Quote of the day: “There is not a moment when I do not feel the presence of a Witness whose eye misses nothing and with whom I strive to keep in tune.” - Mahatman Gandhi
In an odd way I feel very connected to today’s quote. I use the word “odd” because it’s hard to imagine myself feeling a level of self-awareness that relates to Gandhi’s, for he is an ultimate…an authentic master. However, I get what he’s saying.
Today, I didn’t want to blog. I haven’t felt very connected all day. I’ve been forcing myself each and every minute to wake up, pay attention and stay present. Again, this is a common occurrence by Thursday of my current work week. It’s the fatigue setting in. So, I didn’t want to blog because I didn’t feel like I had anything to say except for, “I’m tired.”
When trying to connect during moments of such fatigue, it's necessary for me to work through the fatigue to be able to connect, if that makes any sense. So, in essence, I must really feel it to get through it, and some days, I'd much rather not feel it at all. I'd rather just live in survival mode and push through. But to write, I must connect, and to connect, I must feel.
Must we always feel?
There has been this “witness” lingering around me, watching me with silence. It doesn’t need to speak because I already know what will be said. It’s a feeling of accountability.
So I fully feel and understand what Gandhi is saying here. The witness is “me” watching me. I do strive to keep in tune. Even on my most tired days I still feel its presence, and I’m here today, showing up, faint and all.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Dream a Little Dream
I can’t help but to comment on this today. I’m a big fan of paying attention to the dreams we have when we sleep. I love dreaming. I love to do it during the day, but I also love to remember what happened during the night. Last night, however, I had terrible dreams. I was suffering.
My husband and I always share our dreams when we first wake up or later in the day whenever they come to us. He’s big into dream interpretation, but his scope is limited and mostly centers on interpretations relating to African culture.
As the morning sun rose to its usual wake-up time, I turned towards my hubby, still with my eyes shut, to tell him that I had terrible dreams about him cheating on me. I actually woke up at one point during the dream state and said out loud, “Jeez, enough already!” because I was so fed up with the despair that I was feeling in the dream.
As only my husband can do, he gave me a big squeeze and a chuckle, and said that he was sorry I suffered so much last night.
We both knew the dream wasn’t really about him cheating or lying or anything like that, but neither he nor I had suggestions as to what it could have been about. So, I turned to my handy online resource for dream interpretation http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary and have come across a very interesting explanation of “cheating” in a dream. The part that resonates with me is:
Yes, that totally makes sense. After being able to get in touch with my feelings yesterday when writing my blog, I get why I dreamt that last night. You see, part of the emotional tornado we had gotten caught up in was me feeling like he didn’t “see” me and I felt completely abandoned. That was the feeling that lingered for days. That was the feeling I shed tears over. It was abandonment, deep down inside, so deep that you can’t touch it. It’s endless.
Interesting enough, in my dream I cried and cried over me leaving him because of his cheating. In my dream I felt totally and completely abandoned—hollow to the core. It was incredibly painful.
So, what’s the point of all this interpretation? For me, it’s an opportunity to learn and grow. It has become clearer to me how my own insecurity of my Self has put an enormous amount of pressure on my husband to make up the difference. And, if and when he doesn’t, my emotional Self spirals out of control.
I have always felt secure in his love for me, but I haven’t always felt secure in my love for my Self. Honestly, I’m continuing to know my Self, so I don’t see how I could expect him to “know” me in advance.
To end with words from the poem "Invictus" by William Henley:
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
My husband and I always share our dreams when we first wake up or later in the day whenever they come to us. He’s big into dream interpretation, but his scope is limited and mostly centers on interpretations relating to African culture.
As the morning sun rose to its usual wake-up time, I turned towards my hubby, still with my eyes shut, to tell him that I had terrible dreams about him cheating on me. I actually woke up at one point during the dream state and said out loud, “Jeez, enough already!” because I was so fed up with the despair that I was feeling in the dream.
As only my husband can do, he gave me a big squeeze and a chuckle, and said that he was sorry I suffered so much last night.
We both knew the dream wasn’t really about him cheating or lying or anything like that, but neither he nor I had suggestions as to what it could have been about. So, I turned to my handy online resource for dream interpretation http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary and have come across a very interesting explanation of “cheating” in a dream. The part that resonates with me is:
To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you, indicates your fears of being abandoned.
Yes, that totally makes sense. After being able to get in touch with my feelings yesterday when writing my blog, I get why I dreamt that last night. You see, part of the emotional tornado we had gotten caught up in was me feeling like he didn’t “see” me and I felt completely abandoned. That was the feeling that lingered for days. That was the feeling I shed tears over. It was abandonment, deep down inside, so deep that you can’t touch it. It’s endless.
Interesting enough, in my dream I cried and cried over me leaving him because of his cheating. In my dream I felt totally and completely abandoned—hollow to the core. It was incredibly painful.
So, what’s the point of all this interpretation? For me, it’s an opportunity to learn and grow. It has become clearer to me how my own insecurity of my Self has put an enormous amount of pressure on my husband to make up the difference. And, if and when he doesn’t, my emotional Self spirals out of control.
I have always felt secure in his love for me, but I haven’t always felt secure in my love for my Self. Honestly, I’m continuing to know my Self, so I don’t see how I could expect him to “know” me in advance.
To end with words from the poem "Invictus" by William Henley:
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Wild, Wild West
Quote of the day: “Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” —Oprah Winfrey; television host, actress, philanthropist
Today I’m getting back in the saddle. I’ve never owned a horse or lived on a ranch, but I’ve ridden horses and been on a ranch, and the feeling of both invokes strength and freedom. Today, I’m ready to ride again. I’m ready to feel the joy, any joy, for that matter. Even though the last few days had been pretty tough emotionally, the joy still managed to find a seat, although it was wayyyyyyy in the back. It’s now sitting more in the middle row.
Whew, what an intense few days. It all started off with the meeting I had with another department within the university. Nothing earth shattering happened at the meeting, but it went well. The person I met with basically runs an entire “school” on campus and works on various campus initiatives that greatly interest me. It was very, very kind of him to meet with me. He was incredibly gracious and basically just let me divulge my passions and interests in serving the university in a new capacity. He offered some words of wisdom, which I will follow up on, but the meeting was more about me simply introducing myself and letting him know who I am.
Even though I may be simplifying it, this was a huge deal for me. I’ve had meetings with plenty of people I didn’t know before, but this was completely different. I had never asked for someone’s time to discuss my passions and how I think they could be of service to that person. I was totally out of my comfort zone. Afterwards, I walked over to the beautiful chapel on campus, which houses a student-run, non-profit coffee house on the bottom floor (very cool) and purchased for $1.00 a large cup of coffee (imagine that). Once I secured the lid after giving it a quick taste to make sure there was enough cream in it, I walked up the stairs, entered the church and sat in the back pew.
Immediately I closed my eyes, slouched in position and began to feel my nerves still getting the best of me. For someone who has done a fair amount of public speaking with ease, this was all new to me. I did my best to not attach to the judgments that were running through my head. I consciously allowed them to flow…out of me. I soaked in the silence of the space and wrapped my vulnerable Self in the majesty that filled the air. I felt protected and safe. It was because of my spirited meditations that I was inspired to ask for the meeting in the first place, so it was perfect for me to conclude the day in such a space…in communion with God.
Then, just like that, I found myself over the next two days having two more meetings with people not at all affiliated with the university, but involved in other works I am interested in. They were just conversations, again, but they came out of my commitment to Irrational Joy—connecting with my thoughts, feelings, hopes and desires—faith and destiny.
It was just a week or so ago that I was hanging out with my dear friend Jill, sharing with her some of these new creative thoughts and ideas I had for work. Jill is one of my best friends from childhood. We grew up together, yes, Jill and Jill, but we lost touch for some years during college and post college. Even though we weren’t connected, per say, we still remained connected. Over the past few years our friendship has grown above and beyond our childhood kinship. She is a soul sister… a creative incubator… a dream catcher and supporter… She rocks.
For some reason it feels like the ideas I share with Jill seem to come to fruition. It’s like she has some special power. It’s actually very cool.
Anyways, it was after sharing these ideas with Jill that I suddenly found myself “acting” on them all in one week. Yikes!
Plus, tied in with these three significant events for me was a huge emotional tornado my dear husband and I got caught up in. Ugh. Thankfully, with the grace, love and understanding, we’ve found our footing.
There was a lot of energy surrounding all of these situations and at one point I felt like I was riding a wild horse, fast and furious in the open field, until suddenly, *POW*! I hit a tree.
So, I guess the moral of today’s blog entry is, “Always wear a helmet after you hang out with Jill.” (love ya, girlfriend, sooooo just kidding).
Today I’m getting back in the saddle. I’ve never owned a horse or lived on a ranch, but I’ve ridden horses and been on a ranch, and the feeling of both invokes strength and freedom. Today, I’m ready to ride again. I’m ready to feel the joy, any joy, for that matter. Even though the last few days had been pretty tough emotionally, the joy still managed to find a seat, although it was wayyyyyyy in the back. It’s now sitting more in the middle row.
Whew, what an intense few days. It all started off with the meeting I had with another department within the university. Nothing earth shattering happened at the meeting, but it went well. The person I met with basically runs an entire “school” on campus and works on various campus initiatives that greatly interest me. It was very, very kind of him to meet with me. He was incredibly gracious and basically just let me divulge my passions and interests in serving the university in a new capacity. He offered some words of wisdom, which I will follow up on, but the meeting was more about me simply introducing myself and letting him know who I am.
Even though I may be simplifying it, this was a huge deal for me. I’ve had meetings with plenty of people I didn’t know before, but this was completely different. I had never asked for someone’s time to discuss my passions and how I think they could be of service to that person. I was totally out of my comfort zone. Afterwards, I walked over to the beautiful chapel on campus, which houses a student-run, non-profit coffee house on the bottom floor (very cool) and purchased for $1.00 a large cup of coffee (imagine that). Once I secured the lid after giving it a quick taste to make sure there was enough cream in it, I walked up the stairs, entered the church and sat in the back pew.
Immediately I closed my eyes, slouched in position and began to feel my nerves still getting the best of me. For someone who has done a fair amount of public speaking with ease, this was all new to me. I did my best to not attach to the judgments that were running through my head. I consciously allowed them to flow…out of me. I soaked in the silence of the space and wrapped my vulnerable Self in the majesty that filled the air. I felt protected and safe. It was because of my spirited meditations that I was inspired to ask for the meeting in the first place, so it was perfect for me to conclude the day in such a space…in communion with God.
Then, just like that, I found myself over the next two days having two more meetings with people not at all affiliated with the university, but involved in other works I am interested in. They were just conversations, again, but they came out of my commitment to Irrational Joy—connecting with my thoughts, feelings, hopes and desires—faith and destiny.
It was just a week or so ago that I was hanging out with my dear friend Jill, sharing with her some of these new creative thoughts and ideas I had for work. Jill is one of my best friends from childhood. We grew up together, yes, Jill and Jill, but we lost touch for some years during college and post college. Even though we weren’t connected, per say, we still remained connected. Over the past few years our friendship has grown above and beyond our childhood kinship. She is a soul sister… a creative incubator… a dream catcher and supporter… She rocks.
For some reason it feels like the ideas I share with Jill seem to come to fruition. It’s like she has some special power. It’s actually very cool.
Anyways, it was after sharing these ideas with Jill that I suddenly found myself “acting” on them all in one week. Yikes!
Plus, tied in with these three significant events for me was a huge emotional tornado my dear husband and I got caught up in. Ugh. Thankfully, with the grace, love and understanding, we’ve found our footing.
There was a lot of energy surrounding all of these situations and at one point I felt like I was riding a wild horse, fast and furious in the open field, until suddenly, *POW*! I hit a tree.
So, I guess the moral of today’s blog entry is, “Always wear a helmet after you hang out with Jill.” (love ya, girlfriend, sooooo just kidding).
Saturday, February 13, 2010
X-Ray Vision
Quote of the day: “Sad are only those who understand” - Arab Proverb
The feeling I was stuck in this weekend has subsided a bit. I am slightly removed from the tornado I was spinning in. Do you ever have those days where you are saturated with some feeling in your body? You know, totally absorbed with heaviness?
Writing is usually something I do to help me process...to get in touch with my feelings...to connect. I have been so in the feeling, I haven't been able to process it--meaning, I haven't been able to write. Reflection is key for me, always.
To be able to reflect, to see yourself clearly in front of you, brings present-moment awareness and personal understanding. Time and breathing space always helps.
My reflection is still quite shallow since I am only moments away from the sadness I felt. The surface of the sadness had to do with feeling unseen by a loved one. It’s an awful feeling to have to fight for the person you love to see you, to know you, as you see and know your Self. When this disconnect happened, it felt like the life was sucked out of me.
Today was the first day I’ve exercised in three days. That’s a long time for me. I’m not saying I exert myself with intensity every day, but I usually do some form of movement. The sadness had drained me that much.
I trust in the next few days I am going to have a better understanding of why I was so upset and what I am to learn from it. The only little bit of insight I have today is that I have continued to allow the people who I love in my life influence me with their limitations of life, love, and my Self. I have fallen victim to their energies, fears and expectations on an intensely deep level because the exertion of sadness and rejection I felt when it appeared my loved one didn’t “see” me initiated loud belly cries where my head still hurts today, three days later.
Why is it so important to feel seen by the person you love?
I need to stew on this a bit…more to come.
The feeling I was stuck in this weekend has subsided a bit. I am slightly removed from the tornado I was spinning in. Do you ever have those days where you are saturated with some feeling in your body? You know, totally absorbed with heaviness?
Writing is usually something I do to help me process...to get in touch with my feelings...to connect. I have been so in the feeling, I haven't been able to process it--meaning, I haven't been able to write. Reflection is key for me, always.
To be able to reflect, to see yourself clearly in front of you, brings present-moment awareness and personal understanding. Time and breathing space always helps.
My reflection is still quite shallow since I am only moments away from the sadness I felt. The surface of the sadness had to do with feeling unseen by a loved one. It’s an awful feeling to have to fight for the person you love to see you, to know you, as you see and know your Self. When this disconnect happened, it felt like the life was sucked out of me.
Today was the first day I’ve exercised in three days. That’s a long time for me. I’m not saying I exert myself with intensity every day, but I usually do some form of movement. The sadness had drained me that much.
I trust in the next few days I am going to have a better understanding of why I was so upset and what I am to learn from it. The only little bit of insight I have today is that I have continued to allow the people who I love in my life influence me with their limitations of life, love, and my Self. I have fallen victim to their energies, fears and expectations on an intensely deep level because the exertion of sadness and rejection I felt when it appeared my loved one didn’t “see” me initiated loud belly cries where my head still hurts today, three days later.
Why is it so important to feel seen by the person you love?
I need to stew on this a bit…more to come.
Mumbo Jumbo
It’s been an intense few days on so many different levels. I haven’t been able to write because I haven’t been able to connect with how I am feeling. When I am feeling strong emotions, I need to be able to process them—meaning have time and space to check in with them and see what they are all about. That is what writing has always been for me. I began writing as a way to express my thoughts and feelings. Just like with dance, it began as a way to express my feelings. Now they both are becoming so much more. They are becoming an art form for me…my art.
I still don’t know how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. I’m a bit baffled … bewildered … confused. I’m just stuck in it, whatever it is. Do we always have to be feeling “something,” a specific “emotion,” or is it possible for us just to be feeling, period. I’m feeling today. I don’t know what emotion it is or if it is just one because I’m experiencing joy, sadness, inspiration, hope, beauty, pain, sorrow…all of it. I feel it all right now, every emotion. That’s what I feel—everything.
Don’t think too much about it right now. Feel it, without judgment, being present—as is. No thoughts. No meanings. No meanings.
Life.
Breath.
Present.
P.S. -- The meeting went very well...needing to process to comment...but went well...
I still don’t know how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. I’m a bit baffled … bewildered … confused. I’m just stuck in it, whatever it is. Do we always have to be feeling “something,” a specific “emotion,” or is it possible for us just to be feeling, period. I’m feeling today. I don’t know what emotion it is or if it is just one because I’m experiencing joy, sadness, inspiration, hope, beauty, pain, sorrow…all of it. I feel it all right now, every emotion. That’s what I feel—everything.
Don’t think too much about it right now. Feel it, without judgment, being present—as is. No thoughts. No meanings. No meanings.
Life.
Breath.
Present.
P.S. -- The meeting went very well...needing to process to comment...but went well...
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Unchartered Waters
Quote of the day: "“Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So... get on your way.”—Theodor "Dr. Seuss" Geisel; Writer, Cartoonist
What a timely quote for me.
I’m getting on my way today and I’ve begun the ascent. The trail up the mountain is non-blazed territory. The brush is thick, sharp and sticky, but I’m finding my way as I go. My machete is my belief in a God who believes in me. The first rest stop is schedule for 4 p.m. when I meet with another department within the University.
The person I’m meeting with doesn’t know me. I don’t know him. It was recommended by the women I interviewed with a few weeks back that I connect with him because of my passions and aspirations. Maybe, just maybe, today’s meeting will point me in the direction of the peak. Maybe it will shorten my path to the top. Maybe it will direct me back the way I came. Regardless, some form of movement will occur and I LOVE movement.
I’m nervous. I’ve never approached my career this way. I am usually much more reactive to the jobs field. You now, look for job postings online and in the paper, applying and then hoping for a formal interview. I’ve always tried to fit me into all the positions I’ve had or applied to.
I believe each job I’ve had has been exactly what I needed at the time, and now, at this juncture in my life, I feel that process can no longer serve me, which essentially can no longer serve the world because what good am I to the world if I am not utilizing “me.” If “me” comes from God, then by all means, there must be value and purpose in what is “me.” Now, I’m trying something new. I’m approaching my career by searching the job postings within my soul and then looking externally for opportunities to serve out these passions.
I’m nervous. Did I say that already?
I thought I wouldn’t have time today to post on my blog. I thought I would need to use every extra minute I have to prep for the meeting. Although I have spent some time prepping, I realized I needed to post. I needed to exhale and find my voice. I’m so thankful I did. I’ve come home.
I trust in me. I trust in God’s trust in me. I love life. I love others. I love my ability to feel and care. I love my passions. I believe there’s value to these passions. And most importantly, I believe I am here to serve—to give—in concert with these passions.
I am asking today to be of service…not to be served.
Wish me well. I’ll comment in tomorrow’s posting on the meeting.
What a timely quote for me.
I’m getting on my way today and I’ve begun the ascent. The trail up the mountain is non-blazed territory. The brush is thick, sharp and sticky, but I’m finding my way as I go. My machete is my belief in a God who believes in me. The first rest stop is schedule for 4 p.m. when I meet with another department within the University.
The person I’m meeting with doesn’t know me. I don’t know him. It was recommended by the women I interviewed with a few weeks back that I connect with him because of my passions and aspirations. Maybe, just maybe, today’s meeting will point me in the direction of the peak. Maybe it will shorten my path to the top. Maybe it will direct me back the way I came. Regardless, some form of movement will occur and I LOVE movement.
I’m nervous. I’ve never approached my career this way. I am usually much more reactive to the jobs field. You now, look for job postings online and in the paper, applying and then hoping for a formal interview. I’ve always tried to fit me into all the positions I’ve had or applied to.
I believe each job I’ve had has been exactly what I needed at the time, and now, at this juncture in my life, I feel that process can no longer serve me, which essentially can no longer serve the world because what good am I to the world if I am not utilizing “me.” If “me” comes from God, then by all means, there must be value and purpose in what is “me.” Now, I’m trying something new. I’m approaching my career by searching the job postings within my soul and then looking externally for opportunities to serve out these passions.
I’m nervous. Did I say that already?
I thought I wouldn’t have time today to post on my blog. I thought I would need to use every extra minute I have to prep for the meeting. Although I have spent some time prepping, I realized I needed to post. I needed to exhale and find my voice. I’m so thankful I did. I’ve come home.
I trust in me. I trust in God’s trust in me. I love life. I love others. I love my ability to feel and care. I love my passions. I believe there’s value to these passions. And most importantly, I believe I am here to serve—to give—in concert with these passions.
I am asking today to be of service…not to be served.
Wish me well. I’ll comment in tomorrow’s posting on the meeting.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Coming Home
Nearly a year ago I ventured to my spiritual home on this earth, Kauai. Anyone who knows me personally knows how important Kauai is to me, including my husband, which is why he so graciously supported my solo retreat to the island.
It was during this time last year that we were struggling with the city’s bureaucrats to acquire the necessary paperwork in order to begin renovating the vacant, dilapidated garage into our dance center. What should have taken two weeks to process took more than five months. Tensions were also high with our landlord, and since I am the person responsible for communicating with all the city officials and the landlord, I was completely overwhelmed.
So much of the situation was out of my control and that tortured me. Each time we thought we were about to move forward, we’d take a step back. I was forced to abandon my handy project timeline. It was getting through this process that I really began to understand the importance of “detachment.”
The stress and strain wore terribly on my spirit. It had been seven years since I left Kauai. I lived there for one year and it was the most amazing year of my life. It was the pinnacle of my spiritual quest that began during my junior year in college. When I left the island I honestly believed I would return within the year for a spiritual tune-up, but life seemed to get in the way. Returning home to the island last year was significant.
Before I left my dear friend Jill gave me a card with this poem on it. It meant everything to me during that time, and it still pulls at my heart strings every time I read it. I have it pinned up on the cubicle I sit in where I waste time every day. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
whenever we become discouraged, let us close our eyes and remember at time when we were not afraid to dream…
when we were small, we were all great artists, graceful dancers, storytellers. We composed songs, created paintings, and imagined great adventures.
we didn’t think about it too much—we just made things up as we went along, improvising whenever we got stuck…
and I want to remind you that even though you’re a “grown-up” now, you are still a creator at heart, an improviser, and inventor who can make beautiful things out of whatever life hands you.
whatever you dream, whatever you hope to achieve in your life, all you have to do is remember to trust your heart…
and trust that the answers have been a part of you all along.
- Jennifer Nomura
Quote of the day: “The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” —Bertrand Russell; Philosopher, Mathematician
It was during this time last year that we were struggling with the city’s bureaucrats to acquire the necessary paperwork in order to begin renovating the vacant, dilapidated garage into our dance center. What should have taken two weeks to process took more than five months. Tensions were also high with our landlord, and since I am the person responsible for communicating with all the city officials and the landlord, I was completely overwhelmed.
So much of the situation was out of my control and that tortured me. Each time we thought we were about to move forward, we’d take a step back. I was forced to abandon my handy project timeline. It was getting through this process that I really began to understand the importance of “detachment.”
The stress and strain wore terribly on my spirit. It had been seven years since I left Kauai. I lived there for one year and it was the most amazing year of my life. It was the pinnacle of my spiritual quest that began during my junior year in college. When I left the island I honestly believed I would return within the year for a spiritual tune-up, but life seemed to get in the way. Returning home to the island last year was significant.
Before I left my dear friend Jill gave me a card with this poem on it. It meant everything to me during that time, and it still pulls at my heart strings every time I read it. I have it pinned up on the cubicle I sit in where I waste time every day. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
whenever we become discouraged, let us close our eyes and remember at time when we were not afraid to dream…
when we were small, we were all great artists, graceful dancers, storytellers. We composed songs, created paintings, and imagined great adventures.
we didn’t think about it too much—we just made things up as we went along, improvising whenever we got stuck…
and I want to remind you that even though you’re a “grown-up” now, you are still a creator at heart, an improviser, and inventor who can make beautiful things out of whatever life hands you.
whatever you dream, whatever you hope to achieve in your life, all you have to do is remember to trust your heart…
and trust that the answers have been a part of you all along.
- Jennifer Nomura
Quote of the day: “The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” —Bertrand Russell; Philosopher, Mathematician
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