Quote of the day: "At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict, or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child, or a parent.” —Barbara Bush; Wife Of The 41st President Of The United States
It’s basically a waiting game right now. There is an unknown variable floating around the decision pool and until I have confirmation, I am patiently treading water. Although, my arms will become quite tired if I wait too long.
I had the job interview I mentioned a few postings ago. It’s a very flexible part-time job, work from home, with benefits AND I’d be making only slightly less money than I am now working half the amount of time, without being tied to an office. It’s a communications position for a company I really, really love and support. This all kind of sounds too good to be true, right? How could I even question such an opportunity?
I am … Well, in truth, they haven’t offered it to me, so I don’t see any point in contemplating the position. If they offer it to me, well, then I’ll get focused. This is the variable I am speaking of.
My spirit feels a little absent these days. I’ve been giving more energy to the practical applications in life that I’ve been slightly disconnected from my source. This is never a “good” thing. I say this not in judgment, but in honest acknowledgment of my awareness. Any time I coast along, falling astray from my center, I always seem to end up in a puddle somewhere, usually made up of my own tears.
To step back from the madness of this week, over the weekend I enjoyed another Columbia Girls retreat. There were seven of us in attendance. As usual, we indulged ourselves in much-needed girl time. The wine doesn’t pour in quantities it once did not so long ago, which can be attributed to the many new additions of little fingers and toes into our circle. Whether one’s breast feeding or simply needing to remain somewhat astute in case a situation arises that requires parental alertness, the wine intake has reduced itself to modest quantities. However, those of us who remain kid-less tend to err on the side of larger quantities, and we carry no shame in doing so.
The content of our conversations are also changing. I believe we tallied close to 15 or so moments when we were discussing poop … children’s poop. This is definitely something we never used to talk about, but is obviously a testament to the direction many of our lives have taken.
We still gab about the good ‘ole days, reflecting on the all-time classic stories from the past. But what interested me most this past weekend was our conversations about our own personal “issue.” It all started with my friend Joy …
Dearest Joy has two beautiful, healthy young children. She is not only one of the most “mothering” out of all of us, she is also one of the most book-smart. Joy is a physical therapist by trade and graduated with honors. We have always been impressed by her smarts.
She was driving her car with Noelle, me and her baby Sam in tow. After an hour or so into the road trip, Joy bursts out into a monologue about her “issue.”
NOTE: We kept the issue talk singular for the weekend, so we didn’t become too overwhelmed with our imperfections.
Anyways, she proceeded to tell us how she has an inability to finish things, or give it her all, and reach her full potential in anything that she does. She broke this issue down into small tasks, such as unpacking. Joy never completely finishes unpacking. Or, leaving a dribble of juice left in the carton. She just doesn’t finish it. Then, she discussed how this issue affects her in larger aspects, such as in college. Joy put in enough effort to achieve good grades by society’s standards, but she didn’t give it her all.
All this insight made clear to her that her pattern of not finishing things or giving them her all protects her from failing because she can always say, “Well, I didn’t really give it my best.”
Noelle and I (and Sam who was sleeping in her car seat) were caught a bit off guard with her self-analysis, but were happy to engage. Later, when we were all together in Wendi’s house, we recapped our road trip and circled back to Joy’s disclosure. It didn’t take long for all us to begin discussing our “issue.” In fact, we helped to diagnose each other’s.
Whether we’re discussing children’s poop, old drunken stories, or our issues in life, we are destined to have fun, laugh and be joyful. After gathering like this, post-college, for 11 years now, we’ve become accustomed to the “high” of the weekend and the “low” of the going home and getting back into the swing of things. Yet, it is always, I mean always, an adjustment when Monday morning arrives and the girls are gone.
It is as if our web, our safety net, has been taken away from us once again, and we must once again re-enter the world on our own.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Getting To The Mountain Top
Quote of the day: “When we talk about understanding, surely it takes place only when the mind listens completely -- the mind being your heart, your nerves, your ears- when you give your whole attention to it.” —Jiddu Krishnamurti; writer, speaker
A major milestone has been achieved today.
I told my boss I was leaping.
Even though I am still about 6 weeks out from my projected departure date, there have been significant rumblings in our department about not filling vacant positions. With this news, I felt it was only appropriate to inform my boss, so she could prepare accordingly.
I sat down in one of the two chairs placed across from her desk at 8 a.m. this morning. She was out of town yesterday, so I inquired about her travels and we laughed over a few adventures she had. After the laughter subsided, I didn’t waste any more time getting to the reason why I called the meeting. I got right to the point and told her I needed to resign at the end of May.
“What!” she said in a shocked, yet non-attacking tone.
“I know, I know,” I said. “I’m so, so sorry.”
I began to shake.
She quickly dismissed my apologies as unnecessary and immediately inquired about what I’ve been thinking and feeling. She held a comfortable, non-threatening space that allowed me to divulge many of the confusions I have in my head about my career. She sat in her chair with her forearms crossed comfortably on her desk, allowing me to explain how I’ve been merely surviving … going through the motions … doing what I need to do … without knowing where I actually am in all of it.
She listened.
After I disclosed all I had been keeping from her, she invited me to relax, helping me to end the shakiness. She then began to disclose her own personal feelings of thinking about a change in career. She did this to validate my feelings, not to make the conversation about her. It was really gentle and comforting.
Then, the conversation shifted where she began to brainstorm other options for me regarding my departure date and/or a possible change in my current work schedule to keep me on staff. They are all good options and something for me to consider. She asked I spend some time weighing them, knowing that I may stay firm with the original timeline, which is OK.
As the conversation came to a close, she stood up from her desk, walked out from behind it, and gave me a big, huge hug.
I have never been more relieved in my life.
Thank you, Dearest God, Greatest Spirit, Creator of All, for blessing me with such a peaceful and supportive exchange. May today’s summit be the beginning of an ever greater journey into the unknown.
A major milestone has been achieved today.
I told my boss I was leaping.
Even though I am still about 6 weeks out from my projected departure date, there have been significant rumblings in our department about not filling vacant positions. With this news, I felt it was only appropriate to inform my boss, so she could prepare accordingly.
I sat down in one of the two chairs placed across from her desk at 8 a.m. this morning. She was out of town yesterday, so I inquired about her travels and we laughed over a few adventures she had. After the laughter subsided, I didn’t waste any more time getting to the reason why I called the meeting. I got right to the point and told her I needed to resign at the end of May.
“What!” she said in a shocked, yet non-attacking tone.
“I know, I know,” I said. “I’m so, so sorry.”
I began to shake.
She quickly dismissed my apologies as unnecessary and immediately inquired about what I’ve been thinking and feeling. She held a comfortable, non-threatening space that allowed me to divulge many of the confusions I have in my head about my career. She sat in her chair with her forearms crossed comfortably on her desk, allowing me to explain how I’ve been merely surviving … going through the motions … doing what I need to do … without knowing where I actually am in all of it.
She listened.
After I disclosed all I had been keeping from her, she invited me to relax, helping me to end the shakiness. She then began to disclose her own personal feelings of thinking about a change in career. She did this to validate my feelings, not to make the conversation about her. It was really gentle and comforting.
Then, the conversation shifted where she began to brainstorm other options for me regarding my departure date and/or a possible change in my current work schedule to keep me on staff. They are all good options and something for me to consider. She asked I spend some time weighing them, knowing that I may stay firm with the original timeline, which is OK.
As the conversation came to a close, she stood up from her desk, walked out from behind it, and gave me a big, huge hug.
I have never been more relieved in my life.
Thank you, Dearest God, Greatest Spirit, Creator of All, for blessing me with such a peaceful and supportive exchange. May today’s summit be the beginning of an ever greater journey into the unknown.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Time To Put The Big Girl Panties On
Quote of the day: “Thoughts lead on to purposes; purposes go forth in action; actions form habits; habits decide character; and character fixes our destiny.” —Tyron Edwards; theologian
Yesterday was a whirlwind. I didn’t even have a minute to blog. From the time I left the house in the morning until I returned in the evening around 9 p.m., it was just non-stop. The studio needs this week have been greater than usual, as well as the need for me to attend community meetings in the evenings. Plus, I’ve begun to inquire about “affordable” insurance plans for my husband and me to purchase since we’ll be losing our insurance coverage once I make the leap.
I quote the word affordable because it is absolutely ridiculous how these companies state that in their literature. It’s such a joke. Either the deductibles are insane or the monthly payments are exorbitant. You’re screwed either way, whether you have insurance or you don’t.
For example, I just found out this week that the mouth impression I am supposed to get made for me to wear during the night while I am sleeping to help with my TMJ is not going to be covered by the dental insurance that I do have now through the university, which is pretty good insurance. I even pay for the more “comprehensive” dental package. Get this: they told me that they would pay for 50% of the actual mouth piece, but would not pay for the x-rays and other tests required for my dentist to figure out how to create the mouth piece, which will cost me over $300. The mouth piece can run around $1000, so that will cost me $500. I pay around $80 month. So, for the year, I’ve paid them about $960. With the insurance coverage, I have to still pay an extra $800, so my total insurance and out-of-pocket costs are now $1760. If I didn’t have insurance, my total costs would be $1300. Hmm...
Neither is really affordable and none of it makes sense.
I also love how the meaning of the word affordable changes when a profitable company uses it. It is all relative. Try to have a low-income family use the word affordable when putting together rates for a plan and you'd see a drastic decrease in what would be considered affordable.
Enough of the rambling…the point is everything is getting all too real and clear these days about me leaping. In yesterday’s staff meeting at work, I realized I need to inform my boss sooner than I anticipated. That stressed me out, but it is the reality and needs to happen. I plan on speaking with her next week. I am petrified. I just care about her and feel bad about leaving her with the hassle of filling a position, if the administration even allows her to fill it. This is why I need to tell her sooner than later. For her to be prepared.
My mother also brought to my attention a very, very important detail that I had overlooked about the leap.
NOTE: I hadn't disclosed any of my intentions about leaping to my mother because it would merely stress her out, and frankly, stress me out. I love her dearly, but having faith in finding and creating purposeful work for oneself isn’t really her strong suit.
The only reason why I disclosed this information to her was because she started questioning me on the dog commitment, noting that I am never home, which is a valid argument. But, I will be more, soon, and I could not tell her that piece of information because it changes everything. Thankfully, she didn’t harbor on it when I asked her to not be concerned because I am working on finding a solution.
Although yesterday, she brought up a very good point, which is why we probably should always tell our mothers the truth in what’s going on for us. They tend to think of details we may overlook. In August, our car lease is up and we’ll need to sign a new one. Since we are a one-car family, this car is important. My mom enlightened me to the fact that we better turn in the car early and sign a new lease BEFORE I leap or else we won’t be able to get the loan.
Very, very good point. Thank God for moms.
Even with all these LATs (Life Administrative Tasks) coming to the forefront this week, I’m still feeling confident, hopeful and joyful for the choices I am making. Even though they say, “The devil is in the details,” I feel like the devil is actually in me doing nothing about the current state of my life. Action is key, even if it comes with the headache of deductibles, co-pays and cars loans.
Yesterday was a whirlwind. I didn’t even have a minute to blog. From the time I left the house in the morning until I returned in the evening around 9 p.m., it was just non-stop. The studio needs this week have been greater than usual, as well as the need for me to attend community meetings in the evenings. Plus, I’ve begun to inquire about “affordable” insurance plans for my husband and me to purchase since we’ll be losing our insurance coverage once I make the leap.
I quote the word affordable because it is absolutely ridiculous how these companies state that in their literature. It’s such a joke. Either the deductibles are insane or the monthly payments are exorbitant. You’re screwed either way, whether you have insurance or you don’t.
For example, I just found out this week that the mouth impression I am supposed to get made for me to wear during the night while I am sleeping to help with my TMJ is not going to be covered by the dental insurance that I do have now through the university, which is pretty good insurance. I even pay for the more “comprehensive” dental package. Get this: they told me that they would pay for 50% of the actual mouth piece, but would not pay for the x-rays and other tests required for my dentist to figure out how to create the mouth piece, which will cost me over $300. The mouth piece can run around $1000, so that will cost me $500. I pay around $80 month. So, for the year, I’ve paid them about $960. With the insurance coverage, I have to still pay an extra $800, so my total insurance and out-of-pocket costs are now $1760. If I didn’t have insurance, my total costs would be $1300. Hmm...
Neither is really affordable and none of it makes sense.
I also love how the meaning of the word affordable changes when a profitable company uses it. It is all relative. Try to have a low-income family use the word affordable when putting together rates for a plan and you'd see a drastic decrease in what would be considered affordable.
Enough of the rambling…the point is everything is getting all too real and clear these days about me leaping. In yesterday’s staff meeting at work, I realized I need to inform my boss sooner than I anticipated. That stressed me out, but it is the reality and needs to happen. I plan on speaking with her next week. I am petrified. I just care about her and feel bad about leaving her with the hassle of filling a position, if the administration even allows her to fill it. This is why I need to tell her sooner than later. For her to be prepared.
My mother also brought to my attention a very, very important detail that I had overlooked about the leap.
NOTE: I hadn't disclosed any of my intentions about leaping to my mother because it would merely stress her out, and frankly, stress me out. I love her dearly, but having faith in finding and creating purposeful work for oneself isn’t really her strong suit.
The only reason why I disclosed this information to her was because she started questioning me on the dog commitment, noting that I am never home, which is a valid argument. But, I will be more, soon, and I could not tell her that piece of information because it changes everything. Thankfully, she didn’t harbor on it when I asked her to not be concerned because I am working on finding a solution.
Although yesterday, she brought up a very good point, which is why we probably should always tell our mothers the truth in what’s going on for us. They tend to think of details we may overlook. In August, our car lease is up and we’ll need to sign a new one. Since we are a one-car family, this car is important. My mom enlightened me to the fact that we better turn in the car early and sign a new lease BEFORE I leap or else we won’t be able to get the loan.
Very, very good point. Thank God for moms.
Even with all these LATs (Life Administrative Tasks) coming to the forefront this week, I’m still feeling confident, hopeful and joyful for the choices I am making. Even though they say, “The devil is in the details,” I feel like the devil is actually in me doing nothing about the current state of my life. Action is key, even if it comes with the headache of deductibles, co-pays and cars loans.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Change Has Come
Quote of the day: “The vision that you glorify in your mind, the ideal that you enthrone in your heart - this you will build your life by, and this you will become.” —James Allen; philosophical writer, poet
A few weeks ago I blogged that I applied for a job I saw advertised in the Sunday classifieds and that I wasn’t sure what got into me. Anyways, I was contacted for an interview. I am very appreciative of the opportunity to learn more about the position and I look forward to connecting with the people during the interview. However, I am actually witnessing myself changing as a result of this journey I began three months ago and it’s pretty cool.
Side note: The journey didn’t really start in January. It started lifetimes ago, but you know what I mean.
The sort of changes I am referring to are my reactions. Although I am excited to learn more about this opportunity, I don’t feel desperate to take it, out of control or needy, even though I know I will be jobless (on purpose) in just over a month. I actually feel this sense of ease and confidence, not fear of the unknown. To be honest, I feel more of a sense of relief! And I don’t feel an intense level of pressure to know right now. All that I do know is I need to take some time to retreat, reflect and rejuvenate before I can know.
It’s as if I am becoming grounded in a completely new way … in a way that I have dreamt of, hoped for and wished to be true for this stage of my life.
First, with the major leap in my career life into the abyss and now with the major leap to become a dog owner in my personal life, I am at the beginning stages of living in alignment with my deepest desires.
This is cool. Very cool.
On the downside, as I become less stressed about the job situation, I see my husband becoming more. My heart aches for him. I know he feels a greater burden and my hope isn’t for this to be so. I would never wish for my joy to create more pain for him.
How the intertwining of lives creates this ebb and flow…ying and yang…
So it is.
A few weeks ago I blogged that I applied for a job I saw advertised in the Sunday classifieds and that I wasn’t sure what got into me. Anyways, I was contacted for an interview. I am very appreciative of the opportunity to learn more about the position and I look forward to connecting with the people during the interview. However, I am actually witnessing myself changing as a result of this journey I began three months ago and it’s pretty cool.
Side note: The journey didn’t really start in January. It started lifetimes ago, but you know what I mean.
The sort of changes I am referring to are my reactions. Although I am excited to learn more about this opportunity, I don’t feel desperate to take it, out of control or needy, even though I know I will be jobless (on purpose) in just over a month. I actually feel this sense of ease and confidence, not fear of the unknown. To be honest, I feel more of a sense of relief! And I don’t feel an intense level of pressure to know right now. All that I do know is I need to take some time to retreat, reflect and rejuvenate before I can know.
It’s as if I am becoming grounded in a completely new way … in a way that I have dreamt of, hoped for and wished to be true for this stage of my life.
First, with the major leap in my career life into the abyss and now with the major leap to become a dog owner in my personal life, I am at the beginning stages of living in alignment with my deepest desires.
This is cool. Very cool.
On the downside, as I become less stressed about the job situation, I see my husband becoming more. My heart aches for him. I know he feels a greater burden and my hope isn’t for this to be so. I would never wish for my joy to create more pain for him.
How the intertwining of lives creates this ebb and flow…ying and yang…
So it is.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Furry, Cuddly, And All Mine
Quote of the day: “At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict, or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child, or a parent.” —Barbara Bush; Wife Of The 41st President Of The United States
There were significant chapters opened and closed from Friday until today. I feel like a lot has happened in such a short amount of time, but life always seems to roll like that.
Last Friday, our second family pet had to be put to sleep. He was technically my mom’s cat, but we all just loved him so much. She adopted him when he was a kitty and all of us kids were either in college or newly out of college. He was adorable and one of the most friendly, loving cats I’ve ever met. He acted similarly to a dog where he would come when you would call his name and jump up on your lap to be petted. He also weighed about 25 pounds, so he was one big cat!
His legal name was Dublin, but we all called him “Big Kitty.” It seemed to fit him.
After 14 or so years, he became ill and was ready to pass. Thankfully my brother was home and able to go with my mom to the vet’s to help with the transition. I felt so bad for my mom and brother. Both of them felt the heaviest load of grief.
So on Friday evening, after all was said and done, I spent the night at my mom’s, sitting around talking about Big Kitty and how much we’ll miss him. She was tempted to go right out and get another cat that day, but she didn’t. Although my father truly loved Big Kitty, he’s ready for their house to be animal-free, especially since he’ll be retiring by the end of next year. My mom understands this thought process with her head, but her heart yearns for another pet to love and care for.
Stepping aside from this topic for a moment, which we’ll get back to, one of my favorite breeds of dog are Pugs. I just love their personalities. I had the privilege to live with one in my early twenties that was my roommate’s dog. His name was Sammy. Oh, how I loved Sammy. He was a wonderful friend.
Anyways, I have never owned my own dog. We had a dog growing up, but of course my mom mostly took care of him. I have never been solely responsible for a dog. I have never been the “mom,” but I knew I always wanted to be a dog owner, though I just didn’t know when that would be. I loved dogs too much to just get one when I my lifestyle wasn’t appropriate for one. So, I’ve been waiting. Waiting for the right time to commit. Waiting for me to be settled enough. Waiting, for now.
More than a year ago, I sent in an application to the Pug Rescue Society of CNY. I began to feel the time was coming. Months passed and I didn’t hear anything from them about available pugs, so I just thought the timing must not be right. Then, Monday of last week, I got the urge to check their web site to see if they had any to adopt, and much to my surprise, there were a few new arrivals displayed right on the home page! I immediately called and asked if I could come and meet the dogs. She said, “Of course!”
I kept this news to myself. My husband isn’t the biggest fan of the breed, so I’ve always known that if I was really serious about getting a pug, it would take me convincing him. Or, begging him.
Last week was a difficult week, as my postings displayed, so I merely trucked along with each day, until Friday. Friday I felt a little better until the news of Big Kitty’s passing. Suddenly, the timing seemed right. On Sunday I went with my friend Jill to visit the dogs. Out of the three that they had for adoption, only one is the dog for me. He is perfect. His name is Charlie.
And just like that, I went home, bore my soul to my husband, pleading for his approval, and he thankfully obliged.
Because of some logistical reasons, I won’t be bringing him home until Friday, April 23. I have the next two weeks to get the house all ready for him. I’m so excited.
Last night I smiled myself to sleep, really. And it was the first time in as long as I can remember that I couldn’t wait for the morning to come because tonight we are going to visit again.
All for the love of an animal who I’ve yet to know.
It feels so good.
There were significant chapters opened and closed from Friday until today. I feel like a lot has happened in such a short amount of time, but life always seems to roll like that.
Last Friday, our second family pet had to be put to sleep. He was technically my mom’s cat, but we all just loved him so much. She adopted him when he was a kitty and all of us kids were either in college or newly out of college. He was adorable and one of the most friendly, loving cats I’ve ever met. He acted similarly to a dog where he would come when you would call his name and jump up on your lap to be petted. He also weighed about 25 pounds, so he was one big cat!
His legal name was Dublin, but we all called him “Big Kitty.” It seemed to fit him.
After 14 or so years, he became ill and was ready to pass. Thankfully my brother was home and able to go with my mom to the vet’s to help with the transition. I felt so bad for my mom and brother. Both of them felt the heaviest load of grief.
So on Friday evening, after all was said and done, I spent the night at my mom’s, sitting around talking about Big Kitty and how much we’ll miss him. She was tempted to go right out and get another cat that day, but she didn’t. Although my father truly loved Big Kitty, he’s ready for their house to be animal-free, especially since he’ll be retiring by the end of next year. My mom understands this thought process with her head, but her heart yearns for another pet to love and care for.
Stepping aside from this topic for a moment, which we’ll get back to, one of my favorite breeds of dog are Pugs. I just love their personalities. I had the privilege to live with one in my early twenties that was my roommate’s dog. His name was Sammy. Oh, how I loved Sammy. He was a wonderful friend.
Anyways, I have never owned my own dog. We had a dog growing up, but of course my mom mostly took care of him. I have never been solely responsible for a dog. I have never been the “mom,” but I knew I always wanted to be a dog owner, though I just didn’t know when that would be. I loved dogs too much to just get one when I my lifestyle wasn’t appropriate for one. So, I’ve been waiting. Waiting for the right time to commit. Waiting for me to be settled enough. Waiting, for now.
More than a year ago, I sent in an application to the Pug Rescue Society of CNY. I began to feel the time was coming. Months passed and I didn’t hear anything from them about available pugs, so I just thought the timing must not be right. Then, Monday of last week, I got the urge to check their web site to see if they had any to adopt, and much to my surprise, there were a few new arrivals displayed right on the home page! I immediately called and asked if I could come and meet the dogs. She said, “Of course!”
I kept this news to myself. My husband isn’t the biggest fan of the breed, so I’ve always known that if I was really serious about getting a pug, it would take me convincing him. Or, begging him.
Last week was a difficult week, as my postings displayed, so I merely trucked along with each day, until Friday. Friday I felt a little better until the news of Big Kitty’s passing. Suddenly, the timing seemed right. On Sunday I went with my friend Jill to visit the dogs. Out of the three that they had for adoption, only one is the dog for me. He is perfect. His name is Charlie.
And just like that, I went home, bore my soul to my husband, pleading for his approval, and he thankfully obliged.
Because of some logistical reasons, I won’t be bringing him home until Friday, April 23. I have the next two weeks to get the house all ready for him. I’m so excited.
Last night I smiled myself to sleep, really. And it was the first time in as long as I can remember that I couldn’t wait for the morning to come because tonight we are going to visit again.
All for the love of an animal who I’ve yet to know.
It feels so good.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Slow and Steady
Quote of the day: “Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves.” —John Muir; naturalist, author
Today I have been creating my first “writing/editing” resume and have been putting together some samples for a meeting I have tomorrow. I finally have a finely tuned Communications resume, but it’s too generic for a writing job. Anyways, tomorrow I am connecting with the editor of a campus publication, which I love and have always admired, to introduce myself and my work for potential freelance opportunities with this publication. They work with freelancers on a limited basis, but I would fully embrace their limitations :).
As I’ve been sifting through my writing samples, it has been healing to read some of my past work. I used to write a column titled, “Living Well,” in a newsletter, which ran four hard-copy issues before it went electronic. I spent some time this morning looking over the columns and it was fascinating to read my words on “wellness of Self” back at me. Because of the deflated state I’ve been in, it almost felt like I was reading the words of a stranger…a livelier, more balanced and spiritually fulfilled person than I. But yet, it was me who had written those uplifting and honest words. The best of me.
Thankfully, the feeling of a stranger lasted only for a moment, and with much grace and ease I began to feel my Self again as the voice of my written word gave breath to a sleeping beauty. She has yet to fully awaken, but at least I can feel her beginning to show signs of life. It’s a slow process, always, transitioning from the fatigue. As with hiking, which I love, you don’t just suddenly get to the peak. It requires multiple steps and tremendous patience and perseverance.
Today, I have made it not only to the trailhead, but past it. I have begun the ascent, though I have a feeling I will be resting in a lean-to fairly soon. I don’t want to get too ahead of myself where I burn out on the rock face, fall and hurt myself.
Little by little.
Thanks for all your love from yesterday’s exposure. It's amazing how disclosing my emotions always helps me to move forward. Last night I managed to put away two baskets of laundry, the dishes in the dish rack and follow up on six items on my dance centre to-do list. That was an accomplishment for me, but not as significant of an accomplishment as me being honest with how I feel, free from shame and the judgment of others.
Today I have been creating my first “writing/editing” resume and have been putting together some samples for a meeting I have tomorrow. I finally have a finely tuned Communications resume, but it’s too generic for a writing job. Anyways, tomorrow I am connecting with the editor of a campus publication, which I love and have always admired, to introduce myself and my work for potential freelance opportunities with this publication. They work with freelancers on a limited basis, but I would fully embrace their limitations :).
As I’ve been sifting through my writing samples, it has been healing to read some of my past work. I used to write a column titled, “Living Well,” in a newsletter, which ran four hard-copy issues before it went electronic. I spent some time this morning looking over the columns and it was fascinating to read my words on “wellness of Self” back at me. Because of the deflated state I’ve been in, it almost felt like I was reading the words of a stranger…a livelier, more balanced and spiritually fulfilled person than I. But yet, it was me who had written those uplifting and honest words. The best of me.
Thankfully, the feeling of a stranger lasted only for a moment, and with much grace and ease I began to feel my Self again as the voice of my written word gave breath to a sleeping beauty. She has yet to fully awaken, but at least I can feel her beginning to show signs of life. It’s a slow process, always, transitioning from the fatigue. As with hiking, which I love, you don’t just suddenly get to the peak. It requires multiple steps and tremendous patience and perseverance.
Today, I have made it not only to the trailhead, but past it. I have begun the ascent, though I have a feeling I will be resting in a lean-to fairly soon. I don’t want to get too ahead of myself where I burn out on the rock face, fall and hurt myself.
Little by little.
Thanks for all your love from yesterday’s exposure. It's amazing how disclosing my emotions always helps me to move forward. Last night I managed to put away two baskets of laundry, the dishes in the dish rack and follow up on six items on my dance centre to-do list. That was an accomplishment for me, but not as significant of an accomplishment as me being honest with how I feel, free from shame and the judgment of others.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Truth Hurts, Sometimes
Quote of the day: “Live your life from your heart. Share from your heart. And your story will touch and heal people's souls.” —Melody Beattie; author, journalist
I was telling my friend Linda yesterday that I had attempted to craft my daily blog entry, but I just couldn’t do it. I had nothing…zip, zilch, nada. Well, nothing positive. I felt a slight recovery from Monday’s holiday hangover, but not enough to get me going. My energy has been so low and I feel so fatigued that I couldn’t even begin to put a sentence together.
So last night, after teaching my dance and drum classes, which made me feel spectacular, I began to ask myself why it is all well and good to blog when I am feeling hopeful and positive, but not when I am sad, angry, fatigued and depressed? If the whole purpose of this experiment is to document the process of following one’s faith and destiny, then wouldn’t it make sense to include ALL of the journey, not just the feel-good stretches?
Over the past few months of blogging I have included some low moments, so it wouldn’t seem out of the ordinary for me to do so. But this feeling is different. I’ve been wanting to escape…to softly and silently drift away…to disappear.
When you feel like disappearing, the last thing you want to do is give voice to it. That would actually be the antithesis of disappearing for me because giving voice to my feeling helps me to be present. When I want to disappear, I’m looking to avoid the present.
My short-lived life has taught me that “this too shall pass.” That what I really need to do is rest and retreat, spiritually, but who am I to need rest. I’m not fighting a war, or raising children, or saving lives. So, again, who am I to need rest?
I can berate myself all I want, but it won’t help. I don’t feel any closer to pulling myself up by my boot straps merely because I’ve attempted to shame myself into doing so. In fact, it makes me feel even more like a loser.
Where are the people who simply struggle with the tasks of everyday life? Where are the people who just can’t put the clothes they wear that day away, or the basket of clean laundry in their rightful place, or the dishes in the dish drain in the cupboard, or the piles of random papers and mail on their dining room table where they should be, or the 10,000 pairs of shoes in front of the front door in their respective closets? Am I the only one? Am I the only one who cannot stay on top of her life administrative tasks?
They never end these tasks. You wash the dishes from dinner only to find them dirty again the next day. You hang up your pile of clothes only to remove them and be burdened once again with their placement. They never, ever, end.
Depressed? Yes. Does it hurt? Yes. I hate those “Cymbalta” depression commercials on TV because they make me feel bad just watching them. If you’ve ever struggled with depression, you know how bad it sucks. And, medication sometimes is and isn’t the best solution. I know for me, it’s not.
I haven’t even touched on the shame, guilt and anxiety I am feeling about all the work that needs to be done for our dance studio that I can’t even begin to do. I feel like it’s slipping away from me and that’s scaring me.
I have in fact already disappeared. I am here in body, but not in spirit. I am off floating around somewhere in the ether. If anyone who reads this is a viewer of the TV show “LOST,” I have left the alternate reality and am dangling in the timeline on the island.
I’ll leave it at that.
I was telling my friend Linda yesterday that I had attempted to craft my daily blog entry, but I just couldn’t do it. I had nothing…zip, zilch, nada. Well, nothing positive. I felt a slight recovery from Monday’s holiday hangover, but not enough to get me going. My energy has been so low and I feel so fatigued that I couldn’t even begin to put a sentence together.
So last night, after teaching my dance and drum classes, which made me feel spectacular, I began to ask myself why it is all well and good to blog when I am feeling hopeful and positive, but not when I am sad, angry, fatigued and depressed? If the whole purpose of this experiment is to document the process of following one’s faith and destiny, then wouldn’t it make sense to include ALL of the journey, not just the feel-good stretches?
Over the past few months of blogging I have included some low moments, so it wouldn’t seem out of the ordinary for me to do so. But this feeling is different. I’ve been wanting to escape…to softly and silently drift away…to disappear.
When you feel like disappearing, the last thing you want to do is give voice to it. That would actually be the antithesis of disappearing for me because giving voice to my feeling helps me to be present. When I want to disappear, I’m looking to avoid the present.
My short-lived life has taught me that “this too shall pass.” That what I really need to do is rest and retreat, spiritually, but who am I to need rest. I’m not fighting a war, or raising children, or saving lives. So, again, who am I to need rest?
I can berate myself all I want, but it won’t help. I don’t feel any closer to pulling myself up by my boot straps merely because I’ve attempted to shame myself into doing so. In fact, it makes me feel even more like a loser.
Where are the people who simply struggle with the tasks of everyday life? Where are the people who just can’t put the clothes they wear that day away, or the basket of clean laundry in their rightful place, or the dishes in the dish drain in the cupboard, or the piles of random papers and mail on their dining room table where they should be, or the 10,000 pairs of shoes in front of the front door in their respective closets? Am I the only one? Am I the only one who cannot stay on top of her life administrative tasks?
They never end these tasks. You wash the dishes from dinner only to find them dirty again the next day. You hang up your pile of clothes only to remove them and be burdened once again with their placement. They never, ever, end.
Depressed? Yes. Does it hurt? Yes. I hate those “Cymbalta” depression commercials on TV because they make me feel bad just watching them. If you’ve ever struggled with depression, you know how bad it sucks. And, medication sometimes is and isn’t the best solution. I know for me, it’s not.
I haven’t even touched on the shame, guilt and anxiety I am feeling about all the work that needs to be done for our dance studio that I can’t even begin to do. I feel like it’s slipping away from me and that’s scaring me.
I have in fact already disappeared. I am here in body, but not in spirit. I am off floating around somewhere in the ether. If anyone who reads this is a viewer of the TV show “LOST,” I have left the alternate reality and am dangling in the timeline on the island.
I’ll leave it at that.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Holiday Hangover
Quote of the day: “People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.” —Audrey Hepburn; actress, humanitarian
Amen, to today’s quote. Yes, people do need all of those “R”s and I’m one of them.
This long weekend was a spectacular introduction to spring. The extra day off was pleasant and the good weather was plentiful. I enjoyed many hours sitting, biking and walking under the sun, in the warm air. I felt a sense of renewal and rejuvenation.
Now, Monday has hit and the renewal has flown right out the window. Sunday’s joyous day of family, food and wine leaves me sitting at my desk, staring at the computer with a big fat holiday hangover. Oh yes, holiday hangovers are much different than the usual drinking-too-much hangover. Holiday hangovers involve more than the obvious ingredient of alcohol. They also include a large dose of family hoopla coupled with a grand overconsumption of food and desserts. While all of these ingredients are great, they are sure to create a hangover of some sort.
Note to self: The day AFTER a holiday is the most important day to take off.
Amen, to today’s quote. Yes, people do need all of those “R”s and I’m one of them.
This long weekend was a spectacular introduction to spring. The extra day off was pleasant and the good weather was plentiful. I enjoyed many hours sitting, biking and walking under the sun, in the warm air. I felt a sense of renewal and rejuvenation.
Now, Monday has hit and the renewal has flown right out the window. Sunday’s joyous day of family, food and wine leaves me sitting at my desk, staring at the computer with a big fat holiday hangover. Oh yes, holiday hangovers are much different than the usual drinking-too-much hangover. Holiday hangovers involve more than the obvious ingredient of alcohol. They also include a large dose of family hoopla coupled with a grand overconsumption of food and desserts. While all of these ingredients are great, they are sure to create a hangover of some sort.
Note to self: The day AFTER a holiday is the most important day to take off.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Never A Dull Moment
Luckily spirit did move me once we sat down to chat, and I left her office an hour later. It was a reflective conversation. At first, she asked me what I was interested in doing, and just like that, I began expressing thoughts and ideas I hadn’t really formed or expressed externally. In a matter of moments, I was presenting myself as a presenter of mind/body/spirit workshops with and not with dance.
Hmmm. How did that happen?
All I know is that my spirit must have been present because my rational self would have never said that. I did notice my rational self jump in the conversation at one point when she mentioned a job opportunity in her department. Although it didn’t necessarily speak directly to my areas of interest, I heard myself make a comment about my “openness to all opportunities.” Even though this statement is very true, if I am being honest, I said it because I got scared…scared of positioning myself solely as an artist.
The conversation about my interests ended after 20 minutes and it seamlessly transitioned into discussing her life path. It was incredible. She is a very open and honest woman, much like myself, so basically, we just shot the shit. I asked her how she got to where she is today, and with a smile of her face, she said, “A lot of luck.”
For the next forty minutes we discussed some of the ups, downs, twists and turns in her life. It was captivating. Her energy and enthusiasm for life were infectious. My favorite part of our conversation was when I asked her if she had ever “leaped” and she said, “All the time! I always take risks.”
I loved that.
Hmmm. How did that happen?
All I know is that my spirit must have been present because my rational self would have never said that. I did notice my rational self jump in the conversation at one point when she mentioned a job opportunity in her department. Although it didn’t necessarily speak directly to my areas of interest, I heard myself make a comment about my “openness to all opportunities.” Even though this statement is very true, if I am being honest, I said it because I got scared…scared of positioning myself solely as an artist.
The conversation about my interests ended after 20 minutes and it seamlessly transitioned into discussing her life path. It was incredible. She is a very open and honest woman, much like myself, so basically, we just shot the shit. I asked her how she got to where she is today, and with a smile of her face, she said, “A lot of luck.”
For the next forty minutes we discussed some of the ups, downs, twists and turns in her life. It was captivating. Her energy and enthusiasm for life were infectious. My favorite part of our conversation was when I asked her if she had ever “leaped” and she said, “All the time! I always take risks.”
I loved that.
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