Not Your Average Spring Cleaning

Quote of the day: “Be yourself. There is something that you can do better than any other. Listen to the inward voice and bravely obey that.” —Unknown Author

The “new” work has begun. I’m in my third day of a four-day movement workshop and it has been quite the experience already. I’ve completely stepped out of my comfort zone in terms of “work,” and into my artist zone. This is all new territory for me. Well, not really. I need to be honest with myself. I have been doing this work for 8 years now. It just has now evolved into a new form.

There are moments where I am completely and utterly terrified. I begin to doubt my Self, my talents, my expression. I feel consumed by the fear of failure. And then, just when the darkness is ready to seal me shut for good, I muster the strength to reach my fingers, then hands, arms, head, shoulders, chest, hips, knees and feet out from under its curse and I step freely into the unknown. I perform.

Being with my husband, who is a professional artist, for the past six years, has had a tremendous influence on me. I’ve had the privilege to witness the life of a working artist. I’ve joined him in the studios, on the stage, in the classrooms and in the media. I’ve nurtured his growth in this city and state. I’ve been his right-hand woman; there to write press releases, resumes, biographies, grant proposals, business plans, flyers, contracts and invoices; to create videos and a web site. I’ve been with him, step by step, as he’s worked, and I’ve worked, to create the dance center of his dreams.

With all this time and energy spent being his partner, I’ve had the opportunity to learn from him as an artist. I’ve watched his mannerisms, how he interacts with the public, how he presents his work, how he communicates his passion, and how he represents himself as an artist. What most impressed me when I first met him is still what impresses me the most today, and it is his professionalism … the way he trusts himself in his work and his ability to not waiver from it.

What has been my greatest challenge in being partnered with an established working artist is that I’ve never felt there was room for me to pursue my creative passions full-time. I’ve always felt stuck, needing to work the day job to bring home the benefits and steady paycheck. Because of this, I’ve dismissed my own artistic dreams and desires. I’ve compared myself to him and felt “less than,” which has discouraged me on my own artistic path. And, to be fair, though not to blame, he has discouraged me from pursuing such a path, for he has lived the struggles, the highs and lows, free from the romanticized ideology of what it means to be a working artist.

I wouldn’t be telling the whole truth about this internal conflict if I didn’t touch upon the many times I’ve wondered what my life would look like, artistically and creatively, if I hadn’t married a professional artist. Would I have recognized and accepted my creative Self sooner? Would I have developed my talents faster if I hadn’t been putting them on the back seat this whole time? Would I have taken creative risks earlier before the mound of “adult” responsibilities bestowed upon my shoulders?

Don’t get me wrong. I love my husband, and I love being married to him. It’s just that I haven’t found room for my artistic Self in our marriage over the past six years. And I haven’t found the room because I never made it a priority.

Now, it’s a priority, and thankfully, he trusts himself enough to be still as I wipe away the dust from my once adventurous, free-spirited self and reintroduce her to our lives.

Spring Cleaning: To Do List - in no particular order and still in creation

1). Resign from my office job. DONE
2). Get a pug. DONE
3). Take some time off. IN PROGRESS
4). Act on my creative inspirations with movement each day. IN PROGRESS
5). Write on a daily basis. IN PROGRESS
6). Write a book.
7). Publish the book.
8). Plant a vegetable garden.
9). Landscape front yard and back yard.
10). Paint back deck and add flower boxes.
11). Have a baby.
12). Follow my bliss - do what feels good. IN PROGRESS