefits of working at this university is the short-term counseling that’s available to staff. It’s part of the employee assistance program. Like with the rest of our benefits, I’ve taken full advantage of it. To me, one of the greatest joys in life is being to talk with an unbiased person openly and honestly about my feelings, thoughts, hopes and concerns. And on the flip side, I thoroughly enjoy being on the other end of the conversation for others. We NEED to express ourselves like we need to drink water.

That’s two days now I’ve written similes regarding water. Hmm. I must be thirsty.

One of the suggestions the counselor made to me more than a year ago was to identify the departments on campus that were of interest to me and to schedule meetings with the heads to introduce myself. She believed my in-person energy would be the difference maker in me finding new and creative work within the university setting. I appreciated this suggestion and thought it was a good idea, but for some reason I wasn't ready to act on it then. Now, I guess I am ... all in due time.

Anyways, I’ve thrown any expectations I could have for this meeting out the window. It all feels quite anti-climatic, actually. I kind of feel like I’m just going through the motions, which I wouldn’t think is the best space to be in when you’re about to meet with a prestigious administrator. Hopefully spirit will move me when I sit down face to face with her.

Wish me luck!

Not Wasting a Minute of Sleep Time

Quote of the day: “Hold fast to dreams. For if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly.” —James Langston Hughes; poet, novelist

I applied for a job today. I don’t know what got into me.

When I read the Sunday newspaper I always glance at the Classifieds. Most of the time I’m not actually looking for job, though I always feel like “you never know!” So, on Sunday, when I was doing my usual glancing, a posting caught my eye. Words like communications, manager, part-time, flexible schedule and benefits pulled me in, not to mention the name of the company. I know the company. I’ve worked for the company. I’m actually a huge fan of the company. So, I thought to myself, “Why not?”

Do I want this job? I don’t know, but I don’t have to know to apply.

So I did. I sent in all my stuff this morning. I should know by the end of next week if I’ll be called in for an interview. Hmmm.

Getting up in the morning is getting harder and harder. I’m sleeping later and later. My husband and I were both laughing at me this morning because I am waking up so late now for work that I literally am giving myself less than 30 minutes to shower, get ready and BE at work. Poor guy. He doesn't know if he should wake me for fear that I won't ever get up, or if he should just let me be in this space of awfully late wake-ups. You’d think I was still in college, sleeping until the very last minute possible before class starts. I was laughing at myself because it’s actually pretty terrible. I say that with love.

I know it is just a matter of weeks before I make the leap. Time is passing and the countdown has begun. I find it odd how I am feeling less anxious today about the leap than I was back in February. As I get closer, I feel more relieved, not fearful. I still don’t have any concrete plans to earn income, but that’s part of the journey…the project. It will work itself out. Until it doesn’t.

Reflection

Quote of the day: “Friendship, love, health, energy, enthusiasm, and joy are the things that make life worth living and exploring.” —Denise Austin; fitness instructor, columnist

It has been a week since my last post. This isn’t neglect, but a reflection of what my schedule has been like since then. I was immersed in March Madness on every level. We hosted the “Sweet Sixteen” and “Elite Eight” games, which is a huge undertaking. The amount of paid staff, volunteer staff, media members, coordination, and communication that’s required to pull off such an event is tremendous. Even though our office had been preparing for months for this event, our official duties began Tuesday evening and concluded on Saturday evening, which technically led into the early hours on Sunday.

It was a lot of fun. I’ve always been a fan of changing routine and scenery, both of which I was able to do last week. My hours were different, my surroundings were different and my responsibilities were different. Even though we all worked around the clock, I felt like the last four days were a vacation—a retreat from the monotony of everyday life. It was fantastic.

I love change. I love spontaneity. I love being up and about, moving all day. I love all of this because I don’t have any of it during my current workday. It’s obviously out of balance.

I learned so much about myself this week. There were some promising moments of reflection. I witnessed an energy in me come to life. It was my sport energy—my athlete self. Sure, I work in athletics every day, but this was different. I was fully immersed in the event. I wasn’t going to the dance studio at night, living between two worlds and selves. I was working in a sporting arena for hours on end, surrounded by thousands of sport folks. There was no energy in me coming to life beyond the athlete. She took over.

It was interesting. I had a lot of fun. I keep repeating that statement, which I believe is significant. Life as I knew it before the mid-college, identity crisis years was all about fun … the fun of sports. I lived and breathed sports. My complete identity was tied up in whatever sport I was playing. There was no separation. Life was the game and the game was life. This experience was all fine and good until life changed and sports changed, and it wasn’t good anymore.

I’ve been lost ever since.

As I write the statement above, I do not believe it literally. What I believe is that I haven’t had an identity since then, and that is what has been lost, but I’m not saying that I need one. It was comfortable living in the box of an athlete, until I wasn’t anymore and I was forced to wake up to life. Sports allowed me to nurture and release aggression, strength, competition, drive, focus and determination. It gave me purpose and became a channel for my passions.

Being involved in the event this week I felt like a teenager again—my old self. My disposition changed. I acted more aggressively, became fully vested in competition, was enamored by athletes, and wanted to hang out and party. It was like high school again.

And then I would go home, into my house where everything feels very different than that…where I feel very different than that.

Initially, back in the mid-college years, the loss of my identity created such panic, pain, confusion and despair that the only way out of the dark was for me to ask questions about the light. If I hadn’t asked, I would have been swallowed whole and physically gone forever.

Since then, my interests, passions, and expressions have changed and evolved. I began to nurture more of my feminine aspects and energies, which ties in my connection to dancing, drumming, writing, hiking, yoga, traveling, meditation, etc. In hopes to find some sense of self and purpose, I began to ask myself deeper questions about life, spirit and God. With these questions, answers, thoughts and prayers, combined with new interests, I am here, today, as is.

Taking another step back, two and a half years ago I was working for an incredible organization that promotes health, beauty and wellness. I loved the organization with all my heart, and still do today, but my intuition told me it was time to move on for various reasons. Within days of these feelings, I was offered the position I have today. A job in athletics…a position in the field I studied in college.

This was significant because I had never worked a day in this field of study—a decision I made when I was the 18-year-old student-athlete, pre identity crisis. So, I felt it was poetic justice for me to have been offered the position. My life had come full circle and I was incredibly curious to see if I would enjoy a career field that once spoke directly to me.

Within a few months, I knew it was not the path for me. I could vaguely see how it once was, but now, after this past week, I can clearly see how it would have been a perfect fit for the old Jill. I say that with respect for who I was then and who I am now.

People do change, if they want to. Not the core of them, but the layers to the core can change. They can be peeled away. I wanted to change. I needed to change. I needed change like a lost traveler in the desert needs water. I was desperate for it…for more understanding, depth and purpose. With this change came a change in me.

Today, the profession, the field, it doesn’t fit my lifestyle. It doesn’t fit me. It invokes part of myself that I enjoy, roughly 10%, but that’s not enough when another 90% of me wants to come to life and doesn’t have room. You can’t just put the layers back on once they have been peeled. You can try, but you suffer even more.

And that’s what I realized this week…Again, I enjoyed the immersion in the sport world this weekend. It was fun to bring to life an old self, but the fun came from it being temporary. I realized it also felt so good because it reminded me how “solid” my life once felt when I had an identity. When someone could ask me what I wanted to do/be and I could say “work in sports.” I used to feel so sure about everything back then. I used to feel so confident in who I was.

Until I wasn’t anymore.

Until what created my identity was no longer; and therefore, I was no longer. And the real suffering began.

Today, my identity, is solely internal. I’m not anything. I’m of everything.

Sweeter Than Chocolate

Quote of the day: “Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.” —John R. Wooden; retired basketball coach, author

The author of today’s quote seems fitting for the March Madness craze that has literally struck the office of my “day job." This week we are one of four sites hosting the Sweet Sixteen and Elite Eight games. So, needless to say, there is a lot of hustle and bustle in the office, not to mention very stressed individuals. I’ve never worked a regional game, so I don’t feel stressed, but everyone around me has and is starting to steam.

There’s not much downtime today in the office, which I prefer, though I wanted to give voice to my Self who patiently awaits her turn to express all that she witnesses. As my fingers grab moments to type in between phone calls, I’m inclined to write about the importance of BEING and the delicate balance of BEING and DOING. I spent some time this weekend reviewing some passages in “The New Earth,” and I appreciated Eckhart’s explanation of WHO we really are. He describes the truth of us as our essence and everything else as just our ego. That is who we are according to his teachings.

Hmmm. I get that.

So as I sat still this weekend, allowing myself to feel from the inside out, to lose myself in the feeling, the essence, I found great rest. It was incredibly calming.

However, when I opened my eyes and stepped back into this world, I felt more lost in it than before. I could hear my to-do list calling me, but it felt so difficult to shift gears and begin the doing. I understand intellectually the truth in being still while doing, but my body doesn't understand it yet. Or, maybe not my body. I don’t know. All I do know is there’s still a disconnect because there is no ease in the transition. It’s still a major struggle to be in the sweet spot of being and doing.

It seems like when you’re so involved in the doing and doing and doing, it’s easier to get things done. But when you take a moment to be, it feels more difficult to do.

I don’t know. I just don’t see yet where they meet. How the worlds comes together. I yearn for them to. That is my greatest wish…my deepest desire…to live in the sweet spot.

Cycles of Awakening

Quote of the day: “Live your life fom your heart. Share from your heart. And your story will touch and heal people's souls.” - Melody Beattie, author

Today feels good. The sun is out once again. The sky shines blue. And I feel myself floating beneath the noise, drama, worry and concern.

A freelance writing and editing tip within the university has come my way. Hmm, not sure if anything will pan out, but still floating.

This time last year I took a retreat to Kauai to rest and reconnect all parts of me—mind, body and spirit. The bright sun, along with the time of year, has brought back memories of the island. Today, when I was out walking on my lunch break, flashes of Hanalei Bay dashed across my inner eye. My body instantly began to remember what it felt like to pull into the town of Hanalei after being gone for seven years. It was a coming-home feeling of tremendous magnitude coupled with effortless joy and grace.

Maybe it is just because of the sun and time of year that I had such remembrances today, or maybe it is because I’m feeling more at home within myself. It is probably a combination of both, but it doesn’t really matter why.

One of the most impactful moments of self-awareness that I had on my trip last year was when I apologized over the phone to my husband for being so angry, inpatient and resentful. I kept on repeating to him, over and over, how sorry I was for my discontent playing such a destructive role in our marriage. He lovingly and patiently accepted my words of grace without giving them much energy. But that moment of clarity, when I realized I had been living as someone other than my true nature, or rather I had been attached to the “pain body” as my identity, changed everything. It brought me back to my Self. It allowed me to see the dramatic roles I had been playing in our marriage and in my life.

Now here I am, a year later, witnessing the same behaviors and feeling the same remorse. I’m thankful for the awareness, again, though I have to be honest. I’m a bit frustrated with this cycle. I can’t imagine how my husband must feel. I mean, don’t get me wrong. He’s no peach all the time, but he’s responsible for himself and I’m responsible for myself, so it serves no purpose in engaging that perspective.

I just can’t help but wonder if the cycle will ever end. Will I always end up waking up to my Self only to fall asleep again and then to wake up and then fall asleep and then wake up and then fall asleep… You get the point.

Is it possible to stay awake? How do we do it?

As soon as I wrote the above questions, immediate answers of, “Yes it is! Moment by moment, day by day, it can be done,” silently tickled my throat.

To be fair to my Self, it wasn’t a year of sleeping. I just had some naps, that’s all.

On a physical side note, since I was a kid, I’ve always loved to nap and sleep. You never had to ask me twice and it takes me about five seconds to fall asleep once my head hits the pillow. I hope this doesn’t mean I am destined to be a sleeper in spirit, as well.

To Be On Purpose

Quote of the day: “People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child -- our own two eyes. All is a miracle.” - Thich Nhat Hanh

Over the past few days I’ve picked up a book that had been sitting on my nightstand for months now, to give it another read. It’s “A New Earth,” by Eckhart Tolle. I was introduced to the works of Eckhart like many others through his first novel, “The Power of Now.” I read it around eight years ago and it had a tremendous impact on me. I am a different person because of it.

“A New Earth” also provided a shift in me and my conscious. How could it not, though I haven’t looked at the text in a few years. After reading just a few pages the other night, I am thankfully in remembrance of some powerful messages—one being the “pain body.” I am not going to get into the details of Eckhart’s teachings here and his description of the pain body, but I do want to comment on my relationship with my pain body and how it is impacting me today on this journey.

I notice I fall victim to my pain body all too often, meaning, I physically, emotionally and mentally become attached to negative states of being. I get so wrapped up in them that I believe that I’ve become them. I struggle to see me separate from the pain, stress, worry, hate, fear, drama, pressure…all of it. It doesn’t take long for me to then feel consumed by these negative states as if they are me.

The “pain body” craves the drama, the negative states. It feeds off them. It’s very seductive and powerful.

This is why I continue to feel like I’ve lost my “Self.” In truth, I’ve never been lost. The essence of me has always remained within the stillness, underneath the drama and in between thoughts. This Self is the one I am always looking for but normally mistake for the one caught up in all the noise.

Today I’ve observed me from a witness view. Again, this is part of Eckhart’s teachings. He speaks of the witness being the real you, the truth of you, the essence of you…who you are in unscripted, undefined terms. I witnessed myself getting wrapped up in a number of annoyances, frustrations, concerns and dramas. Some of which were small, others of which were large. Regardless, I was aware of it happening.

I didn’t judge or berate myself for getting pulled into the drama. I just noticed it. And I noticed how charged the drama can be.

These observances today are simply observances. I don’t expect I’ll suddenly be able to remain detached from the pain body. But through the awareness of feeling my Self as separate from the pain body, even when I was getting pulled in, I’m feeling more and more like myself, today. And with that, I recognize the beauty of the blue sky; the warmth of the sun; and the joy in the being.
It is always in the being that we can begin to do what we are destined to. Today feels like square one. Going back to the drawing board, only, there is no drawing to do. There is only being. No more appointments at the moment. No more networking to be had, today. Just being…on purpose.

In Stillness

Quote of the day: "When you lose touch with inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself. When you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world." - Eckhart Tolle, spiritual teacher, author and lecturer

Where am I to go
but to turn within myself
There is no doing to be had
just being
there is where I reside

Who am I? continues to linger
for the internal alignment is precisely which can create the external fruits
no more looking without
for another dead-end chase
only within
for there is where I reside

Breathe in and out
the gap in between thoughts
where the source lies
the vitality springs
there is where I reside

Awaken to the moment, the here and now
feel it, remaining still, underneath the noise and chatter
this is who I am
the answer to my question
there is where I reside

No concepts or forms create this identity
no thoughts or words explain what is
it only is
in stillness
there is where I reside

And there lies who I am

Soulshine

Quote of the day: “Live today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Just today. Inhabit your moments. Don't rent them out to tomorrow.” —Jerry Spinelli; author

I’m allowing my moment of yesterday to inhabit me today, creating a new moment, now, in the present.

Last night, I had the joy of experiencing the music, beauty and inspiration of Alicia Keys LIVE. Oh yes, my friend Jill and I attended her sold-out concert at the Turning Stone Events Center. She easily exceeded any expectations I had for the evening and I got the feeling she did so for the other 4,999 people in the audience. There wasn’t a soul in the arena who didn’t leave feeling uplifted. It wasn’t just a concert; a form of entertainment. It was also a rejuvenation; a retreat.

Jill and I originally fell in love separately with Alicia’s music, but this past summer when I went to visit her on the island of Prudence, which is off the coast of Rhode Island, where she rented a home for a few months, we deepened our love for her music together. Alicia would serenade us with her deeply soulful love ballads and songs of personal power and reflection as we drove the few miles of dirt road around the island. When we would sink ourselves into camping chairs on the grassland of the western bay, enjoying a front-row view of the day’s sunset with a beer and snack in tow, Alicia would intensify the beauty of the moment. Together, as Jill and I were falling in love with the island and its wondrous nature, we were also falling in love with our soulful selves through her music. It was a special time for both of us.

Clearly, when the news of her stopping to play on her Freedom Tour at a venue less than 30 miles from our homes dressed the headlines of our local newspaper, we knew it was a given for us to attend. All we needed was to purchase tickets, which we did the day after they went on sale.

Jill travels a lot for her job. She can be gone for weeks at a time, only to stop back home for a day or two before the next trip. Whenever she is in town, we normally arrange our schedules for some girl time. She had been gone all week on business and took the super-duper, excruciatingly early flight yesterday morning to give herself plenty of time to make the show. It’s always better to be safe than sorry with air travel. I have had a strange week of physically not feeling so great. After about 20 minutes on the road of catching up on the ins and outs of our week we officially shed our exterior layer of “work mode” and shifted into our “carefree, music-loving, free-spirited” mode.

We enjoyed a light dinner fare accompanied with a tasty beverage, or two, before we made our way to the grand event. We joined the giant mass of concert-goers heading towards the theater. It was a sea of young and old men and women of all different ethnicities. It was beautiful.

After about 30 minutes of an opening act and 20 minutes of a stage change, the lady of the night made her appearance, and boy was she worth the wait. She captivated us early with upbeat, high-energy dancey songs followed by slower, more soulful, sultry, piano-playing ballads. Throughout 90 minutes on stage she managed to play some of her biggest hits and personal favorites, while delivering a powerfully optimistic, hopeful and inspiring message to the audience which affirmed we all are able to do, be and live our hearts’ dream and desire.

Her message was beautiful and her music complemented it perfectly.

Even though this all happened last night, I am still basking in the glory of it. My thoughts are more positive. My body is more comforted. And, my soul is more alive. I am, in this moment, as relaxed and confident as I’ve ever been about who I am and my decision to leave my job in hopes to give my Self a chance to come to life.

Thanks, Alicia, for sharing your talents. And, thanks Jilly, for sharing your soulshine with me. :)

Winning Isn't Everything, But Trying Is

Quote of the day: “When obstacles arise, you change your direction to reach your goal, you do not change your decision to get there.” —Zig Ziglar; motivational author, speaker

If you’re a beloved Syracuse men’s basketball fan, today’s quote couldn’t have come at a better time. You see, our highly talented Orange men suffered a loss in today’s quarterfinal game against Georgetown in the BIG EAST Conference Tournament. This was the third time these two teams have met this season and Syracuse had a 2-0 advantage. Today’s loss hurts because it’s a loss to one of our greatest rivals and knocks us out of the conference tournament (even though we won the regular-season title), but more importantly, one of the starting players on our wondrous team went down with an injury. This is where the loss can become a tragedy.

A week from today Syracuse will play in its first game of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. The Orange began the season with minimal expectations from fans, media and opponents. Early on in the season, it became very clear that this team had talent, teamwork and, most of all, promise. They’ve provided promise all season of a National Championship. Today’s loss doesn’t really affect their chances in the national tournament, but the injury could be devastating.

Regardless, the show must go on. The team will play and the quest for another National Championship will continue. As Zig Ziglar so eloquently stated, “When obstacles arise, you change your direction to reach your goal, you do not change your decision to get there.”

One doesn’t have to be a fan of sports to appreciate what it is like to care about a group of kids as they strive to be the best they can be. Their triumphs become our triumphs and their losses become our losses. Funny enough, it is in the losses that I begin to feel the love I have for these players…love for their togetherness, love for their teamwork, love for their camaraderie and love for their hope of success. When you watch them play week after week, giving all that they got, you can only hope they will be rewarded in the end.

The truth is, they are being rewarded along the way, as are the fans. Even though the illustrious championship trophy would be the epitome of external success, it does not represent all what was gained internally.

Sports can often be used as another metaphor for life. We may always be striving to live our greatest life as if we’re vying for the esteemed trophy, but in the end, it’s really just about giving our best effort each and every day. Sometimes our best that day may not be enough. We may come up short. But even when we do, come up short, at least we were there TO come up short…At least we were there…At least we tried.

All life asks of us is to show up. To try and give it a chance. If we never give something a chance, then we’re not living. We’re then stuck in the past, for the past is the only thing known.

I’m giving my Self a chance to see what I can be without the commitment to be and do something else. I may come up short, but at least I can be honest with myself in that I tried.

P.S. -- My stomach is feeling much, much better today.

Pained Within

Quote of the day: “Let the beauty that we love be what we do.” —Jalal ad-Din Rumi; persian poet, mystic

What an inspiring quote. If only it were that simple. Well, is it?

Are we able to let the beauty that we love BE what we DO?

I guess it’s how one defines “do.” My instincts want to define it as our job, our work, our career…whatever it is that allows us to earn money. But maybe this definition is limiting. Maybe “what we do” can be more accurately defined as our actions, responses or initiations to each moment in life. Therefore, allowing the beauty to guide us at all times regardless of our job description.

And then maybe, the job or career will work itself out through the mere act of living out such beauty. Imagine that? Could it be so?

I can only hope.

As I walk this path of dedication to emotional and spiritual fulfillment as my life’s reality, I continue to turn within each day to reconnect with the beauty. On some days, I am guided by it. On other days, I am lost by it. Today, I am annoyed by it because I feel alone in it.

Moments like these happen naturally. I must not negate or berate my Self because of them. They only mean that I’m aching for stillness, within and without.

On a physical note, I have been experiencing the worst stomach pains all afternoon, which is very uncharacteristic for me. I’m not sure what is going on, but it is quite uncomfortable. I feel like I am never going to get through this day! Someway, somehow there has got to be a connection here. Hmm…..

May the beauty that you love be what you do.

Fool's Gold

Quote of the day: “Know in your heart that all things are possible. We couldn't conceive of a miracle if none had ever happened.” —Libbie Fudim

Today the sun shines brightly and warmly through the basement windows in our office. I can see a glimpse of the clear blue sky. It’s calling me. It’s pulling at me, but I am stuck, chained to my desk. The computer screen sitting before me has become my sky. But unfortunately, when you stare off into the computer screen you don’t get that warm, fuzzy, I-can-do-anything type of feeling. Instead, I get a fried-brain feeling.

Normally, I would throw myself outside in this beautiful day to exercise on my lunch break, but I wasn’t able to. My break was eaten up by campus-meeting No. 3, which was with another woman in a different department. I continue to follow the recommendations of those made to me as if I’m following clues to a treasure chest. With each meeting, I hope to find the gold. Today proved to be yet another clue.

Once again I was graciously received by a dynamic woman. She not only listened to me and shared with me logistical understandings of how the University functions, she also brainstormed project ideas. What a gracious woman. Yet, I still walked away with more unanswered clues.

After today’s meeting, I’m feeling a bit weary. Intellectually I know that three meetings is nothing. We’ve all heard stories of people triumphing after having door after door slammed in their face. I’m amazed at the tenacity of those people. What passion and drive they must have had to continue on. I am inspired by those stories.

With faith and a belief in a God who believes in me, I will continue on. I must. I just need to hang out at base camp for a bit to restock and refuel. That’s all. Then I’ll be ready to set out on the next treasure hunt.

In the meantime, while I’m restocking and refueling, I’ll continue to peak my head around the large corner cabinet that blocks my view to the outside world and soak in as much sun as I can. In the present moment we create our future and my hope is for a future of career fulfillment. So in this moment, I must trust in the truth that my needs are met and have always been met.

My Glass Slipper

Quote of the day: "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." - George Carlin, comedian/entertainer

The joy of weekend freedom once again woos me through another work day, pushing and pulling me through each tick on the clock tower. I’m so happy it is Friday.

As soon as the little hand reaches the five and the big hand reaches the twelve, it is as if I’ve turned into my princess self. My motored chariot awaits me and off we go…into magic land.

Tonight I don’t care what I do or don’t do. We either go to the ball or we don’t. C’est la vie (such is life). All I care about is that I’m now a princess and not a servant. No more scrubbing, sweeping, or cleaning. No more orders to follow or rules to obey. It’s now my turn to be in charge.

Thoughts of the weekend have the power to do that – make me feel high and hopeful. They pick me up out of an enclosed space and place me in an open field. I can breathe big, deep and full. I can feel the grandness surrounding me. It’s precious.

As with Cinderella, the stroke of midnight will come for me, but not until forty eight hours from now. In the meantime, I have a fantasy to fulfill…and a dress to kill.

A Day In The Life

Quote of the day: “Take a moment to notice the poem that is your own life.” – Georgia Popoff, poet and teaching artist

Morning rise
a struggle in sight
Coffee high
A lost worker’s delight

Yearnings of movement lingers
from morning to night
Sitting in front of the computer
desperate to catch a flight

Daydreams fill gaps of time
hopes and wishes abound
Daring risks becoming prime
awaiting for my spirit to be found

Dancing feet
arms swimming in the air
Elated beats
joy circulating to share

Late suppers fuel the empty shell
nightly episodes entertain
Snuggles on the couch fill the well
after a working days’ drain

Check out Georgia's blog: http://gappoet.blogspot.com/

Magic In The Air

Quote of the day: “Over prepare; then go with the flow.” – Regina Brett, journalist

Today I was able to get outside for a jog on my lunch break. I haven’t done so since November because of the wintery mix. But today, the sun was out. The air was mildly cool yet cleansing. It was refreshing.

After coming back inside to complete my usual strength-training exercises, I couldn’t help but to ponder about the importance of getting “fresh” air, outside! Yes, there is air all around us. In our homes, in our workplaces, in our lungs…air is everywhere, thankfully. But there is just something magical or medicinal about the air outside.

When I was jogging, the usual thoughts raced through my mind: Who are you? What do you want out of life? What are you passionate about? What do you like doing? How can you serve others? How will you earn money? How can you leave a job without a job in this economy? How will you afford healthcare? What will you actually do?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

These thoughts so often rumble through my brain that I feel like they are now becoming a part of me, kinda like the beauty mark on my face, only I wouldn’t describe them as a mark of beauty. Most of the time they feel more like acid reflux disease—irritable and unforgettable.

But today, the cool, crisp, refreshing air soothed my symptoms just as my mother’s over-the-counter Titralac soothes her esophagus. As the thoughts came in waves, instead of getting dragged into the undertow, I was able to stay afloat and ride them to shore.

As Regina talks about in today’s quote, I’ve realized these thoughts are my way to prepare. They may not all translate into tangible tasks or resolutions in the present moment, but that is what I anticipate will happen as I go with the flow. That’s the whole purpose of this experiment. To document what happens when you go with the flow…with faith in a destined outcome.

Maybe all that fresh air has gone straight to my head and froze any sense of rational thinking I have left. Or, maybe it has awakened my skin, rejuvenated by body and ignited my spirit. All I know is that I feel better knowing what I don’t know.

Surfs up!

High-Heeled Guru

Quote of the day: “If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life? It is other life, it is love, which gives your life meaning. This is harmony. We must discover the joy of each other, the joy of challenge, the joy of growth.” —Mitsugi Saotome; Aikido instructor, author

When I need a little “sense of self” pick-me-up, I turn to my outfit. I know this sounds a bit corny and superficial, but surprisingly, it always seems to works wonders for the day. What’s even a greater surprise is that I was one of the biggest non-girlie jocks most of my life. It wasn’t until I started African dancing on Kauai that I got in touch with my more creative, feminine side.

Normally, I run out of the house in the morning dressing in record time. I’m always rushing. Always. I pull out of my closet simple and mostly appropriate clothing for my work environment. On most days, I don’t give my outfit much thought except for the weather conditions. This morning, while standing under a fountain of warm water in my much-to-be-desired shower, hoping to wake up, I thought about wearing one of my new pair of boots.

Now, this isn’t your average pair of snow boots. These are my high-heeled, black leathered, knee-high boots with a wide-strapped leather band over the top part of my foot, pulled into a silver circular buckle down by my ankle. I love them. I feel fabulous in them.

Because I wanted to wear the boots, well, feel fabulous today, it only made sense to wear a skirt. This is always a safe choice when I looking to feel more flavorful. At first I went for the fitted black skirt, which would have been an obvious, predictable choice, but since I’m being honest here, I didn’t choose it because it needed to be ironed and I didn’t have time for that. I continued to shop through the skirts I had hanging in my closet since no ironing would be required, and found a pleasant surprise.

More than three years ago, my husband and I traveled to the Ivory Coast, West Africa, to visit with his family for the first time. He hadn’t been back to his country since he left ten years prior and now he was bringing his wife. Yikes! We had a wonderful trip and one of the best parts was shopping in the markets and buying a bunch of African fabric. Set up on the streets in market-style are a number of tailors and we both had some clothes made with the fabric. I chose mostly skirts and today I put on one of them.

So with my fabulous black boots I slipped on a hip-hugging, black-brown-white-silver African-printed skirt with a yummy-feeling black turtleneck sweater and a chunky necklace strung with black-brown-silver-beads and a large, circular and silver pendant.

Perfect.

It’s amazing how an outfit can help me to feel more alive today…more like my Self.

Speaking from the girl who still carries around a wallet as her purse, never would I have thought I would blog about an outfit, but if you read between the lines, today’s entry isn’t really about an outfit. Is it?

Sitting in the Driver's Seat

Quote of the day: “Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” -- Andre Gide, French writer, humanist and moralist, 1947 nobel prize for literature.

The greatest challenge I have with this blog does not have to do with the task of sitting still to write nearly every day. My greatest challenge is actually getting in touch with how I am feeling. I used to think I was pretty connected with how I feel, but after two months of documenting this journey, I’m not nearly as connected as I thought.

What I mean by that is I’m a go-through-the-motions type of gal. I allow myself to get pulled in 10,000 directions. My greatest asset of adaptability has become my greatest weakness. I’ve become so accustom to fitting in everywhere, doing any sort of task or assignment—from marketing to public relations to accounting to secretary—that I have no clue what I actually enjoy doing or feel good at. Sure, I find a nugget of joy in everything I do in order to keep me spiritually intact, but this journey of faith and destiny has required me to get very honest with myself, and boy, have I not been living honestly.

When you truly believe and have faith in a spirit that’s bigger than you, and that it supports you back tenfold, then it gives you the courage to be honest because there is no longer the fear of not being able to handle the truth.

My living dishonestly has gotten to the point where I actually can’t see where the lie has become the truth and the truth has become the lie.

How did I get to this point?

It all started when I left Kauai around eight years ago. I felt so confident and comfortable in my spirit that I remember thinking and feeling I could be or do anything and it wouldn’t “affect” me. After years of breaking down the attachment to and understanding of an identity, I realized I could wait on tables, sweep floors, clean houses, be an executive, own a business—whatever it was that I did, it just didn’t matter. All that mattered was who I was doing all of these tasks.

This belief freed me to experience life in a new way. I moved to New York City with tremendous excitement. I gave myself permission to experience the joys of city life. After years of living in wondrous places of natural beauty, it felt only appropriate to experience the city—its own form of beauty. Without an external identity, you can do and be anything at any time, any place.

Because of this belief, I’ve continued to do many different jobs and be many different positions…and it now feels like many different people. All of which have taught me tremendously, yet, it has caused me great confusion. I feel like I’m spinning at the top of the twister. I’m embarrassed to say, it has affected me.

Although I do still belief it’s not what we do in this world that matters, but who we are doing it, I don’t like who I am at this moment in time because it doesn’t feel like me. Maybe it’s “me” coming full circle, coming back to my Self. Maybe I’ve had to get lost all of these years in order to come back home, refocus and reconnect for a rebirth. Maybe I haven’t been lost at all; that this is just part of the discovery process.

I don’t just want to do any job or any task anymore. I don’t know what that means—if I am less evolved or more evolved. All I know is that I’m looking for the sweet spot, where the spiritual me and world me collide. After eight years of allowing myself to be and do anything, I’m looking to reposition my place in this world to maximize my natural, spirited talents. Enough already. I’m tired. I’d like to simplify.

I yearn to take my Self back in order to give it again, though hopefully in a more balanced way. Although I’ve continuously tuned up my spirit during these past eight years of free wheelin’ to get through the years, it’s now time for a new ride…and preferably a hybrid.