The Wisdom in Weeding

Quote of the day: “Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.” —Marcus Aurelius; roman emporer

Even though my postings are becoming sparser, let me be clear it is not a sign of me losing commitment to this journey. It is just that I am in a transitory phase of the journey, like when the baby is beginning to drop and head into the birth canal (if that is even how it goes; I don’t have children yet).

My days at work are numbered. It is official. I am leaping on July 9. With this being said, there are a number of tasks I need to complete and projects I need to wrap up before I leave. I need to get a whole issue of the magazine I am in charge of done. My days are busier with this end date in sight.

It is also official that I will be leaping without a place to land, unless something drastic happens within the next 6 weeks. The Communications Manager position I had interviewed for a few weeks back decided for me that it wasn’t the direction I should take. However, I was on the university’s HR web site yesterday to inform myself on benefit information and decided to pop on over to the “Jobs” section. I don’t why I continue to do this to myself.

Well, I saw a posting for a job that would have been PERFECT for me just a few months ago. It is the ideal “office” job for me at this university, if there is such thing as an ideal office job. It is actually in alignment with my passion for one of the university’s major initiatives, and a follow-up position to one of the many meetings I had on campus. I even meet the qualification guidelines. Who knows if I’d even get an interview, but if this was the past, I would have submitted my resume within hours after discovering the posting. Yet, it is the present, and I am so close to passing on it. So close.

Actually, let me go read the posting again right now and see how I feel. It’s a new day. I’ll be right back…

OK, I’m back, and still conflicted. My feelings haven’t changed. On paper, it’s perfect – working in the public arts field with 80+ colleges, organizing regional meetings and a national conference, writing/editing publications and papers, working on grants, and most importantly, teaching a course on the initiative with the director. Wow. Could it look any better? Oh, yes, it would definitely be more money too.

Why the hesitation on my end? Why not at least apply? After months of meeting with various people and departments on campus, introducing myself and inquiring about a position such as this, why suddenly the change of heart? One of my meetings was actually with the director of this position.

Because it is still an office job … someone else’s office. The structure of my days would remain the same. There may be some flexibility that I am not aware of, but it is listed as standard university hours. I would still not be addressing the fact that I do have my own business to run, which calls me during the night hours, wondering why I don’t give it my all.

Sometime, over the past few weeks, a shift occurred within me. It was triggered by the contemplation of the Communications Manager job. As I daydreamed about taking the position, I couldn’t help but to wonder why I keep utilizing my skills for other companies and initiatives while I put my own company and initiatives on the back burner. I continued to ask myself, why do I resist working for my own company, full-time, giving it 110%?

I received an answer. It’s not just my company. It is also my husband’s and the “working together” has been and currently is my main source of resistance.

It’s not fun.

You see, it has always been his dream. I was merely the student, the administrator, the communicator, the secretary. And, within these roles, I found myself feeling resentful towards him. Not to mention I also felt unbelievably burdened because my lifestyle became daytime = job; nighttime = job; marriage = business.

I have a whole bucket of messy feelings I’ve been using to paint my experience with the dance business. My real “Aha” moment came last week when I was on vacation. I was weeding out my garden, getting it ready for planting, and I began to settle into the feeling of managing my own time. Ah. With this feeling, my spirit instantly aligned with the dance business and I began to feel joy. This is when the answer to my question arrived … I guess I wasn’t only weeding the garden.

As life would have it, later in the week my husband and I got into an argument at the studio. He was upset about something and was not fully informed on how I had handled the situation, so he jumped to conclusions and lashed out at me. I, in return, picked up my bag from under the front desk, and walked out. I refused to be spoken to in such a manner. I would never tolerate that from a boss at a day job, so there was no way I was going to tolerate it from him and he’s not my boss. Can you sense my attitude? :)

Later that evening he apologized and we entered a long discussion about our challenges in working together. There was no official resolution at the end of our conversation, but it was the first time I verbally expressed to him the root of my resistance, pulling on the day’s conflict as a perfect example of why I feel the way I feel. He listened, although it wasn’t easy for him to hear. I have never been so honest with him and myself before.

Getting back to this amazing job posting, as much as I believe it could be so right, working within the world of arts and academia, earning a larger salary, publishing papers and teaching a class – oh my! – I still can’t deny how wrong it feels. What feels right is the phone call I just received, asking if I could do a movement class with parents and their children and a dialogue session about mind/body connection. This, within less than minute, I said, “Yes! I can do that!”

Movement. I need movement…

I do have until May 10th to apply. We’ll see what happens over the next few days.

‘Til then … Aloha.

NOTE: The literal meaning of aloha is “the presence of breath” or “the breath of life.” It comes from “Alo,” meaning presence, front and face, and “ha,” meaning breath. Aloha is a way of living and treating each other with love and respect. Its deep meaning starts by teaching ourselves to love our own beings first and afterwards to spread the love to others.