Quote of the day: “Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.” —Alex Tan
My dear boss informed me yesterday that the office will be taking me out for a going-away-party lunch on Friday (with cocktails) and that I am to go home after the party because it doesn’t make sense to then go back to work, even though next Friday (July 9) is my official last day. I was really touched by this invitation and am looking forward to it.
So I’ve been brainstorming gift ideas to give my fellow comrades at the party. My closest friends know that I’m not really a “gift” person, meaning I’m not someone who buys “stuff” to give others. I’m more of a heartfelt, tell-you-I-love-you and appreciate-you kind of person. Thinking about Friday’s lunch has started to make this leap feel much more real, along with me filing away all the miscellaneous stuff on my desk. I continue to point out how influential the past month of busyness has affected me, and today I see clearly how detached I am from the reality of me about to step away from this office. I know there has to be way more emotion hidden beneath some layer inside of me because I am a super emotional person, and up to this point, the well has been pretty dry. I did, however, have a small breakthrough today.
I wasn’t up for exercising on my lunch break because our morning meeting ran late and by the time we ended, I was too hungry to work out. I needed to eat lunch. So instead, after I ate, I journeyed to my favorite retreat spot on campus, the University’s chapel, and picked up a cup of coffee.
Last summer I spent many, many lunch hours in the chapel reading, praying or resting. It is a beautiful, majestic space. I often prayed for the wisdom, patience and spiritual strength to make a change in my work life. And now, one year later, I’m making the change … the layer began to peal.
I thanked the chapel for holding me this past year, for allowing me to express my feelings and for giving me a space to connect with my innate holiness. I cried in gratitude.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
The Delicate Art of Balance
Quote of the day: “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” —Helen Keller; author, lecturer, activist
Part of this “regrouping of Self” effort I’ve put into place over the past week has been to sit in silence. Oh, I forget how restful it feels to spend time alone, in the quiet, only to hear the sound of the moment. I think it’s truly the only time I am actually present. I love how you can feel the present in moments of silence. It fills me up like a delicious meal.
Another important element to this rejuvenation effort has been to spend more time in nature. Just the other day when I was spending some quite time alone my spirit was instantly drawn into memories of being on the beach in Kauai. Because it is such a special place of peace, harmony and balance for me that whenever I feel inklings of these feelings I am immediately reminded of my time there. The elements of nature are so exposed and accessible, and they always seem to spark visions and dreams for my future. Hopping on a plane and retreating to Kauai isn’t an option at this moment, so getting myself out in the beauty that surrounds me here in Central New York is a must, and has continually proved to be a necessity.
I am two weeks away from the leap and I find it ironic that before I was swept up into that crazy four-week span I was feeling calm, balanced and centered about the direction my life was taking. Even a few manifestations of creative work had appeared. Now I feel like I am slowly putting the pieces together to get me back to where I was prior to the storm. Truth to be told, there is no “going back” to how I was feeling before. It’s all about, and always is, moving forward from today with hope for balance and purpose. But I really do find it absolutely amazing how the center of our beings, though perfectly positioned in balance, can feel like a slippery slope with no grip in sight. I guess it’s all about building character … hmmm (see today’s quote).
Part of this “regrouping of Self” effort I’ve put into place over the past week has been to sit in silence. Oh, I forget how restful it feels to spend time alone, in the quiet, only to hear the sound of the moment. I think it’s truly the only time I am actually present. I love how you can feel the present in moments of silence. It fills me up like a delicious meal.
Another important element to this rejuvenation effort has been to spend more time in nature. Just the other day when I was spending some quite time alone my spirit was instantly drawn into memories of being on the beach in Kauai. Because it is such a special place of peace, harmony and balance for me that whenever I feel inklings of these feelings I am immediately reminded of my time there. The elements of nature are so exposed and accessible, and they always seem to spark visions and dreams for my future. Hopping on a plane and retreating to Kauai isn’t an option at this moment, so getting myself out in the beauty that surrounds me here in Central New York is a must, and has continually proved to be a necessity.
I am two weeks away from the leap and I find it ironic that before I was swept up into that crazy four-week span I was feeling calm, balanced and centered about the direction my life was taking. Even a few manifestations of creative work had appeared. Now I feel like I am slowly putting the pieces together to get me back to where I was prior to the storm. Truth to be told, there is no “going back” to how I was feeling before. It’s all about, and always is, moving forward from today with hope for balance and purpose. But I really do find it absolutely amazing how the center of our beings, though perfectly positioned in balance, can feel like a slippery slope with no grip in sight. I guess it’s all about building character … hmmm (see today’s quote).
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Weathering the Storm
Quote of the day: “Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in.”—Alan Alda; actor, director, screenwriter
It has been a busy few weeks to say the least. I’m not into recapping the events that distracted me from writing. I am more interested in the fact that I always seem to dismiss the acts that bring me peace, balance and a feeling of connection when the business of life knocks at my door. This, to me, is critical awareness of my own patterns and behaviors that have led to repeated cycles of imbalance.
Why is it that when our to-do list lengthens our self-care list shortens? No longer does the immediate, knee-jerk answer of, “Because there is not enough time,” seem logical to me. It once did, but not anymore. It actually feels illogical to me that I would remove the rituals in my life that bring me peace and harmony in order to complete other life tasks. It’s illogical because I will have lost myself in the process of completing the tasks, which in turn will affect my experience when completing the tasks, i.e. I’ll become miserable, and potentially the outcome of the tasks. If anything is to be removed from my lists in order to get done all that I need to get done, it will be my external commitments or expectations.
This awareness of my pattern helps me to better understand how I am in the imbalanced space that I am in today; however, the real challenge is in me being able to change this pattern. Awareness is one thing, and a very important step in the process of change, but I must not stop there. The next step for me is being able to use my voice.
In looking back over the past three weeks, which included organizing the public relations, marketing and reception efforts for a benefit performance at our studio, along with coordinating our teachers and students in putting together presentations, and negotiating a new lease with our landlord, and at work getting 32 pages of content and photos to our designer, while unpacking more than 40 file cabinets at into a new filing system, I’ve realized that one way in which I could have also been a positive leader to my Self is by using my voice. What I mean by that is I could have asked for the time that I needed. More specifically, one of my daily practices that strongly influences the rest of my day is being able to sit quietly for a little bit in the morning. I could have asked my boss if I could alter my hours during those crazy weeks for me to be able to get the time that I need. Yes, she could have said no, but I just assumed that I didn’t have any options. I just assumed that I had no choices. I could have asked. I can’t help but to wonder how often I live my life according to the assumptions that I make.
I’m thankful I’ve recognized this pattern in me because I can choose to change it. Before, I don’t think I noticed the pattern.
I also realized one other important piece of my human-self puzzle during this non-writing phase, and that is I avoid writing when I am scared to feel, or in denial of, my emotions. This is a huge “Aha” moment, as Oprah would say, because I so desperately in my soul desire a life of literary art. And, it is precisely my ability to connect with my emotions that allows me to write because I am then feeling. If I’m not “feeling” life, then I have nothing to say because I am basically just living in survival mode.
However, the stress and strain was so intense that I didn’t want to feel any more than what I was feeling. I couldn’t have handled it! I needed to stay in survival mode in order TO SURVIVE! (hence why they call it survival mode).
Now, I’ve made it through … I’m on the other side. I have weathered the storm and am picking up the pieces of my Self one by one, starting with this entry.
Thank you for holding me.
It has been a busy few weeks to say the least. I’m not into recapping the events that distracted me from writing. I am more interested in the fact that I always seem to dismiss the acts that bring me peace, balance and a feeling of connection when the business of life knocks at my door. This, to me, is critical awareness of my own patterns and behaviors that have led to repeated cycles of imbalance.
Why is it that when our to-do list lengthens our self-care list shortens? No longer does the immediate, knee-jerk answer of, “Because there is not enough time,” seem logical to me. It once did, but not anymore. It actually feels illogical to me that I would remove the rituals in my life that bring me peace and harmony in order to complete other life tasks. It’s illogical because I will have lost myself in the process of completing the tasks, which in turn will affect my experience when completing the tasks, i.e. I’ll become miserable, and potentially the outcome of the tasks. If anything is to be removed from my lists in order to get done all that I need to get done, it will be my external commitments or expectations.
This awareness of my pattern helps me to better understand how I am in the imbalanced space that I am in today; however, the real challenge is in me being able to change this pattern. Awareness is one thing, and a very important step in the process of change, but I must not stop there. The next step for me is being able to use my voice.
In looking back over the past three weeks, which included organizing the public relations, marketing and reception efforts for a benefit performance at our studio, along with coordinating our teachers and students in putting together presentations, and negotiating a new lease with our landlord, and at work getting 32 pages of content and photos to our designer, while unpacking more than 40 file cabinets at into a new filing system, I’ve realized that one way in which I could have also been a positive leader to my Self is by using my voice. What I mean by that is I could have asked for the time that I needed. More specifically, one of my daily practices that strongly influences the rest of my day is being able to sit quietly for a little bit in the morning. I could have asked my boss if I could alter my hours during those crazy weeks for me to be able to get the time that I need. Yes, she could have said no, but I just assumed that I didn’t have any options. I just assumed that I had no choices. I could have asked. I can’t help but to wonder how often I live my life according to the assumptions that I make.
I’m thankful I’ve recognized this pattern in me because I can choose to change it. Before, I don’t think I noticed the pattern.
I also realized one other important piece of my human-self puzzle during this non-writing phase, and that is I avoid writing when I am scared to feel, or in denial of, my emotions. This is a huge “Aha” moment, as Oprah would say, because I so desperately in my soul desire a life of literary art. And, it is precisely my ability to connect with my emotions that allows me to write because I am then feeling. If I’m not “feeling” life, then I have nothing to say because I am basically just living in survival mode.
However, the stress and strain was so intense that I didn’t want to feel any more than what I was feeling. I couldn’t have handled it! I needed to stay in survival mode in order TO SURVIVE! (hence why they call it survival mode).
Now, I’ve made it through … I’m on the other side. I have weathered the storm and am picking up the pieces of my Self one by one, starting with this entry.
Thank you for holding me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
