Weathering the Storm

Quote of the day: “Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in.”—Alan Alda; actor, director, screenwriter

It has been a busy few weeks to say the least. I’m not into recapping the events that distracted me from writing. I am more interested in the fact that I always seem to dismiss the acts that bring me peace, balance and a feeling of connection when the business of life knocks at my door. This, to me, is critical awareness of my own patterns and behaviors that have led to repeated cycles of imbalance.

Why is it that when our to-do list lengthens our self-care list shortens? No longer does the immediate, knee-jerk answer of, “Because there is not enough time,” seem logical to me. It once did, but not anymore. It actually feels illogical to me that I would remove the rituals in my life that bring me peace and harmony in order to complete other life tasks. It’s illogical because I will have lost myself in the process of completing the tasks, which in turn will affect my experience when completing the tasks, i.e. I’ll become miserable, and potentially the outcome of the tasks. If anything is to be removed from my lists in order to get done all that I need to get done, it will be my external commitments or expectations.

This awareness of my pattern helps me to better understand how I am in the imbalanced space that I am in today; however, the real challenge is in me being able to change this pattern. Awareness is one thing, and a very important step in the process of change, but I must not stop there. The next step for me is being able to use my voice.

In looking back over the past three weeks, which included organizing the public relations, marketing and reception efforts for a benefit performance at our studio, along with coordinating our teachers and students in putting together presentations, and negotiating a new lease with our landlord, and at work getting 32 pages of content and photos to our designer, while unpacking more than 40 file cabinets at into a new filing system, I’ve realized that one way in which I could have also been a positive leader to my Self is by using my voice. What I mean by that is I could have asked for the time that I needed. More specifically, one of my daily practices that strongly influences the rest of my day is being able to sit quietly for a little bit in the morning. I could have asked my boss if I could alter my hours during those crazy weeks for me to be able to get the time that I need. Yes, she could have said no, but I just assumed that I didn’t have any options. I just assumed that I had no choices. I could have asked. I can’t help but to wonder how often I live my life according to the assumptions that I make.

I’m thankful I’ve recognized this pattern in me because I can choose to change it. Before, I don’t think I noticed the pattern.

I also realized one other important piece of my human-self puzzle during this non-writing phase, and that is I avoid writing when I am scared to feel, or in denial of, my emotions. This is a huge “Aha” moment, as Oprah would say, because I so desperately in my soul desire a life of literary art. And, it is precisely my ability to connect with my emotions that allows me to write because I am then feeling. If I’m not “feeling” life, then I have nothing to say because I am basically just living in survival mode.

However, the stress and strain was so intense that I didn’t want to feel any more than what I was feeling. I couldn’t have handled it! I needed to stay in survival mode in order TO SURVIVE! (hence why they call it survival mode).

Now, I’ve made it through … I’m on the other side. I have weathered the storm and am picking up the pieces of my Self one by one, starting with this entry.

Thank you for holding me.